Friday, November 18, 2005
I May Have to Reconsider This Whole 'Jessica Alba' Thing


Ladies and gents, this is Scarlett Johansson, also known as Scar Jo to the hip kids (and dirty old men). No, I haven't just discovered her. I've admired her ever since Ghost World a few years ago. Only recently, however, have I been seriously thinking of making her the official object of my harmless yet pukingly pathetic 'dateless middle-aged guy' obsession.

This may come as quite the revelation to some of you, but I have this thing for Jessica Alba. I know, you wouldn't suspect a thing from reading this blog, but I kind of think she's sorta hot.

But sweet buddha, Scarlett is hot, too! I mean, just look at her. Okay, stop looking, I'm not done yet, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! And this is going to make me seem even lamer than usual, but I'm pretty sure she's smarter than Jessica. Jess is no mensa candidate. And Scar Jo is such a better actress who makes MUCH better films. With the exception of Sin City and a guest spot on Entourage, I've never watched a Jessica Alba performance with the sound on. Seriously, I listen to music and bask in the soothing glow of her physical perfection. With Scarlett, I can expel my lust-drool and still enjoy the movie. It's quite a dilemma, this whole "which gorgeous Hollywood starlet who would grimace in disgust if she saw me on the street and wouldn't fuck me if she just got bitten by a snake and my cock was a licensed antidote dispenser should I dream about to keep me from jumping off the observation deck of the Stratosphere" decision. Everytime I think Ms. Johansson's a lock, my natural affinity for dark hair and olive skin brings me right back to Jessica.

How about this: Recreational lesbianism between Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and my favorite blogger fantasy, Princess Steph? That's a nice compromise.

Note: I wouldn't have mentioned Steph if I didn't seriously believe she can take a joke. She's very cool.



27 Comments:

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

That's a serious dilemma you're in there, Todd. Personally, I'm with Scar. I like my girls with something between the ears. However, the fantsy lesbianism would be quite nice.

I loved Ghost World, by the way.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Or, you could keep Scarlett for now and hold out for a new Meditearanean (sp?) beauty with a brain.

Blogger Blonde said...

I would have a threesome with Jessica Alba and Scar Jo :).

You should have asked me...

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I don't get Jessica Alba. Well, I get her, I just don't GET her. On the other hand, Scarlett Johansson, I totally get.

Blogger All Things Dave said...

It's not right to treat women as sex objects.

Now go dust something and make me a sandwich! :-)

Blogger yournamehere said...

wuneye,
Scar Jo was hot in Ghost World, in a "neo-alterna, post-post-grunge, possibly underaged" kind of way.

ubie,
all joking aside, all I want is someone smart and funny (and not "Dilbert" funny, actually funny) to put up with some of my shit but not let me get away with being a complete bastard.

blonde,
dammit, you always say you're not into chicks. Seriously, if you ever kissed a girl in front of me my heart would stop. They'd have to cart me away.

ms. pants,
so, when you're in Vegas for your birthday, I'll have Scar put on a show for you.

dave,
I only treat women as sex objects when they present themselves as such. Or when I'm horny.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

You were scaring me for a second. I thought I was going to have to send out the hitmen to take you out for coveting someone other than Jessica. It's okay to covet Steph because she's funny.

Blogger Blonde said...

When did I say I wasn't into chicks? I just prefer dick.

I would kiss a girl in front of you if that is what you like :).

Blogger Brookelina said...

Move to Utah. Marry them all. Jessica can have sex with you, Scarlett can peel you grapes, and Steph can make you laugh.

Then just rotate the schedule on a nightly basis.

Blogger MsHellion said...

No more bourbon and coke though...crazy ass Mormon "rules."

Blogger Claudia said...

Scarlett all the way. She's hot and talented. I'd switch teams for her!

Blogger yournamehere said...

evil,
steph is funny, yes; but it really isn't her sense of humor that I covet.

blonde,
all joking aside, you don't have to kiss anyone, babe. I'm looking forward to having a drink with you.

brooke,
I'd rather stay here and not get married, but it's sweet that you're thinking of my best interests.

mshellion,
yeah, I'm avoiding Utah like R. Kelly avoids girls who've gotten their pubes.

claudia,
if you ever switch teams, I'll be happy to be your coach. Ha.

Blogger wmy said...

I think we are related...haaa...I just read the white trash story from your archives...the one about the cousin who abandoned her kids...I have a sister, ( I like to refer to her as crackwhore)who up and left her demon spawn with my mom and crackwhore pops into town every now then to try and fuck the kids up a little more...God I love that girl...she really makes us all soooo proud ya know?

Blogger Ruben said...

Yeah! She's cute , now go out and pursue her until the body guards and restraining orders go into action.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I am always thinking of your best interests babe. Don't you fucking forget it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

wmy,
when I tried to respond to your blog, it said only members of your blog group could comment. If you want comments, you should change that.

ruben,
no thanks. I'll worship her from afar.

brooke,
I love it when you talk dirty.

Blogger katarina said...

I'd go for Scarlett. I love when women have such healthy skin tht glows so much you can see your reflection. You can watch yourself doing her.

Blogger Egan said...

Scarlett is totally on my list Todd. Nice choice.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

What egan said. She's what we call "well fit"

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
I wouldn't want to ruin the experience by seeing myself. Ugh.

egan,
I am mesmerized by her.

bob,
The English have such an eloquent way of saying "I'd like to fuck her senseless."

Blogger Kris said...

I don't even know you anymore.

She's no Chris Mihm.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kris,
no, really, I'm the same lonely pervert you've come to know and tolerate.

shaken,
True, her low post defense could use some work.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

dude, I am so totally in. set it up my man, set it up.

Blogger yournamehere said...

steph,
in my head it already happened. You were great, by the way.

Blogger dottcomments said...

Ok. I've added her to my list too.

- not recreational.

Blogger poet1b said...

I'm in the same boat with you on this one. I can't decide who is the hottest babe on the planet, Scarlett or Jessica. Thora Birch is up there in my book as well, yeah I bought the dvd. And I really wish that Lindsy Lohan would gain some weight and bring back those tits. I'm not sure if Scarlet is any smart than Jessica, she just gets cast in more artsy movies.

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