Tuesday, November 15, 2005
When Public Nudity Goes Bad/Pseudo-Celebrities Tinkle, Too
I'm normally a fan of public nudity, be it on the Strip, at Mardi Gras, at a concert; wherever girls have access to liquor, basically. Some people, however, shouldn't be showing the goods. I, for example, keep it on, and have been recognized by the city of Las Vegas for my efforts. Mayor Oscar Goodman himself sent me an accommodation. He signed it, "Way to keep it on, fat boy. Yours, Oscar." The certificate was even dotted by tiny drops of blood that dripped from his bulbous, alcoholic nose. I shall cherish it always.

Some people, sadly, aren't as considerate. I was at a dump-shit bar several years ago called the Yucatan Liquor Stand (yeah, I know), and a woman jumped up on a podium and lifted her skirt, revealing an unfortunate lack of undies. Some things are better left a mystery, folks. I actually saw a leprechaun spring forth from her hairy catcher's mitt. He ran up to me and said, "There's a Pot o' Chlamydia at the end of that rainbow," then ran screaming into the night.
The other day I was at my home away from home, The Green Valley Ranch casino, when nature called with a vengeance. I rushed to the bathroom, and as soon as I entered I saw a small, frail, feminine creature primping in front of the mirror. An immediate panic set in; I must have walked into the women's room by accident. I sort of freaked out, because they film the reality show American Casino at this place and all I need is for my mom to be watching The Travel Channel and see her son dragged from the ladies room by security. I quickly (well, quickly for me) turned around and was going to leave, but I saw urinals. Damn it all, I was in the right room after all.

That's when I realized who it was, the mysterious figure in the fuschia pants suit standing five feet away from me. It was Siegfried, of Siegfried and Roy fame. He hasn't done a show in over two years, but this man, looking like an anorexic Bea Arthur, still dresses like a float in a Gay Pride parade. I was actually much more frightened than when I thought he was a woman. I'm thinking Roy, who got his jugular ripped out of his throat by a rogue tiger, was the lucky one.

After that traumatic experience, urinating proved quite difficult. The sight of Siegfried's plastic face made "it" shrivel up to a stack of dimes and retreat inside me like a scared turtle. Ugh, for his next trick, he made my ability to hold down lunch disappear. For those of you unaware of who Siegfried is, I leave you with this photo.


Blogger Kris said...

I see you chose the picture of Siegfried estimating size for us . . .

Blogger Brookelina said...

This was a utter brilliance. I will now be going around blogland saying, "Did you read the one about Roy, the mayor, and the leprecaun?"

Beat ya Egan!

Blogger Brookelina said...


Blogger Egan said...

Suddenly my bowl of Lucky Charms just lost its appeal and the song Private Dancer crept in my head. I am fucked after this story Todd. Thanks for sharing though. Great stuff as usual.

Damn you Brooke!

Blogger Egan said...

... damn you Brooke because I alert you the comedic master, Todd, has a new post and you comment before me. Curses, foiled again.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I am sore and sad and cranky.

That woman should've used the leprechaun-safe hair net on her nether regions if she plans on running around in public like that.

I'm sorry you had to see Siegfried. I'm even sorrier if the restroom had flourescent lighting.

He's not aging well; he's what my friend used to call a "raisin"-- a dried up old fruit.

Blogger yournamehere said...

the size of his prostate, perhaps.

the leprechaun smelled like death.

that little green son of a bitch wasn't saying "magically delicious", that's for sure.

Siegie's seen better days. Nether regions, ha.

Blogger The real me said...

looking like an anorexic Bea Arthur, still dresses like a float in a Gay Pride parade

Too funny!
Maybe next time I'm in vegas I'll run into Celine Dion in the bathroom... she's got the anorexic part down!

Blogger Egan said...

The Real Me - Does Celine have any desirable traits? She speaks French which I happen to think is cool, but after that she sucks as bad as Lohan. At least Lohan is much easier on the eyes.

Blogger Crystal said...

Nudity on old people is just BAD! And Siegfried is another example of a celeb who has went overboard with plastic surgery, and it looks especially disturbing on a man. Burt Reynolds looks positively Chinese these days, his skin is drum tight!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Hey! I saw that same lady let a leprechaun free on the sidewalk in front of a liquor store in downtown Sacramento.

Blogger Monkey said...

The leprechaun haven woman obviously needed shovel justice, as does Paris Hilton. There are just too many things I don't want to see.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I think the only Vegas personality I want to run into is the Chopper from Towbin Dodge, but definitely not in the bathroom.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Please. Celine does pee where normal people pee.

you might want to reconsider this whole French thing. I'm glad I don't have a cunt, or an irate Frenchman would threaten to use a guillotine (sp?) on it.

Siegfried is like Robo-has-been. There's none of him left.

I always tell the ladies, "If you love your leprechaun, set him free."

paris hilton is vapid, but her hoo-ha is a work of art compared to the five miles of bad road that girl had.

I'd like to run into Chopper with one of his stupid five-dvd player, no air conditioner cars.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You said hoo hah.


Blogger Monkey said...

That Todd said "Hoo Hah" is just one of the many reasons I adore him.

Blogger Rachel said...

Darlin' you make me laugh like no other. Just for the record I sorta kept it all covered on my vacation ;)

Lovin' you!

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I'm somewhat horrified at the thought of a Pot o' chlamydia. I wonder if Siegie has one of those, too? Wouldn't surprise me.

Blogger yournamehere said...

You're giggling like a schoolgirl. Cool.

I adore you because you eat insects off the fur of your friends.

welcome back. YOU don't have to keep it covered. You know I'm lovin' you back.

Yes, the chlamydia pot scared the shit out of me, too.

Blogger Blonde said...

Thanks for the laugh as always.

If I notice your manhood shrink up to a roll of dimes when we meet, then I know you think I look like Roy...or Bea Arthur.

Blogger Blonde said...

Worse yet, it was Siegfried that you saw.

Yeah,I am a blonde...

Blogger yournamehere said...

if it shrinks up like that when I meet you, it means I'm dying. Please rush me to the hospital.

Blogger The real me said...

Egan, the only redeeming quality about her is her voice. Say what you want about her overused insincere display, placing hand over heart as she lowers her head while looking very humble and saying "Merci... merci..."
she can sing better than anyone.

Todd, I highly doubt she pees where us common folk pee. With all her money, she's probably got a golden throne and someone to wipe her so she doesn't soil her pristineness.

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