Monday, December 12, 2005
It's not the weekend until you piss in a sink
This is a picture of the world's largest thermometer, located in Baker, California, about a hundred miles from Vegas on the road to San Diego. It must be a rectal thermometer, because Baker smells like asshole. (I got this picture off the internet; it wasn't really 102 there yesterday). I went to San Diego on Sunday with my brother and our friend Draper; and I was in awe as we passed this historic landmark of kitsch.

My weekend began Saturday morning with me being a no-account layabout. I ordered the University of Louisville basketball game on pay-per-view and watched my hometown heroes defeat the Akron Zips. Yeah, they beat the shit out of those tire-making motherfuckers.

Sunday morning we went to San Diego. My brother has season tickets, so it was fun to lead the good life for a few hours. Jesus, the face value of my ticket was $275.oo!!! Do you know how many Louisville Slugger Triple-A baseball games you can go to for $275.oo? All of them. We could order food from our seats, but I stuck with one beer and a turkey sandwich. Healthy food at a football game: Only in San Diego.

On the way back to Vegas we encountered a landmark of a different sort: The world's smelliest, most disgusting restroom. Oh, Christ on a moped, it was filthy. The toilet was a horrid bouillabaisse of several people's urine and feces. Yes, I think someone might have taken a shit on top of someone else's shit, ignoring the airborne bacteria that undoubtedly made a new home in his poopchute. The smell of this miniature cesspool made me gag, and adding my own brand of bladder brine to this foul witch's brew would have surely killed me, so I did what I had to do. I pissed in the sink. I proudly and without hesitation firehosed that whole sink down, and I'd do it again if the circumstances warranted. Unless you saw what I saw and smelled what I smelled, you have no right to judge me.

I unlocked the door and my friend Draper was waiting to go in. "Use the sink" I said to him as the door shut. I heard his gagging and knew he would soon follow my lead.

This prison-like shitter was, believe it or not, unisex, so next in line were two young women. I begged them not to go in there. Unless they were acrobats, they weren't pissing in that sink. Thankfully, they listened to me when I said the toilet was "unflushable". They thanked me and walked back to their car like two girls who really had to pee.

Other than that, I had a good weekend. How was yours?


You should've asked them if they had any gymnastics background, and if they said yes, they could've handled it.

Blogger Rachel said...

Wow, sounds like your weekend was more um...interesting than mine. My weekend has been fabulous - except for the fact that while you were in San Diego we were almost as fah apaht as we could get and still be in this country.

LOL, sorry, I'm dropping my 'r's just like any good Bostonian.

Love you, mean it!

Is that not the longest drive ever? I kind of like the thermometer. It makes me smile. It makes me particularly glad I don't live in Baker.

My weekend blew ass. My best friend from high school moved here and we got crunk, but aside from that it blew balls.

Blogger katarina said...

On my drive from Pennsylvania to Florida last year we encountered many bathrooms like this.
Who cleans these bathrroms? Are they ever cleaned? Why is it okay to not clean a bathroom because it's in a gas station?
The rest stop bathrooms were almost spotless.
I am no acrobat. But I'm good at holding it.

Blogger Blonde said... chance were you in KY at a certain someone's house and pissed in her washer????

Reminds me of the outside bathroom at the Jimmy Buffett concert this summer. I thought I was going to die from the stench.

Blogger JJ said...

Well, let's see. Friday night I sat in the stands of a football stadium in 30 degree weather freezing my particles off just to watch our coach suffer a crushing brain fart and throw the game away. Other than that, a blast.

Blogger Shannon said...

Hey! THat's the same thermometer I see on the way to LA!

Just kidding. I like Baker. It's the gateway to Death Valley, home of the world's largest thermometer. What's not to love? I always stop at the Mad Greek for my restroom and strawberry shake needs. All else, including Barstow should be avoided.

Last time, I drove through the temp was 128 F. Holy fuck. That was hot.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I haven't been through Baker in like 15 years, damn. The giant thermometer is better than the 100ft tall cross in between Chicago and Carbondale (in Southern IL). I always get shivers on that drive.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Aaaahhhh ... you're always the gentleman. I don't know if I could've resisted watching people walk in only to gag and run out. But then again, I'm sick like that.

Blogger Kris said...

My weekend involved a drunk elf who looked very much like Rachel Dratch, meeting the Gorton's fisherman, and my contacts in a Strawberry Shortcake cup. Pretty routine.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

The last time I stopped in Baker for its $4 a gallon gas I had a wee look around. The town consists of about 50 trailer parks and the gas station strip (I make this blatant assumption from the view off the highway). When I asked the girl in the gas station how many kids were at her school she said some insane number like 300 for K-12...
Then she tells me she is moving to MY town to go to school... My town is a piece of crap that people drive through on their way to a better place.
Still a step up from Baker though..

