Tuesday, October 25, 2005
By the Time I Get to Arizona
Tuesday afternoon, after working a full day, I have to get on an overbooked Southwest Airlines flight that will no doubt smell like Mr. Hanky's Poo Sleigh and travel a whole forty-five minutes to Phoenix (imagine Vegas if Wilfred Brimley were in charge) for work bullshit. God, I hate the Las Vegas airport. It's barely bigger than Louisville's airport, and in case you aren't aware, Las Vegas is slightly more of a tourist destination than Louisville. And since it's midweek, every cheap bastard on earth will be coming to town to take advantage of the thirty dollar rooms at the Stratosphere. It'll serve them right when they're brutally assaulted while stumbling drunkenly along the crack-den-laden streets that surround the hotel. Luxor, bitches. It's cheap and it's on the South Strip.

There's an old Nazi lady who checks I.D. at McCarren (the airport's actual name). The last time I had to deal with her she stared at my driver's license for the better part of a decade. Granted, my I.D. might be the worst ever; the camera at the Henderson DMV doesn't tilt up, so being 6'6" I had to slouch to get the top of my head in the frame. The result makes me look like a creature from Planet Neckless. Anyway, she was about to give the license to me when she pulls it back and says in a Schwartzeneggeresque voice, "You hahv und-til Novembuh," meaning I had until November to renew my license. This was in March, thanks for the heads up. I actually said, "GIMME THAT!" and snatched my I.D. from her hands. The people next to me laughed out loud. "I'm not usually like this," I told them as I rushed to the metal detector before She-Hitler decided to have me detained.

Once I'm on the plane I'll look for a seat in the emergency exit row, the only ones with adequate leg room, but they'll be taken by a group of pixies who need the extra space for the ten pieces of full-sized luggage they neglected to check at baggage claim. Then when I'm finally shoehorned into a space, someone about five-feet-zero will recline his seat on me, introducing my knees to my face. On the bright side, the last time I flew home from Louisville I was able to blow myself.

When we finally get to the hotel it's time to check in and take the hotel shuttle to Mill Avenue in Tempe, where there are bars and restaurants aplenty. It's an Arizona State hangout, but I'm tired of being ignored by women my age; it's high time I was ignored by college girls. Occasionally I'll remind a young girl of her wacky uncle and she'll buy me a drink.

Then on Wednesday morning we begin a fun filled day of being told how much we suck and how lucky we are to have jobs. In my case, this is true, but who wants it verbalized? I hate my job. All I want to do is put in my eight hours and go home. We don't need training. IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY JOB. Some overpaid douchebag at the corporate office has to justify his salary, though; so let's waste my time, by all means.

In better news, I'm going to Hollywood Saturday night to see a rare (only three U.S. dates) concert by eighties goth gods Bauhaus. My friend knows a cat who knows a dame who knows a dude. Halloween weekend in Hollywood seeing Bauhaus. This should give me my freak fix for the year.

I'll blog again Thursday night/Friday morning. Everyone have a great middle of the week.


31 Comments:

lol, it's McCarrAn, ffs!

I know that lady! That bitch barely lets me through every time. I do realize I have the fakest looking Alaska ID and it looks nothing like me being that my hair is white blonde and I've stuck all sorts of stickers on the back, but fuck lady, I'm usually drunk by the time I get to security anyway, give a girl a break!

lol, I'm that ass with the 15 pieces of luggage too, but it's only because I'm too drunk to get there to check in on time.

I'm also the drunkest girl on the plane who insists on sitting by the window and getting up to pee every 3.4 minutes.

Todd, I think you may need to find a new job, my bloggy-friend. I mean, why work at a monkey job when you can get harassed by towlheads!?

At least you get to leave this place for a few days. I haven't been outta here in a minute. I'm also very jealous you are going to Hollywood. Despite getting GHB poisoning and being rushed to Cedars Sinai and nearly dying once, Hollyweird has a warm fuzzy place in my heart. I love partyin' there. While I've never heard of Bauhaus, I highly recommend the sake at Mr. Miyagi's, and the Beanery is a great after-hours spot.

Have fun, and watch the teeth on that self-serving blowjob.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm sure I'd forgive the fifteen pieces of luggage and the getting up to pee constantly if you wore something revealing.

McCarran. Okay. I think the Phoenix airport is called "Fuck Todd International".

Not sure about the self bj. My back has been hurting lately, and if it's too cold on the plane, you can forget it.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

The thing I hate most about the vegas airport is the loud ass slots.

I stayed at the strasophere once, piece of shit and scary as hell around there. Boardwalk is another cheap option in a decent part of the strip...

Blogger Nick said...

I've been there a couple times, all I can say it's better than O'Hare.

towelheads? *shakes head*

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Did you know you can check in online starting at midnight, the night before your flight? You'll have a better chance of getting a seat with adequate leg room if you're in the A group.

