Monday, May 18, 2009
This Just In: Dane Cook Still Sucks

This is the "cutting edge" artwork for Dane Cook's new CD/DVD/World Tour/Comedy Central Special/Mancunt Pads. He is a marketing genius, that Dane Cook. He isn't funny, but you already knew that, didn't you?

The other day at work I spotted a quartet of young men who I immediately named The Four Man-Whores of the Douchepocalypse. These guys had popped collars, bottle-tanned orange skin, and bling from the Mr. T starter kit at Kay Jewelers. I'd bet a million dollars that all four of them are HUGE Dane Cook fans. His ill-conceived comedy shoutings flow through their veins like Jagermeister (better known as "Douche Juice") and Axe Body Spray. In an ideal world, I could walk up to one of them and say "Is there a tasteless swill beer I can help you find, Mr. Every-single-thing-that's-wrong-with-society?" Then my magical cartoon mallet would crush him into a pile of guts and Hollister clothes. Only then would I turn to his friends and shout "Now go, and tell all the other douchebags what you saw here today!"

So yeah...Fuck Dane Cook.


8 Comments:

Blogger Kat Skratch said...

Seconded. :)
Duechey Dane...

Kat

Blogger Kate said...

Brilliant. I actually tried to watch part of the Dane Cook special on Comedy Central and gave up after listening to 5 minutes of the world's most un-funny blather about assasinating the president and his mom faking her death from cancer. Ugh.

I too dislike Dane Cook immensely and I have to wonder exactly who DOES like him, for him to get where he's gotten? Clearly it wasn't YOU.

Mel

Blogger Übermilf said...

Like Kate, I decided to try to watch Mr. Cook again with fresh eyes.

After all, maybe he had grown and matured.

Perhaps Kate and I should start a "bosomy women who hate Dane Cook" website.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I loved every single word of this post.

Blogger Scott said...

"The Four Man-Whores of the Douchepocalypse." That Sir, is comedy gold.

Blogger Violet said...
Blogger Violet said...

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