The nosey busy-body community was recently rocked by pictures of Olympic champion Michael Phelps going all Snoop Dogg on a bong (or as the terminally out of touch media calls it, a "marijuana pipe").
Predictably, the parasites who make money solely because Michael Phelps exists made him issue an apology for "acting in a youthful and inappropriate way". Horseshit.
I wanted to get the truth, so I sent a member of the highly unprofessional DWAFM news team to interview Phelps. As luck would have it, the swimmer was in Louisville to give a speech to the local Shriners and presumably score some choice cheeba.
We didn't want to get Phelps high, because then he'd just ramble on about jam bands and hemp speedos. If you want a guy to tell the truth, you get him good and drunk.
Five Jager bombs later (Jager bombs? What a douchebag!) Phelps was ready to spill the beans.
DWAFM: "You smoke pot all the time, don't you?"
Phelps: "You bet your Kentucky Fried ass I do, Farmer Ted."
DWAFM: "Okay. So you take back your promise to never let it happen again?"
Phelps: "Dude, I hit the bong every night. You can call me 'Aquatoke'."
Phelps: "That's right, Hillbilly Jim. Aquatoke. I'm gonna start promoting my Aquatoke line of bongs and one-hitters. A one-hitter is a small pipe that holds enough pot for one hit. Is that too much info for your tiny yokel brain?"
DWAFM: "Fuck you. This interview is over. I hope you develop a heroin addiction, you dweeby human torso."
Phelps: "What did you call me? Uh...well, your mom married her brother."
DWAFM: "Your mom is so fat, any guy who eats her gets a free t-shirt."
It got ugly after that. Yes, Michael Phelps is a prototypical dork, but he's also a 23-year-old world class athlete. Our correspondant, Larry, is 39 and has never consumed a vegetable. We at Death Wore a Feathered Mullet wish Larry well during his long, painful recovery. They say he could be on solid foods again by the end of the year.