I don't normally post happy things on this blog, because let's face it: Happy isn't funny.
"Hey, that douche from viva las vegASS was happy today."
"Yeah. He totally sucked ballbag."
"Let's never read his happy-ass blog again."
"Great idea. Let's check Blogs of Note to see what we should be reading."
Today, though, in celebration of the weekend and the unwanted pregnancies and senseless fatalities it will inevitably bring, I'm going to blog about the best first date ever.
I met Sarah in a creative writing class I took in college. One day, after I read my short story aloud to the class, she approached me and told me how much she liked it. I thanked her, we talked for awhile, and I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with my friends and me in the now-condemned old University of Louisville student center. She couldn't resist the bomb shelter ambiance of the building or the hodgepodge of pseudo-socialists, drama queens, bad poets, and heavyset girls really into the Cure who constituted my circle of friends; so she quickly accepted my invite.
I don't consider this the first date. I think our official first date ended up going so well because we got to know each other hanging out before and after class. We didn't have to spend time playing the "get to know you" game.
The date began at Lentini's Italian Restaurant in Louisville. I never realized how good looking Sarah was until that night. Every time I saw her at school she wore ridicuously baggy sweaters, no makeup and a weird indie-rock hat the likes of which I hadn't seen before or since. I really didn't care about her looks. She completely charmed me with her intelligence and sense of humor; and she thought I was hilarious, which went a long way, baby.
The night ended at her nearby apartment. I don't talk about a lot of personal things on this blog, but let's just say we 'had relations'. Then I fucked her.
The relationship lasted about seven months but ended badly. So badly, in fact, that I changed Sarah's last name to Thegirlwhoruinedmylife. As in, "Hey, how's Sarah Thegirlwhoruinedmylife doing? Is she still alive, or does God answer prayers?" I won't go into detail, because this is my happy post.
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
(Sung to the tune of Ren and Stimpy's Happy Happy Joy Joy)
"Hey, that douche from viva las vegASS was happy today."
"Yeah. He totally sucked ballbag."
"Let's never read his happy-ass blog again."
"Great idea. Let's check Blogs of Note to see what we should be reading."
Today, though, in celebration of the weekend and the unwanted pregnancies and senseless fatalities it will inevitably bring, I'm going to blog about the best first date ever.
I met Sarah in a creative writing class I took in college. One day, after I read my short story aloud to the class, she approached me and told me how much she liked it. I thanked her, we talked for awhile, and I asked her if she wanted to have lunch with my friends and me in the now-condemned old University of Louisville student center. She couldn't resist the bomb shelter ambiance of the building or the hodgepodge of pseudo-socialists, drama queens, bad poets, and heavyset girls really into the Cure who constituted my circle of friends; so she quickly accepted my invite.
I don't consider this the first date. I think our official first date ended up going so well because we got to know each other hanging out before and after class. We didn't have to spend time playing the "get to know you" game.
The date began at Lentini's Italian Restaurant in Louisville. I never realized how good looking Sarah was until that night. Every time I saw her at school she wore ridicuously baggy sweaters, no makeup and a weird indie-rock hat the likes of which I hadn't seen before or since. I really didn't care about her looks. She completely charmed me with her intelligence and sense of humor; and she thought I was hilarious, which went a long way, baby.
The night ended at her nearby apartment. I don't talk about a lot of personal things on this blog, but let's just say we 'had relations'. Then I fucked her.
The relationship lasted about seven months but ended badly. So badly, in fact, that I changed Sarah's last name to Thegirlwhoruinedmylife. As in, "Hey, how's Sarah Thegirlwhoruinedmylife doing? Is she still alive, or does God answer prayers?" I won't go into detail, because this is my happy post.
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
Happy Happy Post Post
(Sung to the tune of Ren and Stimpy's Happy Happy Joy Joy)
23 Comments:
Todd, can we get more details on this ending-badly thing? I want to know.
Dena,
she was a pill popper, a serial liar, a coke head, a manipulator, she had no friends except for her roommate who hated me and creepy drug dealers.
She hid the hard drug thing from me, or I was too blinded by love to notice, until she was just out of control. It still hurts me to think about it.
At least you got laid.
wow as far as things ending badly, that is pretty bad, but at least you can look at the beginning fondly!
I know that Sarah. I believe she stole the only man I ever cared about, Dave TheDouceBagWithABigEgoSMALLDickandNoBallsFuckingCocksuckerClosetGayMotherFucker. Lets hope she doesn't decided to hyphenate her new last name with her maiden name when they marry.
BTW, you are way too good for her.
Great date posts! Religious people defy understanding and I really felt for you Todd on reading that previous post.
Todd, my friends would love you.
Unfortunately, we all got together for lunch today and two of my single friends got engaged just last week.
Of my remaining single friends, one is mentally imbalanced, one cries a lot and one is absolutely wonderful but has a hard time because she's nearly 6 feet tall and a little shy. She has a blog -- Lis Rocks on my links -- 'cause you're tall, right?
Of course, she lives in Chicago. Never mind.
brooke,
wow, that was cynical. That's why I love you.
knitty,
the first three or four months were so great I could hardly believe it.
blonde,
For so long I thought she was too good for me, but I was too good for her. And you are so too good for Dave.
crystal,
I don't mind spiritual people; I'm not fond of fanatics.
ubie,
you are so sweet looking out for me. If I visit Chicago again, I want you and your hubbie to take me to a good jazz or blues club. Those are two things Vegas is lacking.
Todd, lets go have margaritas honey!
Todd, I'm sorry :( You seem really kind and I think you deserve someone who isn't a sociopath.
shaken,
thanks. I'm quite fond of you, also.
rachel,
Name the time and place.
turtellini,
oh, there was no foreplay. Just kidding.
Shaken,
I would love to go to Scores with you, but could I substitute whipped cream for the coke?
dena,
How sweet. And you deserve someone as intelligent as you (good luck with that, as you are quite smart) who'll look you in the eye while he's talking to you.
Did you know that David Copperfield is planning to impregnate a woman on stage, using no sexual contact, during his next magical show?
Talk about an unwanted pregnancy!
I have a feeling that I am going to be the third wheel in Vegas with Todd and Shaken :(.
I want to go to Scores too.
real,
will she give birth to the Jesus of geeky magicians?
blonde,
based on prior life experience, I have a feeling I'll be the third wheel. Although, in this case that might not be so bad.
My last comment was meant as a compliment to Blonde and Shaken, by the way.
Cynical! I was looking on the bright side!
Happy happy post post will now replace the continual loop of the meow mix commercial I've had stuck in my head.
shaken,
you've obviously never snorted some high-grade cream.
brooke,
you're right. Countless women have ripped my heart out and never gave it up.
babyjewels,
Happy happy post post will sweep the nation.
It seems like everything starts out okay.
you do know that all chicks that are good in bed are pill popping pyschos don't you??? I truly think there is a connection between insanity and a good screw.
By the way ladies...I'm crazy
pants,
the problem was, for me nothing ever started out as "okay" as this one.
mollyn.,
I agree with you, but please no more quoting Tom Cruise.
shaken,
I got the hook up, but it'll cost you.
calzone,
are you like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog minus the humor?
Indie,
all of the blogger gals are awesome, especially the ones who love football (wink, wink). I'm the one who's not worthy.
Hey, wait up - I love football, I blog, I read your blog, I'll be in Vegas in December, and the last time I checked, I was a female...does that mean I'm awesome too? Maybe?
I just wanted to say that you've got some great stuff on here, not that you didn't know that already! Thanks for the laughs...
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