Since so few people read this blog these days, I'm going to go ahead and live blog the NBA Draft. I know no one cares about this; hell, even I don't really care about this. As usual, I'm approaching this from a position of complete ignorance.
New Yorkers in the crowd are already getting on my fucking nerves, although I do admire the fact that so many of them are drunk at 7:30.
1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
Talk about good news/bad news. The Clippers are cursed, their coach is a rah-tard, and they're ugly stepchildren to the Lakers in their own city. I hope Blake enjoyed all the winning he did in college, because those days are sadly over.
2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut
Hasheem is 7'3". I didn't know they stacked shit that high. Yeah, I'm not a fan, sorry. If Thabeet is as good as he thinks he is, the Grizzlies just drafted Jesus Christ.
3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State
So this guy is going from the Number 1 party college in the country to the town with the most Sonic restaurants in North America. That guaranteed first-round money will buy a lot of Tater Tots. Confession: I have no idea who this person is.
4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans, Memphis
Last summer Tyreke was in a car with the assailant during a drive-by shooting. Today he's a millionaire. Think about that when you get up nice and early to go to work tomorrow.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio, Spain
Has anyone ever seen this guy play? It would be funny if Ricky Rubio turned out to be one of Sasha Baron Cohen's wacky characters. If he ever says one of the Timberwolves cheerleaders has "vagine like sleeve of wizard" we know something's up.
6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse
Minnesota has two picks in a row, so they follow their draft of Boruno G by selecting their second straight point guard. There's either a trade in the works or the Timberwolves are morons. Or maybe both.
7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson
HAHAHAHAHAHA! The New York Knicks fans wanted Curry, and Golden State took him one spot ahead of them. New York, your disappointment sustains me.
8. New York Knicks - Jordan Hill, Arizona
This guy is getting booed hard. Maybe the crowd saw him play the only time I saw him: when his team lost to Louisville by 40 points in the NCAA tourney. I suddenly feel a little sorry for Knicks fans. My condolences.
9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California
If I still lived on the West Coast I'd have probably heard of this guy before now. Now he's in Canada, so it's not like I'll ever see him again.
On a serious note, it turns out both of his parents are ill and he vows to spend his money to help them, so at least his fortune won't be wasted. Let's hope the next pick doesn't have a tragic back story so I can rag on him with impunity.
10. Milwaukee Bucks - Brandon Jennings, Compton, CA
Jennings played in Italy after high school, so he can say "colossal bust" in two languages.
11. New Jersey Nets - Terrence Williams, LOUISVILLE
Fuck yeah! T-Will gets paid! What, am I supposed to be objective? Nope.
12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke
Stays in North Carolina, so he doesn't have to learn to speak standard English.
13. Indiana Pacers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina
Getting the "overrated" chant by the crowd. Ouch. Regardless, every corn-fed honky in Indiana will have a Hansbrough Pacers jersey by the end of the week, so good pick.
14. Phoenix Suns - Earl Clark, Louisville
Earl is a no-show at the draft site, which disappoints me. I watched him play for three years at Louisville and never heard him say a word, so I was looking forward to the interview. I predict that Earl will have great success in Phoenix, who will then trade him to save money.
15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga
I hope he's as successful as Adam Morrison. Wait a minute...
16. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest
I just heard the term "tremendous upside" which means no one at ESPN knows anything about this guy.
17. Philadelphia '76ers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA
Despite the spelling, his first name is pronounced "Drew". I have a feeling he's going to be a tremendous jisapointment.
18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ty Lawson, North Carolina
Are you fucking kidding me? Their third point guard of the draft!!! Oh, they're trading the pick, so they aren't completely insane.
19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest
Since he's going to Atlanta, I hope he likes complete fan indifference.
20. Utah Jazz - Eric Maynor, Virgina Commonwealth
I hope this kid doesn't let the crazed, non-stop nightlife of Salt Lake City destroy him. It happens to the best of 'em.
21. New Orleans Hornets - Darren Collison, UCLA
New Orleans has arguably the best point guard in the league, so they just wasted a first round pick on practice cannon fodder.
