Monday, July 04, 2005
Independunce Day
Back in 1999 when George W. Bush started campaigning for president, he promised to be a "compassionate conservative". Now, in the second term of his ongoing crusade to turn the entire country into a Deep South Tent Revival, I'd like to do two things: Examine what his policies have done for our country and rip off David Letterman.

Top Ten "Benefits" of Compassionate Conservatism

10. Klan robes now come in soothing pastels.

9. Juveniles on Death Row receive a prize with their last meal.

8. Instead of showing disturbing photos of aborted fetuses, pro-life groups hand out delicious fetus-shaped baked goods.

7. If greedy corporate executives squandered your retirement savings, you won't go hungry thanks to a generous donation from the fine folks at Purina.

6. Billionaires who pay little or no income tax are officially urged to "tip better".

5. Prove your life threatening illness is caused by airborne toxins and the EPA treats you to lunch at a participating Olive Garden.

4. A plan is underway to dress the homeless in whimsical Renaissance costumes.

3. Festive lotto-style drawings determine which children are dropped from the school lunch program.

2. No gay marriage, but if you just live together Dick Cheney's jack-booted thugs will leave you alone...for now.

1. Hey, senior citizens: Half the Medicare, but twice the Matlock!


11 Comments:

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

Happy 4th!!

Blogger Rob Danger said...

Matlock! heehee.

Blogger katarina said...

I'monna get me one-a them there pastel colored Klan robes. It'll set off my missing teeth. And I'll paint my trailer to match.

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

I heard they're re-thinking the phrase "compassionate" because it is considered lewd and lascivious, since it has "passionate" in it. Top contender to replace it:
"Contemptuous of the pitiful barely human losers" conservatives.

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Everyone in a persistent vegetative state gets a monogrammed drool bib, and a permanent feeding tube.

Blogger Brookelina said...

This is very disturbing. Disturbing because it's so true.

Send it to Dave. Make your blog famous!

Blogger Gwen said...

Ha, ha.

Sob.

Blogger Egan said...

Good work Dave...errr... I mean Todd. The tip better one was my favorite and that's keeping with Dave's list. Usually Dave's strongest items in the list are right in the middle.

Blogger enter my head said...

you are hilarious.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

ynh....I had some time to read through some blogs today...Millionaire McHugecock? I'm DYING over here!!!

Blogger Omnipotent Poobah said...

Great stuff! I love it. In fact, I love it so much I included a link in my rotating links list. Thanks for a good laugh (or is it cry?).

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