I usually sit next to some creep who tries to chat me up about whatever I'm reading to avoid him.

Blogger katarina said...

I'm so glad my monkey job doesn't send me anywhere to train.

In fact, I haven't been on a plane in... 23 years. Wow. That's the big jet planes. My dad and my uncle used to fly those little commuter, putt-putt planes. They used to take me for rides and let me fly them. That was... 13 years ago. Not as bad.

Blogger Calzone said...

Bauhaus is cool mos def. My first wife was a goth, was way into them. And by the way now that we settled that you better insult me fucknuts.

Blogger Crystal said...

Fabulous. You mentioned the self pleasuring and now I have you pegged to look like Ron Jeremy. You know what this means, don't you? You have to post a picture to beat that image out of my head. Ron Jeremy is fucking wretched.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

dude, you are so fucking funny.

I had a conversation with Pixel the other night about how we wouldnt leave our houses if we could pull off your self bj trick...

Blogger The real me said...

Toddles,
(I can call you Toddles, can't I? After the begging me to be your muse... I mean we're on those kind of terms, arent' we?)

You've led such a varied and horrific life that any lie you'd try to slip into you list of truths would go unnoticed... unless it was supremely boring and ordinary.

NO ONE would believe something like that!

Happy trails.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Bela Legosi's dead....

I'M DEAD I'M DEAD I'M DEAD

Blogger Housekeeper said...

My 6'7" husband used to have the leg room problem, then we had a kid...preboarding rules! He gets the emergency exit and we get the front. It works out best when the bean is crying 'cause no one wants to sit next to you...breast feeding used to work too but we stopped that awhile ago.

Blogger ETaylor said...

I agree with canofworms, I too pictured Ron Jeremy when you mentioned pleasuring yourself. I think you need to redeem yourself with a picture!

Blogger Rachel said...

Todd honey, I don't need flying horror stories right now, I'm about to take a trip. Oh, and I'm 5' nothin' but I would never make you blow yourself, if ya know what I'm saying ;)

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

You just reminded me a trip I took to San Diego from B-more in mid-February...the plane was overbooked because this was the first to leave the east coast for days due to 30+ inches of snow, and when I boarded the plane, I saw that I would be sandwiched between a fat guy and a tall built football player type whose leg prevented my arm rest from being put down. They were thrilled that little me was their middle seat while I was incredibly miserable.

Happy traveling Todd!

Blogger Egan said...

I love these angst laden posts of yours. Have a wicked good time in Tempe.

Blogger Blonde said...

HOLY SHIT>>>>>BAUHAUS!! I love, love loved them!

Have a fabulous time! BTW, if you do start to blow yourself on the plane due to the seating arragement, I am sure they woudl find you a better seat ;)

Blogger aughra said...

6'6"? Holy shit! Call me!


Hey, why am I not on your blog roll? Bitch.

Blogger Shannon said...

I don't think I can wait until this weekend for another post! I'm already pulling my hair out and vomiting on myself.

Blogger Egan said...

Shannon, you might want to step away from the computer. Vomitting isn't hot. Toddsa will be back soon enough to share his wicked adventures.

Whatever, bulimia is all the rage. Didn't you ever see Heathers?

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

DogGirl might be coming to your town soon! Read your email VegASSSSSSS.

Blogger n.v. said...

Can you put hookers on the company Am-Ex?

Blogger n.v. said...

Towelheads? I'd think you were joking, but you don't seem that smart. Slut. ("lol!")

Blogger Crystal said...

Enjoy your trip! Arizona seems so scenic, I gotta get out West sometime.

Blogger Egan said...

Dena - I saw that, but chose to ignore that remark for some reason. You are bolder than me. Yes, I have seen Heathers, but isn't that movie at least 15 years old? That goes back to when Shannen Doherty wasn't even Brenda Walsh yet.

Blogger Nick said...

Nonvocabulum - That was great. I especially like the quote marks. Nice touch.

Blogger n.v. said...

Egan, I ignored everything else she typed. But towelheads stood out because Rainman can't spell.

Nick, I think you noticed it before anyone else. I should bookmark you for being sharp.

By the way, I'm a member of the Middle Eastern Defense League Against White Trash Whores and we will shortly be detonating a bomb in Shaken and Stirred's cunt that was planted there by a homeless crack whore tranny in Reno, NV.

Blogger Egan said...

Dena - you are my hero and I fear you and your towlheaded bomb loving relatives, a lot. Leave me alone. I come here in peace.

Blogger Nick said...

I may be sharp but I lack the razor-like tongue which you possess. However, I wholeheartedly support the MEDLAWTW.

Not much of an acronym though. :)

Blogger Ruben said...

Don't hate me, but this was really funny especially the part about the nazi lady.

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