Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Oh Insomnia, You Filthy Bitch-Whore
I thought about a few things last night, in lieu of sleep:

-There is a type of girl you can impress by eating a dozen deviled eggs one after another, but you don't want to date her.

-Right now the guy who came in twelfth on American Idol is having a three-way with two Brazilian supermodels while I'm trying to induce sleep by drinking Nyquil.

Actually, it isn't even real Nyquil; it's the generic Walgreen's version. But at least I've never had to pleasure Paula Abdul with an oversized rubber fist while Simon Cowell does push ups in the corner.

-There is one band that's worse than Hinder, but they only play a lounge in hell, and so far Hitler is the lone name on the guest list.

-I have an idea: Mail out a postcard with the question "Who Should Replace Rosie O'Donnell on The View?" Whoever takes time to answer the question and mail the postcard back, round them up and execute them in a massive pay-per-view event. Use the money earned to pay off the national debt.

-Okay, if execution is too harsh, then tickle them until they pee their pants.

-Men, if you wear jeans that look like this we're going to have to revoke your Guy Card. You'll be too busy debating "Who's better: Fall-Out Boy or Yellow Card?" to even notice.

-I won't see a movie in a theater unless it's rated R. It's the only way to weed out most of the obnoxious teens and tweeners who routinely turn movie houses into their own jailbait nightclub. "Hey, cover is only nine dollars! Let's party!" Fuck those little cretins, fuck their loud cell phone conversations and most of all fuck their witless banter throughout the entirety of the film. Damn, I'm an old bastard.


17 Comments:

Blogger Steph said...

Ohh babbyy, how I love it when you get all fiesty!! You should definately sleep LESS.

Blogger Tracy said...

How do we weed out the old bastards who want to explain each scene in the film to their half-deaf companion.
(Saving Private Ryan + 2 Imbeciles, one of whom thought he was a frikkin history professor.) Shovel Justice i say, Shovel Justice!!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Nighty nighty, sleepy kittenz. LOL!

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Bullshit ... there is no band worse than Hinder. Excuse while I go take a Daughtry.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

People who talk during movies should be in the same round up as the Rosie O'Donnel responders...

And you're dead right on the jeans...

Blogger lily said...

dude, i'm totally impressed by eating feats...and i think i'm pretty datable. but, 12 deviled eggs are nothing. i bet i could hit at least 20 before getting the hiccoughs.

Blogger Flounder said...

Yeah, no teens ever get into an R rated movie.

I go to theaters in mostly black neighborhoods, but only after I've seen the movie once already. The comments directed towards the movie itself are priceless.

It's a great night out, if you don't mind the potential of a little gun play.

Blogger Phain said...

completely by mistake (I SWEAR!) i happened to catch a glimpse of hinder's video (hell if know what song it was) and the lead singer looked like he was about to implode - his face was all scrunched up and he looked to be in an awful lot of pain. either that or he just needed to take a big shit.

Blogger nat said...

i didn't sleep last night either.. although my night is your day time. but i'm hittin the valium and washing it down with vodka tonight *creepy half dazed smile* you want some?

Blogger Übermilf said...

Is that boy's belt made of bullets?

Blogger Übermilf said...

I never knew of Hinder before.

Now I hate you.

Blogger yellowdart said...

All three of those bands suck so much ass its physically painful to listent to them. Pisses me off that such talentless little fuck stains are so popular.

...Im just going to have to apologize for a majority of my generations music. It totally blows.

Blogger miss kendra said...

oh those jeans were HUGE compared to some of the things i see around here.

WHERE DO THEY KEEP THEIR PENISES IN THOSE JEANS???

Blogger Joe said...

They don't keep their penises in those jeans. There are no penises in their genes to begin with.

Blogger yournamehere said...

steph,
so all I have to do is be feisty and hot girls like you will call me "babbyy"? If only it were that easy.

tracy,
you get a lot of old people at the matinees. Avoid them.

spinning girl,
that's just cruel.

cincy,
Hinder makes Daughtry seem...well, not the worst.

stormin',
they're probably the same people.

lily,
20 eggs? I think I love you.

flounder,
of course teens get into R movies, but they don't CONTROL the theater.

phain,
he's the worst singer ever. I'd like to shoot him out of a cannon.

nat,
v and v, huh? That's what did in Anna Nicole.

ubie,
to fend off the people who want to beat his ass for wearing those jeans.

ubie again,
curiosity killed the cupcake.

yellowdart,
every generation rewards shitty bands. Find some indie bands to rally around.

kendra,
I don't want to think about it.

joe,
so you think those are eunuch jeans?

Blogger Kate said...

i love boys with dirty mouths. lol.

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

Don't even use remove those guys' "man cards". Just take a bullet from their oh-so-hipster bullet belt... and slowly work it through their brain.
And then laugh and say "that's what I mean by functionality!"

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