The Scene:
A distant cousin's wedding reception, circa 2001.
The Question Asked by Every One of My Female Relatives:
"Todd, how come you never got married?"
My Answer After One Drink:
"Well, I just never found the right person."
My Answer After Three Drinks:
"I'm married to my job."
"Don't you work at a liquor store?
"Yep."
My Answer After Four Drinks:
"I'm as queer as a football bat, Aunt Jennie."
My Answer After Six Drinks:
"Go fuck yourself you cow-cunted harpy!"
A distant cousin's wedding reception, circa 2001.
The Question Asked by Every One of My Female Relatives:
"Todd, how come you never got married?"
My Answer After One Drink:
"Well, I just never found the right person."
My Answer After Three Drinks:
"I'm married to my job."
"Don't you work at a liquor store?
"Yep."
My Answer After Four Drinks:
"I'm as queer as a football bat, Aunt Jennie."
My Answer After Six Drinks:
"Go fuck yourself you cow-cunted harpy!"
6 Comments:
The lesson: Have four drinks before showing up.
Now I know why you weren't at my wedding.
"Cow-cunted harpy" is my favorite pet name, now. My mother will be so pleased.
I've never been married and I've had people ask me that same question. I point to their spouse and say,
(sidenote: This usually works best if you can time it right. If the spouse is picking their nose or digging in their crotch, it's priceless) "Look at them. Take a good, long look. You have to share toothpaste and a toilet seat with that person for the rest of your life. I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want to."
I make people cry. It's a gift.
Getting married is for people who are afraid to function alone!
I functioned alone just fine. I got married because I was afraid to function without the tax credits and lower car insurance. ;)
Assumed stability rocks!
Queer as a football bat!!! That is quite possibly the best line I've ever heard!!
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