Look, they're trying to polish a turd

The people who ruin communities decided to open an "upscale" Wal-Mart in the eastern suburbs of Louisville. It was such a big deal they forced members of the Eastern High School marching band to briefly abandon their summer vacations and fail to feign enthusiasm. By the way, yesterday morning it was already in the mid eighties with SUFFOCATING humidity, so the girl in the gray hoodie is obviously a reptile.

What makes this place "upscale"? Well, it's located miles away from any poor people, and there's a fountain near the entrance. That's it. Inside there are still bins full of $5 DVDs and clothes made by children who are burned by cigarettes if they miss a stitch.

Come on, it's Wal-Mart. Any upscale touches are bound to be ham-fistedly ersatz. With that in mind, I have some suggestions on how to further "class up" this latest Wal-Mart:

-Have the greeter address everyone in a phony British accent. Nothing says "We're half-heartedly trying to be highfalutin" than a British accent with a slight Southern drawl.

-Osso Buco on a stick sold in the concession area.

-Free admission to an art museum for every $100 spent on NASCAR merchandise (For balance).

-Free birth control for all single women under twenty years of age who already have two or more children. Why? Because nothing says "downscale" more than a gaggle of dirty little bastards.

I won't be giving any more suggestions until I receive my first consultant's check.