Saturday, May 14, 2005
Something for the Kids
May is high school graduation season, so I'd like to take this time to impart a little knowledge on the young douchebags of America as they embark on the pothole-filled, one-way drive down a dead-end street that is the journey of life.

All of your heroes are whores. Don't argue with me, just accept it. Christians will ask, "What about Jesus? He's my hero." Okay, Jesus Christ wasn't a whore and look what they did to him because of it. However, a lot of his followers, especially those with power, are shameless whores to the point that it doesn't even matter that he wasn't.

If they haven't already, your parents will behave in a way that proves they're human. This is a good thing. As soon as you realize they're no better than you, you can break free from their oppresive tyranny so cleverly disguised as parental love. This doesn't mean they don't love you, dumbass. Most of you will one day drown your own children in the icy waters of Lake Tyranny.

Something you love, be it music or art or fashion, will be co-opted by corporate interests and watered down for mass consumption until you don't even recognize it anymore. "Hey, they're using the song that defined the summer after my junior year
in a commercial for wart removal." The business interests in question will expect gratitude for bastardising your passions. Never thank the rapist.

A person you love, maybe even someone you envision spending the rest of your life with, will rip your heart out and give it to someone they decide they like better than you. There's no answer for this one.

Any time you make a decision that falls outside the narrow perimeters of societal norms, society itself will rise up and try to destroy you. You will be pre-judged, labeled, marginalized, and ignored by your intellectual and moral lessers. Just go about your business and hope someone poisons the nation's supply of Budweiser.

Some people hate to see others having a good time and will do or say anything to bring fun to a screeching halt. Avoid these people.

Unless you're blind don't wear sunglasses indoors. It makes you look like an ass.

Most of our nation's leaders, regardless of political affiliation, don't care whether you live or die. A few good-hearted souls make it to political office, but they're always the first ones to be targeted for a vicious smear campaign from the opposition. Think about it; if there existed an animal that went around and tried to heal creatures that were sick or injured, that animal would be hated by vultures.

Every once in a while some old loser will offer advice. Fuck that noise; ignore it.


Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Amen brother....a-fucking-men

Blogger Suzz said...

Should be required reading at every high school graduation.


Blogger Ruben said...

Venomous, honest and refreshing!

Blogger MoDigli said...

wow. that was good!

Funny. Sad. And Oh, so true!

Blogger bikipatra said...

I used to HAVE to wear sunglasses indoors. They are required wearing at bars in the afternoon when you have been wated and sleepless for so many days your eyes cross on you. I have reformed though.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Only Corey Hart can pull off sunglasses indoors. Write that down.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

That is the single most brutally honest piece I have read in a while. As my old man might say to me "The truth hurts." Outstanding advice!

Blogger PusBoy said...

You forgot to mention sunscreen.

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