Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Above the Law
Today I'm writing about a subject that has absolutely no effect on my life, nor the lives of my friends and loved ones. Even though it doesn't concern me in the least, it still pisses me off.

Why are Lindsay Lohan and her underaged friends allowed to get drunk in public with no repercussions? I've known people busted for underage drinking and they were in a public park late at night, trying to hide their illegal activities. Bars back in Louisville have been shut down because they served a twenty-year-old who had a convincing fake I.D.

But Lindsay Lohan, who everyone on earth knows is under twenty-one, gets VIP treatment at the swankiest clubs in New York, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Miami. She goes into these places, gets stinky-twat drunk, and has her picture taken a thousand times as she stumbles out at dawn. The clubs not only don't get shut down, they get free publicity as the place America's favorite Disney alcoholic tied one on. Where are the police to arrest this inebriated minor? Where is the Alcohol Control Board to close the doors of these multi-million dollar nightclubs? I'll tell you where they are: They're lined up to suck the perfumed, saline-enhanced tit of celebrity. This is nothing new. Drew Berrymore used to get drunk at the original Studio 54 before she had her first period.

I'm going to borrow someone's baby and try to get it into a nightclub. This saturday the baby and I are going to Pure at Caesar's Palace. I'll walk up to the VIP attendant and say "You do recognize this baby, don't you? He played newborn Luke in the latest Star Wars movie. We'll need a table near the dance floor, a fifth of single-barrel bourbon, and a baby bottle filled with Red Bull and vodka."

Back to Lindsay Lohan, how skinny is she going to get? Did she run over a gypsy's kid and get the "Thinner" curse put on her? Remember when she was hot and voluptuous, way back in late 2004? She and Nicole Ritchie used to be hot chicks with meat on their bones. Now they look like they're competing for the lead in "None for Me, Thanks: The Karen Carpenter Story." Eat, ladies, eat.


17 Comments:

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I'm with you man. I remember having to actually work to skirt the law before I was 21. Kids today have no work ethic.

Blogger n.v. said...

What are reprecutions??

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, I'm with you on this.

However, I'm not sure how you can be chiding Lohan and Richie for being too thin when your favourite celeb skank (Alba) is just as skinny. What's the deal?

Blogger yournamehere said...

Dena:
Jessica Alba is lean, not skinny. She still has hips and a fine, fine ass. You can see Lindsay's ribs now and her head looks mongoloid because of her tiny frame. By the way, you and ms. hellion are the ONLY people who get away with calling Jess a skank on my blog. Everyone else gets their comment deleted. I've decided to run a tight, egan-like ship from now on.

Blogger bikipatra said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger PusBoy said...

"lean" = freakishly thin with huge cans and collagen lips

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

jessica alba is no skank. i love her. seriously...i do.

Blogger Ruben said...

Boozed out and anorexic is the way to go these days !

Blogger MsHellion said...

May I call Britney a skank also? Cuz she totally is.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Maybe Lohan will take me drinking with her along with the Olsen twins, the kid from that Charlie Sheen TV show, the twins from Everybody Loves Raymond, and Britney's love child.

And I agree with you, Alba is lean, not skinny. Definitely hot!

Anonymous Chef Lil said...

You can always borrow Nina to go out and get drunk. She can be a mean drunk on whiskey thought, just like her father.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Are Nina's tits fake? Cuz that's kind if a prerequisite for this trip.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

LOL @ the "Thinner" reference...too funny.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I also enjoyed the Thinner reference. Good old Michael Constantine as the curse-applying gypsy, prior to his performance as the Windex-wielding dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and long after his role on the TV sitcom Room 222.

Anonymous Chef Lil said...

No, ms hellion, Nina's tit's aren't fake yet. We did find a surgeon in L.A. who would put them in at 3, so, just one more year to go.

Blogger yournamehere said...

If my blog gets shut down as some sort of kiddie porn site I'm gonna be pissed.

Blogger ago-go said...

noni, i love you but i'm going to hunt you down and find every cruel word you have spoken about my jessica! take back the skank! she is not skinny, very slim yes, but not unhealthy looking like the skeletor girls. could you not see those curves? must i post more pictures of her? she has a waist, hips, and butt. there are no clavicles or ribs or fucking femurs poking out like on lohan and nicole.

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