Friday, December 23, 2005
viva las christmASS

Yeah, I thought I was going to have to stab my father in his neck with a sharpened candy cane Wednesday night. It would have been in the truest spirit of the holidays, of course, but try telling that to the police.

Wednesday night, fresh from working a ridiculous afternoon/evening shift, I met my brother, sister-in-law, dad and dad's wife for a late dinner. My dad, in a blatant attempt to ruin my brother's Christmas, is in Vegas this holiday season. I'll be escaping to Louisville this evening, so I had to spend a little time with the fam. I'll spare you the details, but my dad annoys the piss out of me. He subscribes to the Rush Limbaugh newsletter, for cunting out loud! I love him, but in a forced "yeah, he provided the seed of my being" kind of way.

So I'm going home for the holidays. I plan to drink a lot and hang out with the rest of my family (the ones who don't watch Fox News for hours on end) and my beloved Kentucky friends. I don't know when I'll have internet access, so I'll be posting very sporadically for the next week or so.

We here at viva las vegASS would like to wish you and yours a very happy holiday season. Sure, you'll be shopping for gifts at a gas station at 11pm Christmas Eve; a cousin will be knocked up with another little bastard; your uncle will drink too much and weep openly as he talks about the only woman he ever loved, and she's not your aunt; someone will undercook the turkey and you'll spend the night shitting your internal ograns into a manageable paste; the eggnog will be served room temperature; your nephew will kick you savagely in your privates; a little-seen family member will come out of the closet; and someone will give you a Chiaus Christ Chia Pet.

Other than that, Merry Christmas.


30 Comments:

Blogger Jo said...

Merry Christmas to you :-)

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Gotta love the family! Happy holidays to you (haha) dear Todd - have a safe trip home and a cooked-turkey, correct-temp eggnog, painfree, drunk Christmas :-)

Blogger All Things Dave said...

I like to watch Fox News but not during a holiday gathering!

I hate those family gatherings where distant relatives come together under one roof in order to huddle around a freaking television set.

Unless of course a Steelers game is on.

Merry Christmas.

Blogger JJ said...

Right back at ya, Big Guy. Have safe travel.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Amen Dave!

Blogger Rachel said...

Awww when you put it that way it makes the idea of spending Christmas with my family all the more appealing.

;)

Merry Christmas to you too hon!

Love you!

Well, with those merry thoughts in mind, Merry Pre-Christmas to you too, Todd. Good luck with that manageable paste!

Blogger Claudia said...

Don't forget to add listen to old aunts/uncles and parents talk and laugh about sex and cry in the fetal position to your list.

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and have a sweet Kwanzaa.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I look forward to my drunken email of filthy love. Be safe.

Blogger Nick said...

Merry Chistmas, yo.

Blogger Livia said...

Merry Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah!!

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

The real punch in the crotch is having to entertain the offspring of the cousin who's knocked up again. Happy Xmas.

Blogger Dan-E said...

merry Christmas you fat bastard.

Blogger Blonde said...

For CUNTING out loud, you have a Happy Holiday too.

I better read here that you had a Bourbon induced Beer Box Wrestling bout with Tango Jellybean!!!!

Have a safe trip!!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I am so glad to know there are families more disfunctional than mine! Thanks for cheering me up, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!!

Blogger Sindy said...

you pegged it.. Merry freakin Chistmas. =)

Blogger miss kendra said...

merry christmas etc.

may i suggest shredded jerky as a stocking stuffer? don't wrap it, just shove it in there.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

i feel the same way about my brother.
He makes me want to poke myself repeatedly with a dull spoon in the ear, just so i won't have to hear his voice.

Glad you are going home.

Blogger Shannon said...

Todd,

Merry Christmas, Joyous Kwanza, and Happy New Year.

Blogger Übermilf said...

If someone listened to Fox News in my family (other than to angry up the blood and mock Sean Hannity, as my sister does) that would be the person in the closet.

And he/she would never, ever come out...

I come from Casa de Liberals.

Blogger Nick said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Jillibean said...

Have a Merry Bluegrasstic Christmas!

Blogger anywherebutTX said...

Wow... Are we related? I swear we have the same relatives..

Blogger Heather said...

I'll see you tomorrow night and the eggnog will be VERY cold and FULL of Makers Mark. :)

Blogger Nick said...

Gotta catch a plane to Louisville, excuse me.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Merry Christmas man.

Blogger Ruben said...

OK! The picture is priceless and I have also thought of assualting my father with assorted food items. lol

Blogger Anthony said...

Aren't family wonderful? Merry Christmas, Todd.

Blogger 2012天氣晴朗 said...
Blogger 2012天氣晴朗 said...

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