22. Portland Trail Blazers - Victor Claver, Spain
He won't leave Spain for two years, according to my TV. Great pick then.
23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel
The Kings are owned by the Maloof brothers, who also own the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. As you might have guessed by now, I have never heard of Omri Casspi. Is he available to play in the NBA next year, or will he move to Spain to hang out with Victor Claver for the foreseeable future?
24. Dallas Mavericks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State
He didn't start in college. Repeat, he didn't start for Ohio State last year. Another stellar pick.
"Hey, we were horrific underachievers last season. What can we do to make sure that never happens again?"
"Let's draft a slow clumsy oaf who will have to improve greatly just to suck."
"Solid idea."
25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Rodrique Beaubois, Guadeloupe
At this point they're just trying to piss me off. Dejuan Blair is still on the board! The guy who dominated the second overall pick TWICE last season hasn't been selected yet. He's available to play right away. He doesn't have Visa issues or fucking malaria! Someone pick Dejuan Blair for the love of god!!!
26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, Southern Cal
Maybe he'll stay in Los Angeles for a couple of years before heading to Chicago. Who knows at this point?
27. Memphis Grizzlies - DeMarre Carroll, Missouri
Who? His college coach is at home right now going "Really? DeMarre? Wow."
28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina
Another guard, but at least he's a shooting guard. Very underrated in my opinion.
29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State
The Lakers need a shooting guard in case that Kobe Bryant kid doesn't work out.
30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Christian Eyenga, Congo
Seriously, did Dejuan Blair rape an NBA general manager recently??? YET ANOTHER guy drafted who won't be ready for a few years. This is why the NBA is a steaming pile of shit.
Thank god the first round is over. I won't be covering the second round, so you'll miss hearing all about the kid from the North Pole who won't be ready for a decade or so, but has tremendous potential.
New Yorkers in the crowd are already getting on my fucking nerves, although I do admire the fact that so many of them are drunk at 7:30.
1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma
Talk about good news/bad news. The Clippers are cursed, their coach is a rah-tard, and they're ugly stepchildren to the Lakers in their own city. I hope Blake enjoyed all the winning he did in college, because those days are sadly over.
2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, Connecticut
Hasheem is 7'3". I didn't know they stacked shit that high. Yeah, I'm not a fan, sorry. If Thabeet is as good as he thinks he is, the Grizzlies just drafted Jesus Christ.
3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State
So this guy is going from the Number 1 party college in the country to the town with the most Sonic restaurants in North America. That guaranteed first-round money will buy a lot of Tater Tots. Confession: I have no idea who this person is.
4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans, Memphis
Last summer Tyreke was in a car with the assailant during a drive-by shooting. Today he's a millionaire. Think about that when you get up nice and early to go to work tomorrow.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio, Spain
Has anyone ever seen this guy play? It would be funny if Ricky Rubio turned out to be one of Sasha Baron Cohen's wacky characters. If he ever says one of the Timberwolves cheerleaders has "vagine like sleeve of wizard" we know something's up.
6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse
Minnesota has two picks in a row, so they follow their draft of Boruno G by selecting their second straight point guard. There's either a trade in the works or the Timberwolves are morons. Or maybe both.
7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson
HAHAHAHAHAHA! The New York Knicks fans wanted Curry, and Golden State took him one spot ahead of them. New York, your disappointment sustains me.
8. New York Knicks - Jordan Hill, Arizona
This guy is getting booed hard. Maybe the crowd saw him play the only time I saw him: when his team lost to Louisville by 40 points in the NCAA tourney. I suddenly feel a little sorry for Knicks fans. My condolences.
9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California
If I still lived on the West Coast I'd have probably heard of this guy before now. Now he's in Canada, so it's not like I'll ever see him again.
On a serious note, it turns out both of his parents are ill and he vows to spend his money to help them, so at least his fortune won't be wasted. Let's hope the next pick doesn't have a tragic back story so I can rag on him with impunity.
