Saturday, June 06, 2009
Obscure objects of my hatred
Here's some weird people/things I hate:

Pat Boone
Pat Boone? The 75-year-old singer? Yes, because he's always been a moralizing tool, telling people how to live their lives. Well, fuck Pat Boone with a lead pipe. Why is Pat Boone a rich man who's given a stage to pollute the world with his insipid opinions? I'll tell you why.

Back in the 1950s when Top 40 radio wouldn't play r and b and rock songs by black artists, slimy producers would hire Pat "Cracker" Boone to re-record said songs, in the process sucking the soul and talent out of the music with his omnipotent honkiness. The only reason Pat Boone made a penny from the music industry was because of prejudice. So shut the fuck up, Pat. Just because you were a scavenger of human ignorance doesn't give you the right to drain your cesspool of a soul all over the rest of us.

John Sterling
Sterling is a radio announcer for the New York Yankees. Since it isn't 1948 and I don't live in the Bronx, I don't follow the Yankees on the radio; so how do I know about this guy? He's so annoying that ESPN likes to play his calls over Sportscenter highlights. His "signature" call occurs when Alex Rodriguez hits a steroid-aided home run: "It's an A-bomb......from A-Rod."

Did your eyes pop out of your fucking head just reading that??? Well, you should hear it. Whenever I hear this dreadful line, I PRAY for a full nuclear war. A society that accepts John Sterling doesn't deserve to exist.

Cell Phones
Yes, I own a cell phone. It's cheaper than a home line, so I'm a giant hypocrite. But they have ruined society, mostly because there is just a certain type of person who cannot be off the cell phone for even a second. They're on the phone while merging into heavy traffic. They're on the phone while checking out at the grocery. Why isn't this woman handing her credit card to the cashier? Because she won't shut her scone-hole long enough to function as a human being. Why did that teenage boy just crash into a mini-van full of nuns and orphans? He's texting someone he just saw three minutes ago.

The freecreditreport.com guy
I wrote about my hatred of this guy's first commercial a year or two ago. Since then, he and his shitty "band" have made about a dozen other spots. So either freecreditreport.com is intentionally sabotaging itself or *shudder* this guy is actually popular. I fear it's the latter. That makes me weep for the human spirit, although it really shouldn't surprise me. Mister Freecreditreport.com is no worse than Jason Mraz or Nickelback, so why shouldn't no-taste-having motherfuckers embrace him? Me, I'd like to see him beaten unmercifully by a rogue repo man.

Burger King french fries
I forgot how horrible they are and accidentally got an order last week. Does Burger King ever change their frying oil? Ever?? I ate a handful of fries and all day I had a taste in my throat like I just went down on Amy Winehouse.

Chain-restaurant-speak
I make a point to support locally owned bars and restaurants whenever possible, but I'll have to admit I love the food at Famous Dave's BBQ. The other day, however, I stopped in for lunch and they made me wish I hadn't. Oh, the food was still good, but when the server referred to herself as "Famous Jessica" I almost lost my appetite.

But it got worse, much worse. While I was still eating, Famous Jessica stopped by and asked me "Is your food tasting famous for you today?"

I almost choked on a rib tip. Is my food tasting famous? Are you kidding me? How does something taste famous? Why, Famous Jessica, are you constantly reminding me that I'm sitting in a generic chain restaurant? I'm trying to pretend I'm eating at a rib shack in the deep South, and your peppy corporate-speak is destroying the fantasy! I don't want to admit that I'm one step away from waiting an hour for a table at Olive Garden with the other lame asses; I just want some fucking rib tips.

The final straw was when I paid by credit card and she called me "Famous Todd". ARRRGH!

"Yeah, I'm in a bit of a hurry. Famous Todd is running late to his pissant retail job."

Next time I'm getting carry-out.



5 Comments:

Blogger pastlifecarthief said...

I do insurance claims for the cell phone assholes and I hate hate hate them all. (except you of course)

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You'll always be famous to me, Toddums.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

1) Pat Boone is too Branson even for Branson.

2) Rush Limbaugh should call the Yankees. It would just be so perfect. "We CHOOSE not to participate in losing."

3) Cell phones should require a visa to use. Not a credit card, an actual visa. Let's get some standards going.

4) Good news! Obama's credit reform is likely to put freecreditreport.com out of business. Or at least out of our faces.

5) I actually like Burger King's much-maligned fries, but they do tend to use grease older than Pat Boone. And they like to sling onion rungs in there too. I don't need that!

6) All corporate-speak is evil. But that's gotta be the weirdest I've ever heard of. I almost want to see that for myself. "Famous Ian." Talk about diluting the brand!

Blogger Nick said...

The word famous has occasionally been tossed around in regards to my penis.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

Was she wearing "flair"?

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