Tuesday, November 29, 2005
If Men Ruled the Social World
It is true that, through brute force and centuries of oppression, men rule the worlds of business and politics. I'll let someone else debate whether or not that's why the planet's so fucked up, but one thing is certain: Women run the social world, because they control the supply of vagina. But what would happen if men ruled the social world? Here's a brief glimpse into that nirvana.

The scene: Two women are talking at a bar.

"Shit, I can't believe what I just did."

"What?"

"I accepted a drink from a guy."

"You're fucking kidding, right?"

"No, he bought me a drink, and I took it."

"You have to sleep with him now, you know."

"Yeah, I know."

"You have to. Rules are rules. You knew them going in."

"Thanks for the lecture; I know. I was thirsty. It was top shelf. I wasn't...thinking."

"Which guy was it?"

"See the guy at the end of the bar?"

"Oooh, the one in the Armani suit?"

"I wish. The one next to him."

"The five-hundred pound guy wearing sweat pants and an oversized novelty sombrero?"

"That's my new lover."

"He could be nice and waive the rule."

"No chance. He already bought a condom from a vending machine in the men's room."

"Yeah, those are reliable."

They are joined by another girlfriend. "What's up?"

"Dana accepted a drink from some guy."

"You dumb bitch; now you have to fuck him. Is he at least hot?"

"That's him over there, the guy as big as a planet."

"Yeah, the planet DanaBang. Girl, we all fuck up. Earlier, some dude asked me to dance, and I said yes, so I had to stand there with a smile on my face and let him grind his tiny erection into my ass-cheek, 'cause hey, rules are rules; but at least I don't have to let him penetrate me."

"From this moment forward, as God is my witness, I shan't drink again."



29 Comments:

Blogger Rachel said...

LMAO!!!!


This is part of why I love you.

Rules are rules I guess, but what happens if I buy YOU a drink?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

If men ruled the social world I would stop drinking.

Blogger The real me said...

But Todd... this really IS what happens in conversations between women in bars across the nation... didn't you know that?

Blogger Kris said...

MP and I are drinking at the same bar.

Blogger Übermilf said...

This exchange is not encouraging me to visit Vegas.

Blogger Blonde said...

Toddy,

I always take drinks from men and they never get a whiff of this. I wasn't aware that was a rule. Is that a Vegas thing? Or were you sitting at the hooker section of the bar?

Pussy does rule the world AND effects business. Look at what Monica Lewinsky's pussy turned out politcal empire inside out. Who would have thunk that?!?!?!

Blogger n.v. said...

Toddly, you are the guy in the Armani suit. Heart.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

In this world, the Dance Floor Dry Humper would conquer like Germany into France.

Blogger yournamehere said...

rachel,
if you buy the drink, you call the shots.

pants,
or you could just buy your own drinks.

real,
I KNEW IT!

kris,
Bring your wallet.

ubie,
but since women do control the social world, this exchange will never happen.

blonde,
it would only be a rule if men ruled the social world, which of course they don't, hence the title of the post.

dena,
I tried to buy an Armani suit at the Big and Tall section at Dillard's, but no dice.

joint,
he would grind to his heart's content.

haha, omfg, in college a bunch of us sorority broads were at the Beach of all places (because we couldn't use our craptacular fake IDs anywhere else) and this guy buys my friend a drink. "Eww, now I have to dance with him"

Me: "Why?"

Sister-friend: "Duh, that's what you're supposed to do."

Me: "Nuh-uh, nobody forced him to buy you a drink. You didn't sign a fuckin' contract."

SF: "You are so inept, you have no idea how this works...I have to dance with him if I want them to KEEP coming."

The next morning I get a call from a very hungover sister-friend. She was just being dropped off at home by the drink buyer who got her wasted and took her home.

SF: "Gross, totally don't tell anyone, k?"

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
wow, I guess that does work for some people.

I think it's hilarious that she called you inept, but she ended up banging someone she didn't even want to dance with. Ha Ha.

The irony, right?

Blogger wmy said...

hahahahah...I just about pissed myself...again...I have decided to start wearing depends when I read your blog!!!

Blogger Egan said...

I bought my wife a drink and then I had to marry her. Yep, women rule the social world alright.

Blogger katarina said...

When you come to Amishtown and a man buys you a drink, you have to marry them, have their children, bath him everynight and wipe his ass for him.

Blogger JJ said...

Wait, those aren't the rules? I am done buying drinks for women, I can guaran-damn-tee you that.

Blogger Sindy said...

I just wanna rule something.. doesnt even have to be the world.. just a small town... Then the drinks would be free.. and so would the sex.

Blogger Monkey said...

I too have heard this conversation between two women already. Is the apocolypse nigh? Shall I build my shelter now?

Blogger Onyx said...

I think those are the rules. You're just forgetting one thing, it's not the drink you buy her, it's the amount of drinks.

Blogger The real me said...

Egan, I'm sure your arm was twisted right off when you had to marry her... (insert loads of sarcasm)

Todd, If men ruled the world, you wouldn't even BE at the bar... you'd all just want someone to serve you beer and chips while watching porn.

That is a horrible suggestion. This blog represents all I hate about today's society. Mister blog writer, do you even hold a steady job?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm never going out again. Wait, a minute...I never go out now.

Crap.

Blogger Calzone said...

One time a buddy of mine saw a twenty under a chick's bar stool, snagged it and proceeded to buy her booze with her own money.

Dude even kept saying stuff like "I'm in right?? Me and you, we are hanging out now right"?

he was a God that night.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
that's irony you can spread on toast.

wmy,
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

egan,
but aren't you glad it's that way, really?

kat,
if you ever see a tall man with an obviously fake beard trolling through Amishtown, you know it's me looking for an ass wiper.

jj,
wise choice, my friend.

sindy,
when you rule this small town, I'll be moving there.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey,
your shelter shall be useless against the onslaught.

onyx,
oh, the old quantity over quality thing.

real,
no, I'm pathetic, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather have sex than just watch others have sex.

mary worth,
thanks for the kind words.

brooke,
you should go out. It slightly beats not going out.

calzone,
I bought girls drinks on a free bar tab I had (long story). I had them doing body shots off each other. They thought I had money. HAHAHAHAHA.

Blogger Egan said...

I don't mind in all honesty.

Blogger MOON said...
Blogger 新年快樂 said...
Blogger 新年快樂 said...

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