viva las christmASS

Yeah, I thought I was going to have to stab my father in his neck with a sharpened candy cane Wednesday night. It would have been in the truest spirit of the holidays, of course, but try telling that to the police.

Wednesday night, fresh from working a ridiculous afternoon/evening shift, I met my brother, sister-in-law, dad and dad's wife for a late dinner. My dad, in a blatant attempt to ruin my brother's Christmas, is in Vegas this holiday season. I'll be escaping to Louisville this evening, so I had to spend a little time with the fam. I'll spare you the details, but my dad annoys the piss out of me. He subscribes to the Rush Limbaugh newsletter, for cunting out loud! I love him, but in a forced "yeah, he provided the seed of my being" kind of way.

So I'm going home for the holidays. I plan to drink a lot and hang out with the rest of my family (the ones who don't watch Fox News for hours on end) and my beloved Kentucky friends. I don't know when I'll have internet access, so I'll be posting very sporadically for the next week or so.

We here at viva las vegASS would like to wish you and yours a very happy holiday season. Sure, you'll be shopping for gifts at a gas station at 11pm Christmas Eve; a cousin will be knocked up with another little bastard; your uncle will drink too much and weep openly as he talks about the only woman he ever loved, and she's not your aunt; someone will undercook the turkey and you'll spend the night shitting your internal ograns into a manageable paste; the eggnog will be served room temperature; your nephew will kick you savagely in your privates; a little-seen family member will come out of the closet; and someone will give you a Chiaus Christ Chia Pet.

Other than that, Merry Christmas.