Blogger Claudia said...



I so would have pissed in the sink. Way to go.

Blogger Egan said...

San Diego is expensive?

Blogger Jo said...

You did remember to wash your shoes off before you trampled all over your house, right?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

How did you wash your hands?

Blogger yournamehere said...

if a 6'6" stranger walked up to you at a public restroom and asked if you had a gymnastics background, wouldn't you break out the mace?

our seperation pains me.

I thank god every day I don't live in Baker. Ugh.
Crunk? Was Lil' Jon involved?

there should be a health inspector for those places. That gas station should have been fined.

I would never soil Amie's washer. I did puke in a garbage can at the practice space of her husband's band.

it's cold everywhere, isn't it? Well, not San Diego.

I've heard good things about the Mad Greek, but I don't want to live in a city that boasts of being the Gateway to Death Valley.

Does the giant cross tell the current temperature in hell?

Blogger yournamehere said...

yeah, I just couldn't do it to them. It was just wretched.

it probably was Rachel Dratch. The fact that I know who she is indicates I spend many a Saturday evening alone.

not a lot going on in Baker, except for the aforementioned Mad Greek.

So you're the elusive acrobat?

I can barely afford to live in Las Vegas.

my brother is a germophobe, so he bought sterile antiseptic towellettes at the gas station and we all washed our hands and wiped our feet with them.

see above reply.

Blogger Cheska said...

I literally gagged when I read "someone took a shit on top of someone else's shit." What kind of a person would do that? I'm still gagging...

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I started to leave a comment earlier about how my weekend was, but you I don't think anyone should be subjected to it, so.....

I went to a Giant's game last year with my pops. They sell sushi at SBC ballpark. And not the kind you see pre-made in 7-11, real sushi made by sushi chefs. It's just all wrong. Baseball is about beer and cheep hotdogs. I also got into a verbal argument with these two bitchy men who were trying to one up each other with their realty investments. I told one of them to sod off, the other laughed, and my poor dad was sitting on the other side asking me what kind of shit I was starting. That is why I like the A's, that shit never happens to me at A's games.

Blogger megan said...

hm.. my weekend was full of kegs, liquor, and slippery roads: (now i have bruises all over my body) a nice way to kick off a week full of exams. yay.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Friday I bought an Xbox 360, played it until the wee small hours. Got up Saturday and played on my Xbox all day. Went to bed in the wee small hours. Sunday, got up, played on Xbox all day, drove to friends house, then drove 60 miles to Birmingham, saw the Foo Fighters, drove home, dropped of friends went to bed in the wee small hours. Overslept, dropped daughter off at school, late for work.

Blogger The real me said...

The next time my husband neglects or complains about cleaning the toilet, I will have him read this post. Absolutely, unequivocably the grossest description of something I've ever read.

And you've posted some pretty damn gross things here.

Blogger FRITZ said...

There are so many remarkable aspects to this story that I dare not elucidate further upon them...
...except that I do pee in the shower. It's a fucking reflex, I can't help it.

Also: what sent me rollicking on the floor,cusping bladder like swollen g-tube feeder....
"O, Christ on a mo-ped..."

I will use this, YourName, and I will source it.
"There's this guy,on the Internet, and he says it. So it's his, really. I can't claim it..."

Blogger yournamehere said...

if you gagged reading it, imagine having to look at it and smell it.

I didn't see suishi, but I'm sure it was there. Normally, I'd agree with you. I have a horrible weakness for ballbark food: I love hot dogs, nachos, peanuts, giant soft pretzels, etc. But I'm on a diet, so I'm glad they had a quality turkey sandwich available.

oh, to be young and bruise-covered again.

so, you like the xbox 360, huh?

I've posted gross things before?

your love of the Pixies has prompted me to declare my love for you on ubermilf's blog, so I would be honored if you quote me.

Blogger Calzone said...

I pee in the shower, but only in shampoo bottles.

Blogger Calzone said...

Oh....and I even liked Bossa Nova.

Take me.

Blogger Egan said...

So I guess this means San Diego is hella expensive then. Hey, I love your gross posts.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I only like Pixies when they have a fresh amount of dust on their wings...that way, I can feel like I'm ingesting something pretty and getting high at the same time...

...My God. Where Is My Mind?

Blogger Calzone said...

your head will collapse cuz there's nothing in it

Blogger yournamehere said...

You liked Bossa Nova? I just lost my erection.

thanks. Yes, I believe San Diego to be expensive.

oh, a Pixies reference at the end. You tease me so.

always the charmer.

Nope, I'd do an exhibition.

Blogger The real me said...

Gross would be a gross understatement.

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