Monday, October 31, 2005
I Made a Mistake
When I first got high speed internet access, before I even knew the world of blogging existed, I did what every red blooded American manchild inevitably does: I went looking for free porn. Oh, the myth of free porn. It's the adult male version of believing in Santa Claus, really; only if Santa Claus brought crap to your house instead of what you asked for when you sat on a child molester's lap at the local mall and/or shopping center.

Free porn does not exist, my friends. Oh, I'm sure celebrities and millionaire industrialists have access to it, but for guys like me the pursuit of free porn only leads to heartache.

Back in February, as soon as the cable guy left from installing my high speed modem, I went to a "free porn" site. True to their word, I didn't have to give a credit card number, just my email address. All this site did was lead me to about a million places that charged by the month. The "free porn" was just a gateway to expensive porn. I was disappointed but not surprised, and went on with what some would generously call my "life".

But remember, I gave them my email address. They do not keep those to themselves, folks. They are like teenage girls who know someone with herpes: The information is being shared. Now every day I'm flooded with spam from bad overseas porn sites. This was the tag line from one I received the other day: "Oney of the mosty gorgeous honeyy turns body assy to youy and turnsy overy sluggishly pullsy off her wearing."

What?! Is this supposed to turn me on? Oh, I'm so aroused from reading that I can't turn a corner without giving myself an injury. Was this a come-on from the villain in an old Charlie Chan movie?

Also, I don't think the word "sluggishly" projects the correct amount of sexiness. It's not a favorite word of the romance novelists. You'll never read, "He threw her on the bed and sluggishly tore off her corset. It took several minutes, and by then her lust had waned."

And "pullsy off her wearing" sounds like something R. Kelly would say to describe a twelve-year-old girl slipping out of her jammies. Yeeech.

I've asked myself, "What would our Founding Fathers think about the right to free porn?" But then I remember that our FFs were slave owners who beat their wives at the slightest provocation, so fuck them.


Blogger MollyNormal said...

"They are like teenage girls who know someone with herpes: The information is being shared."

HA HA HA that is a good one. I've tried finding free porn too, with much the same results as you got.

The best way to get free porn is to somehow convince people who read your blog to send you naked pictures of themselves.

Good luck with that.

Blogger Nick said...

Does the word "sluggishly" project any amount of sexiness at all?

Blogger MsHellion said...

To slugs, yes.

Blogger n.v. said...

Sounds like a bad Russian translation. "She sluggishly polished his knob."

Blogger Chris said...

To the rohypnol users out there sluggish behaviour amounts to foreplay.

Blogger Mr Carson said...

Free porn is the internet version of the Holy Grail.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

The sluggish ones are easier to catch.

Blogger Egan said...

Yet the sluggish ones want 45 minutes of foreplay. Most guys just don't have that kind of time to commit to 45 minutes.

Molly, I love the convincing other bloggers to send you pictures. That's clever.

Blogger Monkey! said...

I found your blog through Erin's're absolutely hysterical (especially everything about Vegas). I live in L.A. myself but my bf lives in the landscaped hellpit that comprises Summerlin so I'm out and about witnessing the same madness you so eloquently end up writing about.

Anyhoo...I've been anonymously reading for a while...just wanted to give you a shoutout. I would link to you but I deleted my blog when I started working for Uncle Sam (used to be "monkeywearingchaps" on Erin's blog)

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

free porn = computer virus

Blogger JJ said...

There's no such thing as free porn? Wait... there's no such thing as SANTA CLAUS!!!

(exits weeping)

Blogger Princess Steph said...

mmmmmmmmm....... porn......

Blogger yournamehere said...

what sort of douchebag would ask his beloved readers to debase themselves for his amusement?

it makes me think of a snail-trail, so no.

good point.

I hate a sluggish knob-polish. Who am I kidding? I'll take it anyway I can get it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

they just have to guard against falling asleep.

mr. carson,
what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

c'mon, you never had to do any chasing.

sometimes you have to call in sick from work and make the time.

Blogger yournamehere said...

summerlin would only be as annoying as every other suburb, but they added 'roundabouts' which no American knows how to properly navigate. Sorry you don't have a blog anymore but feel free to comment anytime.

ms. pants,
sounds like a lady who's had "The Geek Squad" fix her computer a few times.

There's no crying. There's no crying in vegass.

I think a great porn would be film of you watching porn.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah man, what's with a ll the porno(esque) spam these days? I download my emails and it's 150 bizarre donkey/grandad/duct tape fetish site, something to make my dick bigger/smaller/whatever or some "investment" opportunity. Oh, and 1 "real" email from a friend/family member. Fuckers!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shall I be the only one to say it?
OK, I think I will....




Blogger yournamehere said...

I wouldn't invest a lot of money on that bill that makes dicks smaller.

well, it appears I have received my comeuppence. If fabulous babes such as yourself paid attention to me in the real world as opposed to the blog world, I wouldn't need porn.

Blogger Mr Carson said...

European or African?

Blogger Gwen said...

There is free porn without viruses, but it carries the randomized risk of seeing frightening, arousal-killing, bizarre Japanese porn every once in a while.

Case in point:

Blogger Sam said...

Don't those webcam sites = free porn? Or at least free mostly grossly unshaved chicks doing god knows what to themselves. Ew, nevermind.

Blogger Whitey said...

You people HAVE to be kidding. Free porn is all over the internet. I'll post links if I have to, dammit! Although, I'll admit it does depend on the grade of porn you're looking for. Free full-length pornos - no. But let's be realistic, no guy who is looking to jerk his shit needs more than a few minutes, anyways.

No one should ever have to pay for porn. It's the way God wanted it.

Blogger Crystal said...

You know, I think that porn is the reason why high-speed internet was invented.

Blogger Rip Avery said...

I agree that the search for free porn is typically a bitter and unsatisfying exercise in self flagellation; however, I have run across some cool stuff from time to time. It's that damned intermittent reinforcement which keeps me coming back like a gambling addict.

Blogger Cheska said...

i think this is an actual free porn site. I have actually downloaded full free movies (it may take a while, but it's totally worth it. also i haven't detected any viruses, so i think it's legit).

Blogger Me said...

Dude, He gives das hookup.

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