Monday, October 24, 2005
Bad Pick-Up Lines
Disclaimer: I've never used any of these. Not because I'm enlightened, but because of my life-crippling shyness, conquered only by alcohol, at which point I'm blathering and incoherent.

I've talked to several women, all in the name of research, about bad pick-up lines they've heard. When I wasn't distracted by their fabulous breasts, I recorded some of their replies.

- "You remind me of my best friend's mom, who's a total milf."

- "If you got boob implants, changed your hair, and dressed better you could be a stripper at one of the less-popular clubs."

- "What's a dirty bimbo like you doing in a classy place like this?"

- "If you buy me several drinks I'll probably want to fuck you."

- "Wanna come back to my house and see all the cool stuff I made from human flesh?"

- "I'm a direct descendant of Hitler's."

- "I don't even care if you're on the rag. I'm desperate."

- "Nice pants. Do they come in your size?"

- "What type of alcohol goes best with the date-rape drug?"

- "My friends bet me ten bucks I couldn't get you to have unprotected sex with me out by the dumpster. C'mon, help me out."

- "You look just like that porn star; you know, the one who specializes in double penetration with midgets."

- "Can you smell the fart I just ripped?"

- "You have that 'downs syndrome look' I like so much."

- "How'd you like to be an alcoholic loser's last resort?"

- "This dim lighting does wonders for your bad complexion."

What a shame women have to suffer such indignities. Do any of you ladies have any bad pick-up lines you'd like to share with the class? Guys, any you've used that you aren't so proud of? Let me know.


Blogger ItsTJoint said...

"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"; "Got any [fill in name or nationality] in you?" is a classic; anything involving the "yawn move."

Blogger Rachel said...

Hmm..."You must wash your underwear in windex because I see myself in your pants"

and my all time favorite - some guy actually walked up behind me and said this...

"you have nice breeding hips"

gee fucking thanks, only in Montana.

Blogger Shannon said...

My favorite so far has been "Hey, I'm an accountant."

Oh jesus, I've heard so many bad ones. Probably the funniest that I like to retell to people was one from a few years back when I was at the Center Bar and this dork ass came up to me and was all "Do you...Didya...Ididn'tknow...angels fly out this late at night?"


Another guy in Cabo once told me "I want to take you back to my hotel and rip you up" that fuckin' scared me.

And any guy who has ever referred to my boobs as being fake has gotten a big double thumbs down.

Fuckers. lol.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

A guy holding up a condom and asking "Do you wanna share this with me?".

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like Todd I'm very shy when it comes to the ladies (plus I'm married now anyway), but "back in the day" it always amazed me how arrogant a lot of guys were. I mean some of the chat up lines I over heard me me wince! Thing is a lot of 'em worked. Most women seem to like the arrogant, self confident type of guy. As they say, nice guys finish last.

See this face? It's leaving in 5 minutes, be on it!

Blogger katarina said...

I don't get hit on much, but there was this one time this guy came up to me and said, "A pretty girl like you shouldn't be sitting alone."
My response:
"Go away."

Blogger Calzone said...

What a great post!!!!


God this is funny.

Blogger Blonde said...

I had a guy at the gym say to me...It it hot in here or is it just you? LAME.

The other...I would love to eat a meal off your ass. WTF is that?!?!?!?!?!?

Blogger MsHellion said...

I got a giggle once from a guy who tried to use a comparative advantage.

He strolls up and says,"Geez, look at all these jerks in here."

I'm looking, buddy, trust me.

In high school, I had a guy come up to me and say, "Damn girl! You're too pretty to be a virgin. Are you crippled?"

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

"Wanna come back to my house and see all the cool stuff I made from human flesh?"

This is how I met my last boyfriend!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Proof positive that my FFF entry for this week is right on the money, bad boy.

Here's my entry:

Guy says "Want to grab some beer and go fuck?"

Girl says "No, I don't."

Guy says "You don't drink beer?"

ba-da-bing ba-da-boom

Thank you, I'll be appearing at your local comedy club soon.

lol, in high school, this boy told me I was hotter than a blowtorched hamster.

Wow, what a charmer.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Todd, did you by any chance get inspired by my blog for this little gem of an entry?

