Sunday, May 22, 2005
I Wasn't Invited to the Family Reunion
The Scene:
A distant cousin's wedding reception, circa 2001.

The Question Asked by Every One of My Female Relatives:
"Todd, how come you never got married?"

My Answer After One Drink:
"Well, I just never found the right person."

My Answer After Three Drinks:
"I'm married to my job."
"Don't you work at a liquor store?

My Answer After Four Drinks:
"I'm as queer as a football bat, Aunt Jennie."

My Answer After Six Drinks:
"Go fuck yourself you cow-cunted harpy!"


Blogger Ruben said...

Don't let it bother you. Something would have probably happened that would have made you want to drink drain cleaner. DO you have any idea how much I'd pay to not be invited to my family's reunions!

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

The lesson: Have four drinks before showing up.

Blogger katarina said...

I think I've just peed my pants. Now I can't wait until the next reunion. Ammunition. Yay! Thanks man.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Now I know why you weren't at my wedding.

Blogger Crystal said...

"Cow-cunted harpy" is my favorite pet name, now. My mother will be so pleased.

I've never been married and I've had people ask me that same question. I point to their spouse and say,

(sidenote: This usually works best if you can time it right. If the spouse is picking their nose or digging in their crotch, it's priceless) "Look at them. Take a good, long look. You have to share toothpaste and a toilet seat with that person for the rest of your life. I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want to."

I make people cry. It's a gift.

Blogger bikipatra said...

People are just so fucking sensitive...Sheesh!

Blogger n.v. said...

Getting married is for people who are afraid to function alone!

Blogger MsHellion said...

I functioned alone just fine. I got married because I was afraid to function without the tax credits and lower car insurance. ;)

Assumed stability rocks!

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Queer as a football bat!!! That is quite possibly the best line I've ever heard!!

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