Friday, May 27, 2005
God and Me
The other night I had a dream about dying. It fell into the realm of a fantasy dream, because I went to Heaven and had a conversation with God.

Where: Heaven
When: Seven Years From Now

Heaven isn't the way it's depicted in the movies. It's not all white. "Too hard to keep clean," an angel tells me as I'm led to God's corner office. It has an ultralounge vibe. A few of the more nubile angels are dancing on tables. There's bottle service in VIP.

"God, your four o'clock's here."

God looks up from a pile of paperwork. "Send him in."

I'm a little nervous. "God, I'm Todd Smith."

"No shit. I'm God. I don't have to google search every dumb s.o.b. who stumbles in."

"What happened to me?" I ask hesitantly.

"You died of a heart attack," God replies. "Age 46. Nice goin', lardass. I created vegetables, you know."

"Why didn't you make them taste better?" This question is a mistake.

God stands up. You don't want to make the Lord of Heaven and Earth stand up.

"I put your ungrateful ass in one of the few countries on earth with an abundant supply of food and you dare complain about the taste? Does God have to smite a bitch?"

"Of course not," I say apologetically. "Uh, do I get to stay up here?"

God thinks for a moment. "Well, I saw you eyeballin' VIP; you can forget that. It depends on my mood in the next few minutes whether you get in...general admission, of course; or I cast you down to Hell and you get to be Satan's dingleberry harvester."

"General admission will be fine," I say. "Why should this be any different than earth?"

"Let's take a look at your file," God states, ignoring my comment. "Wow, from 1997 till 2002, lots of strip clubs."

"I can explain..."

"It's okay," God interrupts. "If I didn't want men to look at breasts I wouldn't have made them so beautiful. I would have made them horribly unpleasant to gaze upon, like I did with the scrotum."

"Yeah. Mission accomplished there." I add, "Can I ask you a question?"

"I swear to Myself," God says, frowning, "if you ask 'Why do the good suffer?' I'll cover your whiny ass in boils the size of half-dollars."

"No, I just want to know why you'd send someone to hell if they weren't really evil?"

God sits back down and buries His head in His hands. "You liberal Christians, always with the 'God loves you no matter what' horseshit. There's something called the Old Testament, you know. If you would have bothered to read it you'd know that I'm not afraid to fill streets with the blood of non-believers and choke rivers with the dead."

"Yeah, but didn't Jesus say..."

"SILENCE!!" God commands. "Jesus isn't even a blood relative; he's my second wife's kid from a previous marriage. I just didn't think Step-Son of God would have cut it. He had enough problems down there."

"I never voted Republican," I say out of left field, trying to get on His good side.

"That's the only reason I'm even considering letting you in," God states. "I can't stand those pious fucks using my name to scare people into voting for them; like that miserable George Bush. That's why I gave him a hare-lip in '07."

"That was a good one."

"Okay," God says, smiling. "You can come in, but I'm putting you on a diet. And you have to wear a training halo for the first ten thousand years."

With that, I woke up. I immediately decided to do whatever it takes to avoid dying young and having to face a slightly perturbed and surprisingly foul-mouthed God.

The diet starts Monday.


Blogger katarina said...

dingleberry harvester...
God wouldn't like you. Only because you're too smart and it would be a possibility that you could take over. Then again, he may be looking for someone to take over the family buisness, since I don't think the Jesus thing is going to work out.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I'm facing my own battle of the bulge, and a friggin' Dunkin' Donuts just opened mere blocks away! Not fair.

As they say: "People make plans; God laughs."

(And the donut guy, too.)

Blogger bikipatra said...

Just because of your post I am NOT going to bake any lemon poppyseed muffins today. I will send my husband to you to copmplain.

Blogger MoDigli said...

I love that god was haggared, complicated, and impatient! "I saw you eyeballin VIP, you can forget about that!" ... hahahha!

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I'm trying to think if something witty to say but hanging around Pa West Virginia has drained me. Good luck on losing weight.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, nice post (again). How do you plan on losing weight?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'll be going on the effective yet potentially dangerous "Heroin and Corn" diet.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Was God like he was in Homer's dream ... with Colonel Sanders feeding him an endless supply of popcorn chicken?

Blogger yournamehere said...

No, he sent someone out to bring back an ice-blended from the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and he mentioned something about going over to Jose Cuervo's cloud for margaritas after work.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Maybe I need to work on getting up there with the big G man ... cruising over to Cuervo's cloud sounds like a winner

Blogger Ruben said...

This was great. It should be required reading in College just to let thr right wingers know just how full of shit they really are.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

I believe I will be carpooling with cincysundevil.. lol.

Blogger dottcomments said...

This post amused me so much that if I'd won the powerball I'd be offering your some serious $$ for the movie rights.

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