10. Milwaukee Bucks - Brandon Jennings, Compton, CA
Jennings played in Italy after high school, so he can say "colossal bust" in two languages.
11. New Jersey Nets - Terrence Williams, LOUISVILLE
Fuck yeah! T-Will gets paid! What, am I supposed to be objective? Nope.
12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke
Stays in North Carolina, so he doesn't have to learn to speak standard English.
13. Indiana Pacers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina
Getting the "overrated" chant by the crowd. Ouch. Regardless, every corn-fed honky in Indiana will have a Hansbrough Pacers jersey by the end of the week, so good pick.
14. Phoenix Suns - Earl Clark, Louisville
Earl is a no-show at the draft site, which disappoints me. I watched him play for three years at Louisville and never heard him say a word, so I was looking forward to the interview. I predict that Earl will have great success in Phoenix, who will then trade him to save money.
15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga
I hope he's as successful as Adam Morrison. Wait a minute...
16. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest
I just heard the term "tremendous upside" which means no one at ESPN knows anything about this guy.
17. Philadelphia '76ers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA
Despite the spelling, his first name is pronounced "Drew". I have a feeling he's going to be a tremendous jisapointment.
18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ty Lawson, North Carolina
Are you fucking kidding me? Their third point guard of the draft!!! Oh, they're trading the pick, so they aren't completely insane.
19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest
Since he's going to Atlanta, I hope he likes complete fan indifference.
20. Utah Jazz - Eric Maynor, Virgina Commonwealth
I hope this kid doesn't let the crazed, non-stop nightlife of Salt Lake City destroy him. It happens to the best of 'em.
21. New Orleans Hornets - Darren Collison, UCLA
New Orleans has arguably the best point guard in the league, so they just wasted a first round pick on practice cannon fodder.
22. Portland Trail Blazers - Victor Claver, Spain
He won't leave Spain for two years, according to my TV. Great pick then.
23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel
The Kings are owned by the Maloof brothers, who also own the Palms Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas. As you might have guessed by now, I have never heard of Omri Casspi. Is he available to play in the NBA next year, or will he move to Spain to hang out with Victor Claver for the foreseeable future?
24. Dallas Mavericks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State
He didn't start in college. Repeat, he didn't start for Ohio State last year. Another stellar pick.
"Hey, we were horrific underachievers last season. What can we do to make sure that never happens again?"
"Let's draft a slow clumsy oaf who will have to improve greatly just to suck."
"Solid idea."
25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Rodrique Beaubois, Guadeloupe
At this point they're just trying to piss me off. Dejuan Blair is still on the board! The guy who dominated the second overall pick TWICE last season hasn't been selected yet. He's available to play right away. He doesn't have Visa issues or fucking malaria! Someone pick Dejuan Blair for the love of god!!!
26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, Southern Cal
Maybe he'll stay in Los Angeles for a couple of years before heading to Chicago. Who knows at this point?
27. Memphis Grizzlies - DeMarre Carroll, Missouri
Who? His college coach is at home right now going "Really? DeMarre? Wow."
28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina
Another guard, but at least he's a shooting guard. Very underrated in my opinion.
29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State
The Lakers need a shooting guard in case that Kobe Bryant kid doesn't work out.
30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Christian Eyenga, Congo
Seriously, did Dejuan Blair rape an NBA general manager recently??? YET ANOTHER guy drafted who won't be ready for a few years. This is why the NBA is a steaming pile of shit.
Thank god the first round is over. I won't be covering the second round, so you'll miss hearing all about the kid from the North Pole who won't be ready for a decade or so, but has tremendous potential.
5 Comments:
I know the crazy nightlife of SLC about did me in. About the only good thing to do is go to Jazz games.
I'll confess that I hate the NBA so much that even though you wrote this post I bailed after the third draft pick.
I don't know who any of these people are or that half of these teams existed, but #4 made me want to cry.
I read your blog all the time -- i'm sure plenty of people do, just don't comment. Waiting for more Unsolicited Advice. That always cracks me up.
You are so much more considerate than Nick, who Twitters nonsense like this.
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