Sunday, July 05, 2009
An open letter to the smelly guy at the Vernon Club last night
Dear Stinky McPoopypants:

Hey, I understand that you're way too cool to conform to the rigid standards of polite society. Really, I get it. But you went out in PUBLIC, to a crowded, confined space, smelling like a mohel's burlap sack of discarded foreskins. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE, SIR!

I realize that the economy's tight and times are hard, but no one expected you to drive up in a Rolls Royce sporting an Armani suit; we just wanted to be able to enjoy a great live band without getting a metaphorical dirty sanchez from your subhuman musk. Cover to see the band was five dollars, and those beers you were drinking were three or four dollars apiece, depending on whether it was shitty or good beer. If you have the money to go out, you have the money to introduce soap and water to your god-forsaken pits and groins. Have you ever considered for a fucking second that the rest of civilization doesn't want to bask in your funk, you self-centered hipster piece of shit?

In closing, taking a shower will not turn you into a soulless cog in the military-industrial complex. It will just make you smell less like a rotting pile of fetid refuse. Bathe or die, motherfucker.


The rest of the world


Blogger Tracy said...

Yeah, and stay off our El Trains too!

Signed, Chicago.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Perhaps he thought his musk would attract the ladies. Did it?

A metaphorical dirty sanchez? That is awesome. Maybe he was wearing that cologne from Anchorman. It's made from real bits of cougar, so you know it's good.

Awwww, that's sweet of you to remind to to bathe.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

It's Panther. Sex Panther. It's supposed to attract cougars. Get your cats straight, VRWC.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

How you can be so mean to someone named Stinky McPoopypants! He can't help it!

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