Can I be your Muse?

Blogger Calzone said...

Bad pick up can't stop laughing.

Blogger Nick said...

I don't want your virginity, just the box it came in.

I think inappropriate comments when doin' somebody are funnier.

I have had some weird ass things spouted out in various situations.

You're just like, "wtf?"

Blogger ETaylor said...

The best one I ever heard was..."You know what would look good on you?....Me"

Blogger MoDigli said...

Hmm... bad pickup lines. This is veering off the topic a leeeeetle bit, but same category: Pick ups.

How about the sneak-attack? This is where there are actually NO words spoken. In fact, you've never even seen the shmo' before, but suddenly his gyrating groin is attached to your ass while you're just minding your own business on the dance floor!!! I hate that! Why do some guys think that's gonna work??? Hello???... It's NOT! The only thing I end up thinking is "get the EFF off me!"

"Get your balls off my ass, kthx."

Blogger Dan said...

This was used by a guy I went to highschool with:

Guy: Can I smell your pussy?

Girl: No!

Guy: (sniffs) Hmmm...must be your feet. (walks away)

I guess if the girl says yes he's in, otherwise he has a good reply!

Blogger yournamehere said...

those are time-honored.

you should have kicked him in the balls.

did it work? Did you fall in love with the numbers cruncher?

oh, I'm gonna use the "rip you up" line.

was the condom at least still in the wrapper?

I think "confident" is female-speak for "really good looking".

Blogger yournamehere said...

that was probably the wise response.


that last one is bizarre.

yeah, no one ever wants to fuck a cripple.

was he a skilled flesh-artisan?

Blogger yournamehere said...

That's like "Wanna dance?"
"Then I suppose a blowjob is completely out of the question.

in all fairness, you are rather hot. He could have found a better point of comparison, though.

my last muse is in a meth clinic, so the position is open.

uh huh.

that's one you say and then brace yourself for the smack.

Blogger yournamehere said...

you need to blog about those comments.

sometimes the classics are the best.

the last time I was at Studio 54 a girl started freaking me, and I'm unattractive for Christ's sake.

C'mon, just one ball?

really, did anyone ever say yes to that?

Blogger katarina said...

"hotter than a blowtorched hamster."

What the hell? Is that supposed to be a good thing?

mod, I had a guy with a very LARGE penis dance behind me once and everytime he would swing his hips, it was like being spanked with a baseball bat. I was scared.

Blogger Calzone said...

The thing is they are all pick up lines..but they are bad..get it?? They won't work!!!

Blogger yournamehere said...

that was that guy's secret weapon.

Does your apparent hostility towards me stem from the reply to your comment from yesterday's post? My fault, I thought I could joke around with you the way Ubie and Nick do. A serious miscalculation on my part. I guess I don't know you as well as they do and I shouldn't have said that. I really don't blog to make people angry at me.

Blogger Calzone said...

I was jokin too man. I'll stop...chill.

Blogger Nick said...

Don't apologize to the Dinosaur.

Blogger yournamehere said...

You can rag on me all you want. For one, it ups my comment count. I just didn't want it to be because of what I said, which admittedly reads like a real cheap shot. Didn't mean for it to be. Carry on.

Blogger Calzone said...

Okay man..we are better than cool. Together we can rule the world.

Blogger Nick said...

As allies you will be an unstoppable vulgarity juggernaut.

That is unless calzone isn't too busy lapping sack behind the gay bar.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Drug addiction is a prerequisite to the muse job?

I'll have to pass then...

Blogger yournamehere said...

not a requirement of being my muse, but unfortunately a symptom.

Nick and Calzone,
we'll be like the Three Muskateers, minus the unsettling homoeroticism.

okay, okay...just one ball...just for a sec....just to see how it feels.

Blogger yournamehere said...

that's the spirit.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

"Can you pick me up at my mom's house because I don't have a car right now."

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

"DAY-UMMMMMMM" Screamed (and a second time when I ignored him)from a utility truck window as I left the convenience store last Thursday. Yeah, I was compelled to sprint across the 4 lanes and blow him right on the spot but I was afraid to run in heels.

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