Unlucky in Love

I always tell nosey interloper types "I haven't found the right woman yet," but that's a lie. I believe I've found the right woman several times, only to have my destiny thwarted by circumstance. When I've found the perfect female for me, one or more of the following happens:

- I unknowingly have a booger the size of the Liberty Bell dangling from a nostril.

- I just finished eating a camel cunt sandwich with raw onion, limberger cheese, and extra garlic.

- I need a haircut and look like the drummer for Foghat.

- I just got a haircut and look like a marine from the 103rd Fat Division.

- She's allergic to my "Designer impostors" cologne.

- She mentions she has a thing for Jewish cowboys and the bartender introduces himself as "Bucky Horowitz". (old joke)

- I'm so drunk I keep referring to her as Blondie McBoobsalot....even though she's a flat chested brunette.

- I'm so sober the fear of talking to a stranger makes my voice crack like the pimply-faced fast food worker from The Simpsons.

- The bar's lighting makes my jeans looked acid-washed.

- One of my so-called friends tells her that no, I did not, my bold assertions notwithstanding, invent the I-Pod.

- She likes me, but her friends hiss in my direction and pelt me with soiled bar napkins and tiny fru-fru drink umbrellas.

- The DJ plays my favorite song and she sees that I dance like a three-toed sloth with Parkinson's.

- I remind her of the guy who slaughtered her entire family with a grapefruit spoon.

I actually thought I was going to get a little three-way action once. I was on San Padre Island a few summers ago and I was drinking margaritas on the beach with two hot, drunk co-eds. They were twin sisters, fraternal not identical, and it really seemed like they wanted to party. Unfortunately, I happened to mention how much I hated George Bush, and wouldn't you know it, he's their father.