Monday, June 01, 2009
The M-TV Movie Awards make me question the benevolence of the Baby Jesus
I knew I was WAY too old to watch the MTV Movie Awards. The warning sign came about a month ago when I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist on pay-per-view. Hey, Michael Cera was in it, and I liked him in Arrested Development and Superbad; and to a lesser extent in Juno. Then I watched Nick and Norah's blahblahblah and Michael Cera's one-note acting finally got on my nerves. His schtick never changes. He's the Mr. T of understatement.

Anyway, on to the show:

-The intro, featuring host Andy Samberg, spoofs Twilight and Slumdog Millionaire, two movies I haven't seen. So we're off to a great start...

-Can we officially bury "ironic white guy rap" as a comedic tool? If it was ever funny, and I don't think it ever was, it certainly isn't funny now.

-Ashley Tisdale, the product of a petri dish and Walt Disney's preserved DNA, wins an award. Whenever someone from the High School Musical movies wins something, another Olive Garden opens.

-Sweet god almighty, Megan Fox is hot! But she's not hot enough to make me watch the crappy movie she's promoting. Transformers is High School Musical for guys who get explosion boners.

-Commercial: The Real Word: Cancun looks like the biggest drunken douchefest yet. I can't wait until the alcoholic guy with anger issues hooks up with the girl who lost her virginity at age twelve to the older dude who bought everyone wine coolers.
"Oh, we're all young and attractive and stuck in a resort community with an unlimited booze budget. Life is so hard." FUCK YOU.

-We get it, Eminem; you can rap really fast. Too bad you can't rap so fast it sets time back to 1999 when people gave a fuck about you.

-Another Disney babe, Vanessa Hudgens, presents an award with Jonah Hill, the Chris Farley of the IPod generation. Jonah says he's currently dating a rubber doll that looks just like Ms. Hudgens, giving me my first intentional laugh of the night.

-Sasha Baron Cohen, the crazy guy behind Borat, is lowered into the crowd as his newest character, Bruno. In what is probably the weirdest thing I've ever seen on television, he lands on and TEABAGS Eminem!!! Seriously, his taint is in Slim Shady's face. Eminem's bodyguards start punching Bruno as the rapper gets up and leaves the building. HAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, at first I thought this was staged, but why would Eminem agree to this? How will it help his career to have Sasha Baron Cohen's ass in his grill on national television? Real or fake, it was pretty funny.

-The "Best Kiss" category is won by a couple of actors from Twilight, some unrepentant douche and Kristen Stewart, who appears to be on the controversial heroin and corn diet.

-At this point, a lot of crap happens that might have been funny for thirty seconds, but seemed to go on forever.

-Miley Cyrus is acting drunk. Someone check backstage for empty bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade and have Chris Hansen on stand-by, just in case.

-Twilight's Kristen Stewart is really annoying. I'm not saying her career is going to end badly, but when I squint just right I can see the ghost of Dana Plato hovering above her.

-The "highlights" of the upcoming Twilight sequel include the least convincing man-to-werewolf transformation since Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf 2.

Commercial: MTV promotes a new series, 16 and Pregnant, which follows a bunch of stupid white trash kids who should never in a million years be allowed to have children as they, well...have children. Or will they have them? I predict a full dumpster on prom night.

-Kings of Leon, who used to be not so bad, audition for inclusion on the soundtrack of the next Ben Affleck film. Very disappointing.

-Hey, Jim Carrey wins an award, answering the lingering guestion "Is Jim Carrey still alive?" Seriously, I didn't know he released a movie last year.

-Denzel Washington is there? Denzel Washington appearing on the MTV Movie Awards is like Scarlett Johansson showing up to work the graveyard shift at a rub-n-tug massage parlor in south Louisville. Have your agent killed, Denzel.

-Twilight wins Best Picture as the douchebags, the heroin addict, and Dana Plato's foreshadowing spectre gather on stage to annoy me.

-Mercifully, it ends.


HAHAHAHAHA! I wish I had seen Eminem getting tea bagged by Borat. That is awesome.

Blogger Chloe said...

Hahahahahaha. Awesome. Best summarization EVER. But I also missed the tea bagging! Arrrgh. Thank god for You Tube.

Also apparently, according to Firefox, "summarization" isn't a word. But pulverization is! You know what's wrong with this world? There's not enough pulverization in it. *skips off gaily to pulverize*

Blogger Dingo said...

Hasn't everyone gotten tired of the Real World shtick yet? Haven't they run out of places and people to annoy? Give it another few seasons (please god, no) and it will be located a recently opened Olive Garden.

Blogger Übermilf said...

You're my hero.

Blogger lp said...

we should live blog the next mtv awards ceremony together, although i sort of wonder if i can survive another.

Blogger anthony-p said...

"I predict a full dumpster on prom night" is probably the best thing I have ever read.

Blogger Tracy said...

Sasha Baron Cohen is my new hero. Second only to you, Todd!

Blogger foundinidaho said...

Wow. Haven't watched in years for exactly the reasons you describe. But the Eminem thing would have been pretty funny.

Blogger Liv said...

Its like déjà vu....

Blogger EdenSky said...

First time this week I've laughed out loud, thanks. I'm not masochistic enough to sit through the mtv movie awards, but I did watch the clips online the next day and you sir, are spot on.
It fills me with shame to admit that I love that unrepentant douche and his heroine addict, that's why I enjoy seeing them ripped apart. Well done.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

"Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" was the first movie I was ever told that I was too old to get. For that reason alone, it's evil.

The best part about the MTV Movie Awards, Todd? Your synopsis. Those will never get old.

I saw the teabagging. Fake or not, it was funny!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I happen to turn the show on right when the teabagging began. I literally sat there with my mouth hanging open. The only thing more shocking than that was the ad for the 16 and pregnant show. MTV has hit a new low.

Blogger kevin said...

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