Saturday, October 22, 2005
Okay, Here's a Date That Went Well
I don't normally post happy things on this blog, because let's face it: Happy isn't funny.

"Hey, that douche from viva las vegASS was happy today."

"Yeah. He totally sucked ballbag."

"Let's never read his happy-ass blog again."

"Great idea. Let's check Blogs of Note to see what we should be reading."

Today, though, in celebration of the weekend and the unwanted pregnancies and senseless fatalities it will inevitably bring, I'm going to blog about the best first date ever.

I met Sarah in a creative writing class I took in college. One day, after I read my short story aloud to the class, she approached me and told me how much she liked it. I thanked her, we talked for awhile, and I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with my friends and me in the now-condemned old University of Louisville student center. She couldn't resist the bomb shelter ambiance of the building or the hodgepodge of pseudo-socialists, drama queens, bad poets, and heavyset girls really into the Cure who constituted my circle of friends; so she quickly accepted my invite.

I don't consider this the first date. I think our official first date ended up going so well because we got to know each other hanging out before and after class. We didn't have to spend time playing the "get to know you" game.

The date began at Lentini's Italian Restaurant in Louisville. I never realized how good looking Sarah was until that night. Every time I saw her at school she wore ridicuously baggy sweaters, no makeup and a weird indie-rock hat the likes of which I hadn't seen before or since. I really didn't care about her looks. She completely charmed me with her intelligence and sense of humor; and she thought I was hilarious, which went a long way, baby.

The night ended at her nearby apartment. I don't talk about a lot of personal things on this blog, but let's just say we 'had relations'. Then I fucked her.

The relationship lasted about seven months but ended badly. So badly, in fact, that I changed Sarah's last name to Thegirlwhoruinedmylife. As in, "Hey, how's Sarah Thegirlwhoruinedmylife doing? Is she still alive, or does God answer prayers?" I won't go into detail, because this is my happy post.

Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
(Sung to the tune of Ren and Stimpy's Happy Happy Joy Joy)


Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, can we get more details on this ending-badly thing? I want to know.

Blogger yournamehere said...

she was a pill popper, a serial liar, a coke head, a manipulator, she had no friends except for her roommate who hated me and creepy drug dealers.

She hid the hard drug thing from me, or I was too blinded by love to notice, until she was just out of control. It still hurts me to think about it.

Blogger Brookelina said...

At least you got laid.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

wow as far as things ending badly, that is pretty bad, but at least you can look at the beginning fondly!

Blogger Blonde said...

I know that Sarah. I believe she stole the only man I ever cared about, Dave TheDouceBagWithABigEgoSMALLDickandNoBallsFuckingCocksuckerClosetGayMotherFucker. Lets hope she doesn't decided to hyphenate her new last name with her maiden name when they marry.

BTW, you are way too good for her.

Blogger Crystal said...

Great date posts! Religious people defy understanding and I really felt for you Todd on reading that previous post.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Todd, my friends would love you.

Unfortunately, we all got together for lunch today and two of my single friends got engaged just last week.

Of my remaining single friends, one is mentally imbalanced, one cries a lot and one is absolutely wonderful but has a hard time because she's nearly 6 feet tall and a little shy. She has a blog -- Lis Rocks on my links -- 'cause you're tall, right?

Of course, she lives in Chicago. Never mind.

Blogger yournamehere said...

wow, that was cynical. That's why I love you.

the first three or four months were so great I could hardly believe it.

For so long I thought she was too good for me, but I was too good for her. And you are so too good for Dave.

I don't mind spiritual people; I'm not fond of fanatics.

you are so sweet looking out for me. If I visit Chicago again, I want you and your hubbie to take me to a good jazz or blues club. Those are two things Vegas is lacking.

Do I need to hunt her down and kick her ass? I'll punch her in the ovary. Right in the baby-maker.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I have no idea where she is, but if I ever need a Vegas girl to receive a vicious beat down, I'll call you.

First you agree to bang Satan so I can roll VIP in hell, and now you offer to kick a total stranger's ass. You are too kind to me.

Well, I think you rock balls.

Blogger Rachel said...

Todd, lets go have margaritas honey!

Blogger Turtlellini said...

There's nothing quite like a guy who doesn't kiss and tell. "Then I fucked her." HA! (why did that turn me on? God I'm a dude.) didn't tell us about the kissing part-so that counts.

Btw. My ex husband's name is
Tim TheOLDBiSexuallyDeviant-TittyBaraddictedPedophilicAssHatski. It's a long, hyphenated last name. His parents were polish and his mother was a feminist.

lol, I'm a dude too Turtellini. I'm also kind of slut, which works out well for me.

Todd, whaddya say we head down to Scores and snort some coke off of some strippers asses or something? lulz.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, I'm sorry :( You seem really kind and I think you deserve someone who isn't a sociopath.

Blogger yournamehere said...

thanks. I'm quite fond of you, also.

Name the time and place.

oh, there was no foreplay. Just kidding.

I would love to go to Scores with you, but could I substitute whipped cream for the coke?

How sweet. And you deserve someone as intelligent as you (good luck with that, as you are quite smart) who'll look you in the eye while he's talking to you.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you know that David Copperfield is planning to impregnate a woman on stage, using no sexual contact, during his next magical show?

Talk about an unwanted pregnancy!

Blogger Blonde said...

I have a feeling that I am going to be the third wheel in Vegas with Todd and Shaken :(.

I want to go to Scores too.

Blogger yournamehere said...

will she give birth to the Jesus of geeky magicians?

based on prior life experience, I have a feeling I'll be the third wheel. Although, in this case that might not be so bad.

Blogger yournamehere said...

My last comment was meant as a compliment to Blonde and Shaken, by the way.

Third wheel my ass, to both of you!

I don't know about snorting whipped cream, Todd. It might burn.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Cynical! I was looking on the bright side!

Blogger babyjewels said...

Happy happy post post will now replace the continual loop of the meow mix commercial I've had stuck in my head.

Blogger yournamehere said...

you've obviously never snorted some high-grade cream.

you're right. Countless women have ripped my heart out and never gave it up.

Happy happy post post will sweep the nation.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

It seems like everything starts out okay.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

"Everything ends badly; otherwise, it wouldn't end."

Great line spoken by Tom "now psycho" Cruise in Cocktail.

And so very very true.

You got the hook up or what?

Blogger Calzone said...

you do know that all chicks that are good in bed are pill popping pyschos don't you??? I truly think there is a connection between insanity and a good screw.

By the way ladies...I'm crazy

Blogger yournamehere said...

the problem was, for me nothing ever started out as "okay" as this one.

I agree with you, but please no more quoting Tom Cruise.

I got the hook up, but it'll cost you.

are you like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog minus the humor?

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

The hell with her and every other girlnotworthytobewithTodd...I don't know if many of us are worthy, although I would hope that we blogger gals would get some worthiness points

Blogger yournamehere said...

all of the blogger gals are awesome, especially the ones who love football (wink, wink). I'm the one who's not worthy.

I'm sleeping with Satan, I'm kicking bitches asses, what more do I need to do, ffs!?

Blogger Oh So Wonderful said...

Hey, wait up - I love football, I blog, I read your blog, I'll be in Vegas in December, and the last time I checked, I was a female...does that mean I'm awesome too? Maybe?

I just wanted to say that you've got some great stuff on here, not that you didn't know that already! Thanks for the laughs...

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