Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Worst. Comparison. Ever.
Last night I was watching GoodFellas on AMC. I own the movie on DVD, but I was in a pissy mood yesterday and had to watch the scene where Henry Hill pistol-whips his girlfriend's neighbor. During one of the many commercials, AMC ran a blurb across the screen that read "If you're enjoying GoodFellas, you'll love Marked for Death."

What??? If I'm enjoying GoodFellas, a modern cinematic masterpiece starring Robert Deniro, then I'll obviously love the Steven Seagal vehicle Marked for Death? Fuck, blood is pouring from my eyes just re-reading that sentence! Deniro was in The Godfather, Part Two; Steven Seagal was in a bunch of fucking Steven Seagal films.

GoodFellas was directed by Martin Scorsese, who also directed Raging Bull and Taxi Driver. Marked for Death was directed by Dwight H. Little, the man responsible for Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. THE ONLY THING THESE FILMS HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT PEOPLE DIE IN THEM. Like my friend Brooke said, "That's what they think of men: 'You like killing? We have more killing for you.'"

I wonder what other fine films AMC will pair with complete piles of crap. Perhaps the following:

"If you're enjoying The Sting, you'll love Gigli."

"If you're enjoying Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you'll love Dude, Where's My Car."

"If you're enjoying Platoon, you'll love Red Dawn."

Perhaps outside companies will employ this strategy during films shown on AMC:

"If you're enjoying Schindler's List, you'll love Hogan's Heroes: The Complete First Season, now available on DVD."


19 Comments:

Blogger brookelina said...

This needs to be a contest. Best one gets the DVD.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Maybe it was a joke.

Blogger Chris said...

Somewhere in an edit suite at AMC

Well gee whizz, both have reviews that say you ought to ensure you've got some kleenex handy...

If you're enjoying Cheerleader Daisychain, you'll love Schindler's List

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Ahhhhhh Red Dawn. It scarred me for life. Punks.

Segal and Van Damme (sp?) need to be killed in some ridiculous manner for subjecting us to bad movies for all of these years. Disembowelment is highly underrated these days...

Blogger miss kendra said...

are you saying you don't like steven seagal? i find that very hard to believe.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i mean, he's just so LIKEABLE.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Steven Seagal was in a bunch of fucking Steven Seagal films.

That can be good or bad, when your name becomes a genre. Bad when you're Steven Seagal.

Movie makers have taken to putting a special warning on movies that suck rocks. The warning is "Patrick Swayze."

A friend of mine who served a lot of celebrities as a bartender said that John Claude Van Damme is hands down the dumbest celebrity she ever served. She called him "John Claude Van Dumb."

I'm not sure if she ever served Keannu Reeves, though.

Blogger Joe said...

Perhaps:

If you're enjoying Citizen Kane, you'll love Cool Runnings.

Blogger Melissa said...

Steven Seagal makes me twitch.

And not in a good way.

Blogger Nick said...

Did you enjoy Brooke? If so, you'll enjoy "fill in the (Todd worshiper's) blank".

Blogger Sysm said...

De Niro was in "Rocky and Bullwinkle".

But so was Piper Peraboo. And she's hot.

Just sayin'.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

If you're enjoying Deep Throat, you'll love All The President's Men!

Blogger Steph said...

It's called suggestive marketing. It's suggesting that we're all fucking idiots if we believe that shite.

Blogger April said...

huh? never trust a critic or a tv recommendation...that's my motto.

Blogger Flounder said...

If you're enjoying Schindler's List, you'll love The Passion of the Christ.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I lost all thought after Chris said "Cheerleader Daisychain."

Blogger Beth said...

The only good Seagal moments are the mockings on "Talk Soup."

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
do I look like Netflix? Buy your own DVD.

ubie,
I don't think so. They were promoting the airing of Marked to Death the next night.

chris,
I saw Cheerleader Daisychain open for Soundgarden back in '91.

cold hands,
I think Seagal and Van Damme should be forced to fight to the death.

kendra,
Steven Seagal is truly America's Son.

johnny,
Chuck Zito beat Van Damme's ass at Scores in NYC. He's my hero.

joe,
although I chuckled throughout Cool Runnings, this example is hilarious. Brilliant, with the whole sled thing.

melissa,
I'd like to make you twitch in a good way.

nick,
the only people who worship me are the ones I've forced to through torture and attrition.

sysm,
ok, Deniro has made some clunkers, but Godfather Two...

al sensu,
HA!

steph,
I love it when you say "shite".

april,
hey, congrats on your wedding! Nice to hear from you.

flounder,
I don't get this one.

tits,
I lose all thoughts when you show cleavage.

beth,
too true.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Men love the titties too. Killin' an' titties.

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