Barry, Aaron and the Babe

These pictures of Barry Bonds before and after his stunning transformation from skinny young man to steroids-ingesting big headed freak paint quite the picture. Barry is getting ready to break the all-time Home Run record currently held by Hank Aaron, a man who not only never cheated, but never acted like a petulant asshole.

Cheating fuckhead Bonds aside, I'm glad Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's record and held it for over three decades. By all accounts he's a good man. But I have to give Babe Ruth some props. He hit 714 home runs while being fat and drunk. Last Saturday I was fat and drunk and could barely walk up a flight of stairs. While Barry Bonds has used steroids, a performance enhancing drug, Babe Ruth consumed beer, a performance inhibiting drug. Believe me, until "pissing a lot" becomes a sport, beer will always be performance inhibiting.

The Babe would drink beer and eat up to a dozen hot dogs DURING the game. Then he'd go out and fuck hookers three at a time. He once played an entire season while suffering from syphilis. He had the fucking syph and he manned up and played anyway. That's why he was such a lousy manager:

Player: "I can't play today, coach. I'm sick."

Babe Ruth: "Well, if it ain't worse than syphilis, get your narrow ass on that field. But get me a beer first, pussy."

Even in death, Babe Ruth was powerful. Ask the Boston Red Sox. The Babe put a curse on them and they didn't win shit from 1918 until 2004. I'm convinced the only reason they ever won was because the ghost of a hot female Red Sox fan, who perhaps died young while trying to say "Chowder", agreed to give Mr. Ruth an afterlife's worth of blowjobs if he lifted the curse.

Babe Ruth: "Ok, hummers for all eternity if I lift the curse. It's done."

Hot Young Dead Red Sox Fan: "I'll throw in anal if you let them come back from a three games to none deficit against the Yankees in the Championship Series."

So despite Barry Bonds and his churlish behavior and willingness to take drugs that killed Seattle Slew, the legends of the men directly behind him in the record books will not be diminished.

Hank Aaron will always be remembered as a class act on and off the field.

And Babe Ruth will always be remembered as an overweight drunken whoremonger who right now is getting his cock sucked by an angel wearing a Curt Schilling jersey.