Ladies and gents, this is Scarlett Johansson, also known as Scar Jo to the hip kids (and dirty old men). No, I haven't just discovered her. I've admired her ever since Ghost World a few years ago. Only recently, however, have I been seriously thinking of making her the official object of my harmless yet pukingly pathetic 'dateless middle-aged guy' obsession.
This may come as quite the revelation to some of you, but I have this thing for Jessica Alba. I know, you wouldn't suspect a thing from reading this blog, but I kind of think she's sorta hot.
But sweet buddha, Scarlett is hot, too! I mean, just look at her. Okay, stop looking, I'm not done yet, PAY ATTENTION TO ME! And this is going to make me seem even lamer than usual, but I'm pretty sure she's smarter than Jessica. Jess is no mensa candidate. And Scar Jo is such a better actress who makes MUCH better films. With the exception of Sin City and a guest spot on Entourage, I've never watched a Jessica Alba performance with the sound on. Seriously, I listen to music and bask in the soothing glow of her physical perfection. With Scarlett, I can expel my lust-drool and still enjoy the movie. It's quite a dilemma, this whole "which gorgeous Hollywood starlet who would grimace in disgust if she saw me on the street and wouldn't fuck me if she just got bitten by a snake and my cock was a licensed antidote dispenser should I dream about to keep me from jumping off the observation deck of the Stratosphere" decision. Everytime I think Ms. Johansson's a lock, my natural affinity for dark hair and olive skin brings me right back to Jessica.
How about this: Recreational lesbianism between Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and my favorite blogger fantasy, Princess Steph? That's a nice compromise.
Note: I wouldn't have mentioned Steph if I didn't seriously believe she can take a joke. She's very cool.