Saturday, November 05, 2005
The only way I'd wear a mullet
Being from the South means you can never wear an ironic mullet. I'm a big cornfed guy from the South, so whenever my hair starts to get a little long in the back I almost have a panic attack. If I'm broke, I'll sell bone marrow to have enough money to get my hair cut. I won't have a mullet, by god.

However, if I had been a little more motivated (and a lot smarter) and became a heart surgeon, I would have a rich, flowing, Cyrusesque mullet. I'd spend hours each morning feathering out the ends, just for the awkward encounters with the people I was about to cut open.

"Hi, folks. I'm Dr. Pharris. I'll be performing the quadruple bypass on you, Mr. Jones." For added effect, I'd exaggerate my Southern accent until I sounded like a cross between Foghorn Leghorn and Cletus the slack-jawed yokel.

The patient would stare at first, and finally speak up. "You're the doctor?"

"First in my class at Johns-Hopkins."

"You have a mullet."

"I'm sorry," I'd say. "I'm not familiar with that term."

He'd look at me incredulously. "Mullet...you know, 'business up top, party in the back.'"

"Is this a come-on, sir? I'm happily married to Jessica Alba and Eva Mendes." (A boy can dream.)

He'd become angry. "Your hair. I'm talking about your hair."

"You like it? It cost me $100 at Euphoria."

"You paid a hundred bucks to look like that?"

"Enough chit-chat. Time for me to saw through your chest plate and fiddle with your ticker."

After that he'd run screaming into the night. I'd go home to Jessica, Eva, and a glass of bourbon.

For that, I'd sport a mullet, baby.


28 Comments:

"Fiddle with yer ticker."

hehehehehehehe

You'd have to tell people you got it done at Amp, they'd be far more impressed.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
A mulleted surgeon would be great. I wanted to be a fat guy who wrote a weight loss book, but Dr. Phil beat me to it.

shaken,
I usually go to a place called Hair Hut or something. What do I care; you can't polish a turd.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

A friend of mine went to Supercuts once. I say once because he never went back again as his head looked like it had been attacked with a beard trimmer by an escaped mental patient.

Would, as a doctor, you be wearing a hospital issued "wife beater" as well.

Previous comment deleted due to a fantsical amount of typos.

Todd, have you been drinking?

Blogger Egan said...

Supercuts isn't cool? Shitballs.

Todd, that Dr. Phil stuff is so true. I bet his kids are so messed up too. Oh wait, they are also shrinks.

Blogger aughra said...

Brilliant. And I'm sure Eva and Jessica would appreciate your hair.

Blogger MoDigli said...

So, is this a daydream or something you ACTUALLY dreamed of while sleeping?!

How do you come up with this stuff?

(And yes, I still visit you YNH! You're still one of my fave bloggers!)

Blogger Brookelina said...

And then you could show him the Ballcock Coupling Nut that you use to satisfy your wives. Or that you'll be inserting into his body during surgery. Whichever.

Blogger yournamehere said...

bob,
I'd have to wear scrubs during actual surgery, but yes, wifebeater for consultations.

shaken,
I wish I could blame this on alcohol, but no, I was sober; and by 2:58am when you commented, I was fast asleep.

egan,
Dr. Phil is a tool.

aughra,
they would run their hands through my hair constantly, maybe even when I operated.

mo,
I thought of this while wide awake. Sad, huh?

brooke,
the BCCN will be for my lovely wives only. And their hot actress friends they bring home. And good looking nurses.

Blogger lily b said...

What do I care; you can't polish a turd.

Maybe not, but you can add glitter. Which, come to think of it, explains a lot of celebrities.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think you should add beads to the end, like Bo Derek.

Blogger Kris said...

I'm no Alba, but once again, a post that makes me want to make out with you.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

"Cyrusesque"

HA HA the most famous mullet of all time!

Blogger Ruben said...

Don't be ashamed of your hairstyle choices. I once wore a jerry curl in the early 90's abot 10 years after the hairstyle had died. Now that takes balls.

Blogger yournamehere said...

lily,
adding glitter to a turd also explains Las Vegas.

ubie,
you would be my mullet advisor.

kris,
make out with me? That may be the wine talking. Your posts make me want to dance with you and grope you inappropriately.

molly,
he's is to mullets what OJ is to wife slaying.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ruben,
it takes balls and a lot of "Soul Glow".

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Polish a turd... I use that all the time!

Please grow the mullet before I come visit - I have a weakness for cornfed rednecks.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Soooooooooooooooooooooul Glow!

Blogger Crystal said...

I saw soooooo many mullets while in Spain last May, it is still very fashionable over on the other side of the Atlantic!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I used to have a mullet.

Blogger yournamehere said...

doggrrrl,
does your weakness lead to stripping and lap dances? If so, consider me a member of mullet-nation.

brooke,
just thinking about "Coming to America" makes me smile.

crystal,
In Spain they call it "el mullet", which is Spanish for "the mullet".

pants,
but that's in the past. No need to dwell on last week.

Blogger MoDigli said...

el mullet! ... bwa-hahahah!!!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Last week, ha ha.

Blogger Blonde said...

Vegas is the mullet mecca! Livia and I were like dogs in heat following the mullets around to take pics.

mullet surgeon would be classic!!!

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

I think a mulleted surgeon would be just as good as Patch Adams was wearing the clown nose. I would forget about my surgery and would instead be thinking "Oh do I wish I had a pair of scissors to chop that". And coming from Pittsburgh where Jagr made it cool to have a mullet at one time, I wouldn't be completely awe struck...sadly it's familiar to me!

Blogger yournamehere said...

mo,
I'm a cunning linguist.

pants,
damn you and your sarcastic "ha ha"; I was talking about Halloween, as far as you know.

blonde,
you and Livi in heat, huh? I'm really starting to like the mullet.

indie,
I would be so busy flirting with you I'd probably mess up the diagnosis. Good thing I'm not a doctor, I suppose.

I would rock a mullet under these conditions
1-the person i was with was wearing a 'home made' jean vest- i.e. a jean jacket that was much too small and they cut off the arms
2-i was beat on the head with a brick by Stevie Nicks,
3-before i walked into the hair dresser i saw a midget on stilts kick dennis rodman in the 'junk' and decided to go to super cuts instead
4. Everyone in Southie stopped snorting Oxycotin
5. I suddenly liked Tang
Any of these things come into play and I am all about the mullet

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