Thursday, July 02, 2009
Swearing to the Oldies
We listen to an "oldies" station at work. "Oldies" is a relative term, but in this case refers to music from the late 50s and early 60s. The reason given by management for choosing this aural atrocity? "They play the Beatles and the Rolling Stones."

Yeah, during an eight hour shift I'll hear two Beatles and two Rolling Stones songs. That's about fifteen minutes of decent music versus seven hours and forty-five minutes of complete shit. Does that sound like a fair trade off?

God in heaven, I hate 50s sock hop crap and old soul songs "honkified" for the post-war caucasian audience. It's all a bunch of creepy Eisenhower-era grown men singing about high school. One song they play contains the less-than-immortal line "She was way too cute to be a minute over seventeen."

Seriously, you can't even SAY that in polite society, let alone record it and release it to public radio.

The worst thing about the oldies station, though: Frankie Vali and the Four Seasons. Their music is PURE TORTURE. I'd rather be waterboarded by a boner-sporting Dick Cheney than listen to the fuck-awful caterwauling of Frankie fucking Vali and the Four fucking Seasons. For every Rolling Stones song, Frankie and company get five or six plays, so several times a day I contemplate destroying my own eardrums with a dry toothpick.

Let me be clear, I wish no specific harm to the now-elderly Frankie Vali (we've had way too many celebrity deaths lately, and I don't need that on my conscience), but a few years ago when he guest starred on The Sopranos as a low-level gangster, I got quite a kick out of watching him get shot in the face.


Blogger kate said...

I worked in this hole-in-the-wall 24-hour diner near campus while I was in college and the boss insisted that we play the country station at all times - which was extra-unfortunate seeing as how that was right around when "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" and "Redneck Woman" came out. Those two songs were pratically played in a back-to-back continuous loop for the entire summer.

Blogger Great Big Nerd said...

I once worked at a place that played non-stop Oldies radio, too. With a DJ who referred to himself (frequently) in the third person as "The Boogie Man."

And while "they play the Beatles" is fine in theory, Oldies radio stations seem to think that the only Beatles songs in existence are "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," "She Loves You" and "A Hard Day's Night." Maybe "Day Tripper" once in a while, if they were feeling out there. Fine songs, all, but a little variety would have been nice.

And I'll agree - I'd rather listen to a two-week Backstreet Boys marathon than ever, ever hear another Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons song ever again.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You could have "soft hits."

The only good part is, they played Nick Hornsby's "That's Just the Way It Is" over and over again, and everytime he sang "Get a job!" we'd all sing it together in commiseration, along with Billy Joel's "I could be a movie star, if I could get out of this place!"

It was a pizza place. None of us felt good about working there.

Blogger Osbasso said...

Biiig giiirls dooon't cryyyyy....

Blogger Christina LMT said...

Try extremely crappy, some-corporate-drone's idea of soothing, tranquil spa music.
Utter and complete dreck.

Blogger bbstirrd said...

My favorite Frankie Valli ditty is the theme song for transvestites: "Walk like a man! Talk like a Man! ..."

(I don't actually know any of the other words to that song, thank god)

that sucks ass bro.

Blogger jesse said...

"Oh won't you stayyayayay, Oh just a little bit longer!"

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I remember a station I used to listen to in Louisiana had a promo that said something like, "We don't play this..." followed by one of the worst (and unintentionally hilarious) hip-hop songs ever. I didn't even think it was real.

That same summer, I worked at a fly-ridden fast-food place where that very song was on an almost continuous loop. Figures.

Blogger Tracy said...

I worked with a woman who kept her radio on B96, Chicagos very own i don't even know what to call it. Hell?
For an entire holiday season i had to listen to Jose Feliciano sing Feliz Navidad balanced by J-lHO singing "your love don't cost a thing"......ohhhhhhhhh oh oh oh....
If i ever meet Jennifer Lopez i shall hurt her.

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