Thursday, July 19, 2007
Look, they're trying to polish a turd

The people who ruin communities decided to open an "upscale" Wal-Mart in the eastern suburbs of Louisville. It was such a big deal they forced members of the Eastern High School marching band to briefly abandon their summer vacations and fail to feign enthusiasm. By the way, yesterday morning it was already in the mid eighties with SUFFOCATING humidity, so the girl in the gray hoodie is obviously a reptile.

What makes this place "upscale"? Well, it's located miles away from any poor people, and there's a fountain near the entrance. That's it. Inside there are still bins full of $5 DVDs and clothes made by children who are burned by cigarettes if they miss a stitch.

Come on, it's Wal-Mart. Any upscale touches are bound to be ham-fistedly ersatz. With that in mind, I have some suggestions on how to further "class up" this latest Wal-Mart:

-Have the greeter address everyone in a phony British accent. Nothing says "We're half-heartedly trying to be highfalutin" than a British accent with a slight Southern drawl.

-Osso Buco on a stick sold in the concession area.

-Free admission to an art museum for every $100 spent on NASCAR merchandise (For balance).

-Free birth control for all single women under twenty years of age who already have two or more children. Why? Because nothing says "downscale" more than a gaggle of dirty little bastards.

I won't be giving any more suggestions until I receive my first consultant's check.


Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Free nose-mustache-glasses disguise kits so no one knows they're shopping there

Blogger yellowdart said...

Free two for one coupons for dignity! (Aisle 27, right next to the shame)

Blogger miss kendra said...

i buy all my dignity at walmart.

also my self respect. that's why i'm so shameful.

Blogger Melissa said...

clothes made by children who are burned by cigarettes if they miss a stitch.

That should not have made me laugh, but it did.

Also, a fountain in Wal-Mart? Anyone else see a lawsuit waiting to happen?

Blogger Doola! said...

If the greeter uses a British accent, won't that just get your average Wal-Nut customer all up in arms about "them damn Brits comin' over here and stealin' our jobs" and complaining about how "if they're gonna be here, they oughtta at least learn to talk American right"?

Blogger brookelina said...

You can't shine shit.

Oh wait, you already said that.

Blogger Steph said...

Wow, upmarket Walmart! What's next? Gourmet McDonalds? Oh wait...they already tried that with their "salad" range.

Blogger Flounder said...

If they wanted to open an upsacale WalMart, why did they do it in Kentucky?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

I would rather DIE than go to in to a Walmart- 'upscale' or not.

Ha @ Flounder. So true.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Mmm...osso buco.

Wal Mart rules. I hope none-a ya shop there. More for me. Less for you. Quicker checkout lines.

Blogger Sysm said...

with the term "ham-fistedly ersatz", you have entered the pantheon of world class circumlocutious obfuscators. Bravo!

Blogger KELSO'S NUTS said...

I love the Osso Bucco on a stick idea, but it's a bit labor intensive, no? They would have to use a fine drill bit to make the hold through two bones over 180 degrees lying horizontally, because TRUE Osso Bucco fans don't want the marrow fucked with.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

An Upscale Wal-Mart? Let me guess-- the greeter at the front has all his/her teeth....

They opened the first Wal-Mart in Chicago down the street from the school I work at. I've got mixed feelings. I hate Wal-Mart. On the other hand, they opened up a store in a very poor community, which none of the other retailers would do. It's been the source of a lot of controversy here.

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

Can I still buy a goldtone watch there?

Please say yes

Please say yes

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