Thursday, May 12, 2005
Pooping in Public
I had to use a public restroom today. To be more clear, I had to poop in a public restroom today. What a horrible thing to have to do. It's like the old joke: "Don't go in the men's room; that's where all the dicks hang out." Unfortunately, when nature calls it's a fool who doesn't answer.

The particular stall I chose today had writing on the side wall. It was an anti-George Bush diatribe; and while I agreed with it, I don't like political graffiti in public restrooms. I want my shithouse poetry to be filthy and juvenile, requiring no thought and containing not even a shred of insight. If it's not a crude observation it better be the name and number of a lady looking "for a good time." Simply put, when I'm taking a squat I don't want to read rejected lyrics from the lost Rage Against the Machine recordings.

This is probably a more common occurance for prettier boys, but only once have I been solicited for sex in a public restroom, and it was once too often. I was at a mall and had to drop a deuce in the worst way when my path to the stall was blocked by a man who asked if he, service me orally. I HAD TO TAKE A SHIT! I wouldn't have let a woman blow me at that point, unless she had a serious blumpkin fetish. Please let me crap in peace. I ask so little.

In fact, no sex in public bathrooms at all. Gays, straights, whatever; just stop it. If you meet that special someone in or around a toilet and must have sex with them immediately, at least go out to a car. The next time I see or hear people screwing in a bathroom I'm about to use, I'm going to find out where they live and shit in their bed(s). That should impart on them a much needed sense of perspective.


Blogger bikipatra said...

I have probably given blowjobs in public restrooms more often than I have pooped in them. I save some things for home! Be decent!

Blogger n.v. said...

hysterical cackling at post and Biki's comment.

Blogger MsHellion said...

The Old Man had me read this one out loud to him, and I am now in tears from laughing. I learned that I cannot say "drop a deuce" with a straight face.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I dunno. I think you should have considered letting the guy blow you while taking said shit. Why not? If he can handle it, seems like a fair trade.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

Turd Fergusun

Blogger n.v. said...

I had to pinch a loaf this afternoon, but was out to dinner and shopping with a friend. Pooping in public is VERY hard to do -- I imagine all these microbes crawling up onto my thighs as I settle onto a seat that has welcomed thousands.

I finally got home after 6 hours out of the house and, whattaya know, I'm now constipated.

Shit in public when you have the chance.

Blogger n.v. said...

Remember Al Bundy finally got his Ferguson toilet? Ba-woosh!

That's one of my favourite episodes.

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