What They Say. What They Mean.

Many years on this earth (some would say too many) have taught me a valuable lesson: How to sift through bullshit. I usually know the difference between what someone says and what they mean. Here are a few examples of my awesome powers.

What a woman says to a male acquaintance: "You're such a good friend."
What she means: "I don't mind hanging out, but I'd rather drag my vagina across hot coals than actually sleep with you."

What a guy says when he wants to break up with his girlfriend: "It's not you, it's me."
What he means: "It's not you or me; it's those other women I'm banging."

What a boss says to an employee: "I'll take that under advisement."
What he means: "Get out of my face, you low-wage pissant. If I want the opinion of an unskilled laborer, I'd try to translate the bitter ramblings of Lupa, the illegal immigrant who cleans the office."

What George W. Bush says: "God bless America."
What he means: "Go fuck yourselves, you non-father-was-once-President-havin' cocksuckers."

What Mike Tyson says: "I'm going to eat his children."
What he means: "Seriously, I'm going to eat his children."

What parents say to their child: "You're old enough to know the truth. There is no Santa Claus."
What they mean: "Also, god is dead; the stork didn't bring you, daddy stuck his whatzit into mommy's hoo-hah; true love is a lie; the Beatles are overrated; all of your heroes are whores; your bosses will all be dumber than you; your Uncle Tony is now your Aunt Toni; the pretty ones will always break your heart; mediocrity is rewarded handsomely; you aren't nearly as smart, good looking, or interesting as your immediate family has led you to believe; if you don't conform, society will crush you; and your grandfather is a hopeless pedophile."