Wednesday, December 07, 2005
What They Say. What They Mean.
Many years on this earth (some would say too many) have taught me a valuable lesson: How to sift through bullshit. I usually know the difference between what someone says and what they mean. Here are a few examples of my awesome powers.

What a woman says to a male acquaintance: "You're such a good friend."
What she means: "I don't mind hanging out, but I'd rather drag my vagina across hot coals than actually sleep with you."

What a guy says when he wants to break up with his girlfriend: "It's not you, it's me."
What he means: "It's not you or me; it's those other women I'm banging."

What a boss says to an employee: "I'll take that under advisement."
What he means: "Get out of my face, you low-wage pissant. If I want the opinion of an unskilled laborer, I'd try to translate the bitter ramblings of Lupa, the illegal immigrant who cleans the office."

What George W. Bush says: "God bless America."
What he means: "Go fuck yourselves, you non-father-was-once-President-havin' cocksuckers."

What Mike Tyson says: "I'm going to eat his children."
What he means: "Seriously, I'm going to eat his children."

What parents say to their child: "You're old enough to know the truth. There is no Santa Claus."
What they mean: "Also, god is dead; the stork didn't bring you, daddy stuck his whatzit into mommy's hoo-hah; true love is a lie; the Beatles are overrated; all of your heroes are whores; your bosses will all be dumber than you; your Uncle Tony is now your Aunt Toni; the pretty ones will always break your heart; mediocrity is rewarded handsomely; you aren't nearly as smart, good looking, or interesting as your immediate family has led you to believe; if you don't conform, society will crush you; and your grandfather is a hopeless pedophile."


33 Comments:

Blogger Egan said...

What does "I have lots of male friends" mean then Todd?

Is it the same as someone that says, "I know lots of gay people"? Just curious what the cherriest blogger in the universe thinks.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I think Dumbya also does that little chuckle and then rubs his hands maniacally.

Blogger Jo said...

What does is mean when a female blogger says to a male blogger, "I thought of you today while sucking golf balls through my garden hose"?

Blogger JJ said...

Brilliant.

Blogger The real me said...

THERE'S NO SANTA??!

WHAT????????!!!!!!!!!!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

So, are you saying I'm ugly, or heartless?

Blogger Rachel said...

There's that holiday spirit I know and love!

;)


Lovin' you!

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

I'm worse than my family led me to believe? But, they tried so hard.

Blogger Crystal said...

God bless us, every one.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

When I say: "Can't wait to see you at Christmas", I mean: "Move your ass back to Kentucky so we can track down Willie and drink his bourbon with him".

Blogger MsHellion said...

Tango, I bet if we each stake out a distillery on Chrsitmas Eve, we're bound to snag him! Dibs on Woodford Reserve!

Blogger Claudia said...

Mommy, Daddy--noooooooooooo!!!!
Great, thanks alot-You ruined Christmas!!LOL. You're f*kng hilarious, dude..Woot woot!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Late shift today, so I'm answering comments in the morning. Woo.
egan,
"I have lots of male friends" can mean two things. One: She likes beer and sports and honestly does have a lot of male friends. Two: She really means, "I'm hoping at least one of them will be able to satisfy me sexually."

wun,
kind of like Mr. Burns.

jo,
it means the already frustrated male blogger is going to have a hard time focusing on work today.

jj,
What a fellow blogger says: "Brilliant."
What he means: "It amazes me when a lower lifeform strings together a few sentences."

real,
everyone has their Santa during the holidays. Mine is bourbon-laced eggnog.

ubie,
I'm beginning to think we're alot alike. I also personalize people's silly jokes. You are lovely and heart-abundant, of course.

Blogger yournamehere said...

rachel,
I'm a modern-day Johnny Appleseed, spreading cheer wherever I go.
Totally lovin' you!

owl,
it all depends on the family. Some try too hard.

cano'worms,
The Ghost of Christmas Future is scheduled to visit tonight. There'd better not be a basketball game on.

amie,
that's so sweet. We'd have to drink his shitty bourbon, but it would be worth it, huh?

mshellion,
I hate to disappoint everyone who thinks I'm a degenerate alcoholic, but I'll probably be eating honeybaked ham at my mom's house on Christmas Eve.

Claudia,
you are too kind. My parents never ruined Christmas, but once my dad came home early and ruined "Pay the babysitter to take off her top and do the hustle" day.

Blogger Dan-E said...

fuck santa, the beatles are overrated?!?!?!?! noooo!!!

Blogger The real me said...

Honeybaked ham!
Memories of Christmas eve at grandma's house...
I miss her... she's dead.

Can I get anymore depressed?

Blogger MsHellion said...

I meant that we could catch Willie Nelson, not you, bud.

You have to come to my house on x-mas day. Miss H is making egg nog of the gods.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Todd - how did you know that's what women mean when we say "I have lots of male friends?" Dammit, you are blowing all the mystery away.

Blogger katarina said...

That's harsh.
I need a drink now.

Blogger wmy said...

What does it mean when your boss says "Your the only one I trust with this information" and then tells you "The company is not doing so well and some people will be let go...dont tell anyone k" I of course think it means that my job will be absolutely safe...thats what you think too right???????????? please please please

Blogger Sam said...

I love you, man. Rarely do I laugh hysterically when I read blogs, but the "there's no Santa" one slayed me. Especially the grandpa's a pedophile part. Beautiful.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Funny how storks and Santa always seem to culminate into pedophilia.
Quite laugheriffous.

Enjoyed.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

You're so right.

I have been poisoning my daughter against celebrities, work and politicians since the day she could talk. She is now the most cynical left wing 6 year old you could hope to meet. That's what I love about having kids - I can teach them to hate what I hate.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

Exactly

Excellent ::steepling fingers::

Blogger tango jellybean said...

mshellion, Woodford is right down the street from me...I'm there if you are!

"Your grandfather is a hopeless pedophile."

Such the great payoff to that whole post. It was all good, but saving that line until the end pushed it right over into stellar.

Good call.

I'm going to drag my vagina over some hot coals now.

Blogger Lulu said...

My grandpa is a pedophile?

Blogger yournamehere said...

dan,
a tad overrated, yes.

real,
if you're in Louisville, Ky on Christmas Day you can spend it with my family. So yes, you could be more depressed.

mshellion,
I don't know if I can do Christmas Day. How about C-Eve?

brooke,
I've heard every female euphemism for "I think you're ugly."

kat,
drink some eggnog for a little holiday cheer.

wmy,
I'd start checking the want-ads, babe.

Blogger yournamehere said...

sam,
senile pedophiles are hilarious.

fritz,
I like the word "laugheriffous".

bob,
good for you. Too bad she won't be able to vote in American elections.

wun,
I can see him saying "Advantage: Bush."

amie,
and I still hate Lexington. Amazing.

andi,
wow, women usually meet me before they decide to drag their vagina over hot coals. You made that decision just from reading my blog.

lipstick,
no, just the imaginary grandpa from the post.

LOL, you know I lurv ya.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I learned that the second one was true during my last relationship.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
I know. I lurv you, too.

pants,
well, that guy was a moron. He chose a bunch of ordinary people over one special person. His loss.

Blogger Steph said...

That is comedy GOLD! I'm emailing it to all my friends. Thanks for the laughs.

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