Monday, December 26, 2005
I'm Dreaming of a Toxic Christmas
Right now I'm at my friends Dave and Alisha's house at their "Post-Family Christmas Egg Nog and Bad Gift Burning Extravaganza". The idea is to gather together, drink like you're mad at your liver for fucking your girlfriend, and ritually burn the worst gift you received from your fam. So, since I'm kind of drunk and overdue for emailing my profession of love to Brooke, I'll list what's happened so far in the last two days.

-We spent Christmas Eve night at a neighborhood bar called Vito's, named after its five-hundred pound owner, who I'm convinced has a collection of human feet in his basement. I got really drunk and pathetically attempted to hit on the bartender. She was nice and put up with my lack of game.

-Tonight we drank a lot of eggnog, bourbon, and some Korean shit they use to embalm Asian paupers.

-Dave told a room full of horrified party-goers that he had anal relations with his ex-wife. He fucked her up the ass, is what that means.

-We burned some bad gifts, one of which was a tacky plastic angel coated in Agent Orange. The resulting toxic fumes gave our lungs the carcinogenic effect of thirty years of chain-smoking filterless cigarettes.

I hope everyone had a tolerable Christmas. Good day.


35 Comments:

Blogger MoDigli said...

What a BRILLIANT idea to BURN your worst presents!! That actually sounds like a lot of fun - except that part where you breath in 30 yrs of Pall Malls. That part kinda sucks! ;)

Merry Christmas!

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

my father got me a mini lava lamp that plugs into a USB port. I would burn it but I'm afraid its contents might be toxic.

Blogger Nick said...

Knit - That's awesome, how could you possiblt think about burning that!?

Todd - Merry Christmas, bro! We found a bar open too! Asian Paupers piss me off.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm so glad you cleared up the anal relations part of your story. I wasn't sure what that meant until then.

By the way, this post does not count as your drunken email.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

It's kind of nice to be away from the family sometimes. I missed them, but it was cool to not deal with the insanity.

By the way, Knit, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.

Blogger Anna said...

This is the first of your posts that I read... and then I read the rest on this page. Tomorrow, I'll start on your archives... how have I lived this long without reading you!?!?

Blogger Jo said...

Isn't that sweet, Todd? One more woman madly in love with you. I don't know how you've even time to blog what with all these womens wanting to do ya!

My parents got me a life insurance policy for Christmas. With them as the benefactors. I'm feeling nervous.

Blogger Rachel said...

Hey honey, thanks for the phone call and I am so sorry I wasn't able to talk. As you probably figured out my Christmas was less than stellar.
I will tell you about it when you get home. Suffice to say for now that I'M A DUMBASS AND NEED TO LEARN!

Lovin' and missin' you. Next Christmas why don't you and I go hang out at a bar instead of this family shit?

Blogger katarina said...

Oh no, I have someone else to compete with now. I command you to come live in my house and satisfy my every whim.

I'm frightened that people may actually keep a collection of feet in their basements. It has to be true. You can't make shit like this up.

Blogger Übermilf said...

So many women love you that I'm tempted to scorn you.

But I can't... I just can't...

I have to say, I wasn't expecting you to say human feet. Heads maybe...fingers. But not feet. Interesting.

Blogger Van said...

that was a beautiful post. thank you.

Blogger wmy said...

heellllooooo baaabbbbyyyyy
I sent you one of those stuffed singing reindeer...it sings "Rudolph the cocksucking reindeer" did you get it yet?? You better not burn it...ok, go ahead if you wanna.

Blogger EEK! said...

I left the charred angel on Alisha's porch, too.

Ha!

Blogger Slutbag said...

you are a wanted man!

Blogger Blonde said...

Much like the partygoers being hit with the anal bomb, the proclamation of love bomb for Brooke just went off in my heart :(. You are cheating on me. I will give you a second chance.

The worst gift I got this year was a pair of panties my brother got me as a joke that say "Let's French" on the butt because I despise all things french.

Blogger Calzone said...

I had anal relations with Dave's ex wife too but I don't go around bragging on it.

Blogger Calzone said...

Actually we didn't call it anal relations though.. We called it "trying on the pink sock".

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Are ya'll talking about ass sex? Such a nasty bunch.

Blogger Jill said...

The worst Christmas gift I received this year was a rock paperweight. I wonder if that would burn.

Blogger mastershake said...

yeh well, I spent christmas opening a stocking so I feel like im living in some sort of third world contry and I spent my 16th birthday (the 26th) working.

Blogger katarina said...

"trying on the pink sock"
tee-hee

I can't complain too much. I'm hot for Brooke too.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Awesome! Katarina, it's my neckless body isn't it? It gets everyone hot. But I'm not doing that pink sock thing. A girl's gotta have her standards.

Blogger Claudia said...

Would anyone be interested in buring the Ashlee Simpson CD with me? Honestly, who does that? Who gets a 24 year old the Ashlee Simpson album? What is wrong with people?

Blogger The real me said...

All I want for Christmas is to write like Todd... spewer of the most magical prose, hideous yet can't-help-but-look descriptions... you are my hero.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I would burn the obscene amount of jewelry my four nieces gave me (from the dollar store) but I already smoke and I don't want to barf up a lung or anything.

Hope you're having fun at home, have you been to the camel toe bar?

Blogger Princess Steph said...

are you going home via Texas 'cause if you would we could have some fun.......

Blogger katarina said...

Brooke, I think it's your tiny little nipples.
Hot, hot, hot.

Blogger Crystal said...

872 illegal Vietnamese children working slave labor around the clock made me 6 bra's for Christmas.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Katarina - yes, my itty bitty titties reel em all in. Wait til you check out my fingerless hands!

Todd - you can consider this mildly dirty talk between Katarina and me your Christmas present.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Todd, we miss you and love you. Come back!

Blogger Jo said...

Jesus, Todd. It's been DAYS. Come back and talk to us!! I'm starting to feel like a crack whore. You being crack. Me willing to do anything to get it. That's not really a good analogy, is it?

Blogger Brookelina said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Jo, that was an awesome analogy.

I deleted the previous comment due to a grammar error. Yes, I'm that anal.

Blogger The real me said...

Careful Brooke, you said anal and titties in the same comments section. Isn't there a rule against that sort of thing?

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