Thursday, July 26, 2007
Barry, Aaron and the Babe

These pictures of Barry Bonds before and after his stunning transformation from skinny young man to steroids-ingesting big headed freak paint quite the picture. Barry is getting ready to break the all-time Home Run record currently held by Hank Aaron, a man who not only never cheated, but never acted like a petulant asshole.

Cheating fuckhead Bonds aside, I'm glad Hank Aaron broke Babe Ruth's record and held it for over three decades. By all accounts he's a good man. But I have to give Babe Ruth some props. He hit 714 home runs while being fat and drunk. Last Saturday I was fat and drunk and could barely walk up a flight of stairs. While Barry Bonds has used steroids, a performance enhancing drug, Babe Ruth consumed beer, a performance inhibiting drug. Believe me, until "pissing a lot" becomes a sport, beer will always be performance inhibiting.

The Babe would drink beer and eat up to a dozen hot dogs DURING the game. Then he'd go out and fuck hookers three at a time. He once played an entire season while suffering from syphilis. He had the fucking syph and he manned up and played anyway. That's why he was such a lousy manager:

Player: "I can't play today, coach. I'm sick."

Babe Ruth: "Well, if it ain't worse than syphilis, get your narrow ass on that field. But get me a beer first, pussy."

Even in death, Babe Ruth was powerful. Ask the Boston Red Sox. The Babe put a curse on them and they didn't win shit from 1918 until 2004. I'm convinced the only reason they ever won was because the ghost of a hot female Red Sox fan, who perhaps died young while trying to say "Chowder", agreed to give Mr. Ruth an afterlife's worth of blowjobs if he lifted the curse.

Babe Ruth: "Ok, hummers for all eternity if I lift the curse. It's done."

Hot Young Dead Red Sox Fan: "I'll throw in anal if you let them come back from a three games to none deficit against the Yankees in the Championship Series."

So despite Barry Bonds and his churlish behavior and willingness to take drugs that killed Seattle Slew, the legends of the men directly behind him in the record books will not be diminished.

Hank Aaron will always be remembered as a class act on and off the field.

And Babe Ruth will always be remembered as an overweight drunken whoremonger who right now is getting his cock sucked by an angel wearing a Curt Schilling jersey.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


Blogger Joe said...

here, here

Blogger Nick said...

I don't know if you've ever watched an interview with Hank Aaron from around the time he broke Ruth's record, but he was a petulant asshole as well.

Before that time and after that time he was a class act, but during that period of time: prick. It's the media's fault, they get in your face and unrelentingly ask you the same questions over and over and over. I don't blame Bonds for his behavior towards the media. I'm not forgiving him for being a fucking lowlife cheat, but I'll certainly excuse any ill will towards reporters.

Also, I would have thrown in anal for that as well. Greatest. Series. Ever.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

let's talk about the dog fighting Atlanta Falcons guy.

Incidentally, while I agree the dog fighting thing is appalling and should get him kicked out of the NFL, I'm surprised that rape and domestic abuse are not cause to be removed from the league.

Blogger Nick said...

Millions of dollars in endorsements, video game licenses, ticket sales and appearance fees are more important that domestic abuse and rape.


Blogger blog Portland said...

I seem to perform better at anything between beers 1 and 4, after which my abilities take a significant nosedive.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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Blogger Tits McGee said...

I'm with Nick.

The Championship Series agains the Yanks was worth just about every kind of violation I can imagine.

And I have a rich imagination.

Blogger Rachel said...

Oh my gosh you crack me up!

Blogger miss kendra said...

barry bonds is a douche.
and i agree with nick and tits.

i also have a very active imagination.

Blogger brookelina said...

I could use some performance enhancing drugs. Do you think Barry shares?

Blogger Steph said...

Don't you all do drug testing over there? That guy looks like a freak.

You are killin' me!

Blogger KELSO'S NUTS said...

Tits: as a Met fan I couldn't agree more.

To all of you: I'm 46 and was a just as big a baseball nut when Aaron broke the record as I am today. What they were saying about Aaron at the time was way worse than what they are saying about Bonds now, e.g., Aaron, Dusty Baker, and Ralph Garr had joined the Panthers and were planning a terrorist attack...and so on.

I present the opposing viewpoint on Bonds on my sports blog -- Forego's Nuts, accessible through Kelso's Nuts.

Here's a great Curt Schilling joke: Schilling is a horse every 5th day, and a horse's ass the other 4.

Blogger KELSO'S NUTS said...

and Tits, BTW, Bonds was hardly the worst steroid abuser -- that title belongs to (this will make you very happy) CAHL PAHVAHNO. His excuse for his size when he went from a guy who couldn't get 50 innings to a huge winner with FLA going 220ip+/season: VIKRAM YOGA.

Glad Rudy Giuliani's Girls are choking on Pavano's sorry ass.

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