When I first got high speed internet access, before I even knew the world of blogging existed, I did what every red blooded American manchild inevitably does: I went looking for free porn. Oh, the myth of free porn. It's the adult male version of believing in Santa Claus, really; only if Santa Claus brought crap to your house instead of what you asked for when you sat on a child molester's lap at the local mall and/or shopping center.
Free porn does not exist, my friends. Oh, I'm sure celebrities and millionaire industrialists have access to it, but for guys like me the pursuit of free porn only leads to heartache.
Back in February, as soon as the cable guy left from installing my high speed modem, I went to a "free porn" site. True to their word, I didn't have to give a credit card number, just my email address. All this site did was lead me to about a million places that charged by the month. The "free porn" was just a gateway to expensive porn. I was disappointed but not surprised, and went on with what some would generously call my "life".
But remember, I gave them my email address. They do not keep those to themselves, folks. They are like teenage girls who know someone with herpes: The information is being shared. Now every day I'm flooded with spam from bad overseas porn sites. This was the tag line from one I received the other day: "Oney of the mosty gorgeous honeyy turns body assy to youy and turnsy overy sluggishly pullsy off her wearing."
What?! Is this supposed to turn me on? Oh, I'm so aroused from reading that I can't turn a corner without giving myself an injury. Was this a come-on from the villain in an old Charlie Chan movie?
Also, I don't think the word "sluggishly" projects the correct amount of sexiness. It's not a favorite word of the romance novelists. You'll never read, "He threw her on the bed and sluggishly tore off her corset. It took several minutes, and by then her lust had waned."
And "pullsy off her wearing" sounds like something R. Kelly would say to describe a twelve-year-old girl slipping out of her jammies. Yeeech.
I've asked myself, "What would our Founding Fathers think about the right to free porn?" But then I remember that our FFs were slave owners who beat their wives at the slightest provocation, so fuck them.
Free porn does not exist, my friends. Oh, I'm sure celebrities and millionaire industrialists have access to it, but for guys like me the pursuit of free porn only leads to heartache.
Back in February, as soon as the cable guy left from installing my high speed modem, I went to a "free porn" site. True to their word, I didn't have to give a credit card number, just my email address. All this site did was lead me to about a million places that charged by the month. The "free porn" was just a gateway to expensive porn. I was disappointed but not surprised, and went on with what some would generously call my "life".
But remember, I gave them my email address. They do not keep those to themselves, folks. They are like teenage girls who know someone with herpes: The information is being shared. Now every day I'm flooded with spam from bad overseas porn sites. This was the tag line from one I received the other day: "Oney of the mosty gorgeous honeyy turns body assy to youy and turnsy overy sluggishly pullsy off her wearing."
What?! Is this supposed to turn me on? Oh, I'm so aroused from reading that I can't turn a corner without giving myself an injury. Was this a come-on from the villain in an old Charlie Chan movie?
Also, I don't think the word "sluggishly" projects the correct amount of sexiness. It's not a favorite word of the romance novelists. You'll never read, "He threw her on the bed and sluggishly tore off her corset. It took several minutes, and by then her lust had waned."
And "pullsy off her wearing" sounds like something R. Kelly would say to describe a twelve-year-old girl slipping out of her jammies. Yeeech.
I've asked myself, "What would our Founding Fathers think about the right to free porn?" But then I remember that our FFs were slave owners who beat their wives at the slightest provocation, so fuck them.
20 Comments:
Does the word "sluggishly" project any amount of sexiness at all?
To slugs, yes.
Sounds like a bad Russian translation. "She sluggishly polished his knob."
To the rohypnol users out there sluggish behaviour amounts to foreplay.
The sluggish ones are easier to catch.
Yet the sluggish ones want 45 minutes of foreplay. Most guys just don't have that kind of time to commit to 45 minutes.
Molly, I love the convincing other bloggers to send you pictures. That's clever.
free porn = computer virus
There's no such thing as free porn? Wait... there's no such thing as SANTA CLAUS!!!
(exits weeping)
molly,
what sort of douchebag would ask his beloved readers to debase themselves for his amusement?
nick,
it makes me think of a snail-trail, so no.
ms.hellion,
good point.
dena,
I hate a sluggish knob-polish. Who am I kidding? I'll take it anyway I can get it.
chris,
they just have to guard against falling asleep.
mr. carson,
what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ubie,
c'mon, you never had to do any chasing.
egan,
sometimes you have to call in sick from work and make the time.
monkey,
summerlin would only be as annoying as every other suburb, but they added 'roundabouts' which no American knows how to properly navigate. Sorry you don't have a blog anymore but feel free to comment anytime.
ms. pants,
sounds like a lady who's had "The Geek Squad" fix her computer a few times.
jj,
There's no crying. There's no crying in vegass.
steph,
I think a great porn would be film of you watching porn.
Yeah man, what's with a ll the porno(esque) spam these days? I download my emails and it's 150 bizarre donkey/grandad/duct tape fetish site, something to make my dick bigger/smaller/whatever or some "investment" opportunity. Oh, and 1 "real" email from a friend/family member. Fuckers!
Shall I be the only one to say it?
OK, I think I will....
SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR GOING LOOKING FOR FREE PORN!!
;-P
there
bob,
I wouldn't invest a lot of money on that bill that makes dicks smaller.
real,
well, it appears I have received my comeuppence. If fabulous babes such as yourself paid attention to me in the real world as opposed to the blog world, I wouldn't need porn.
There is free porn without viruses, but it carries the randomized risk of seeing frightening, arousal-killing, bizarre Japanese porn every once in a while.
Case in point:
http://www.pronlinks.nl/
Don't those webcam sites = free porn? Or at least free mostly grossly unshaved chicks doing god knows what to themselves. Ew, nevermind.
You know, I think that porn is the reason why high-speed internet was invented.
I agree that the search for free porn is typically a bitter and unsatisfying exercise in self flagellation; however, I have run across some cool stuff from time to time. It's that damned intermittent reinforcement which keeps me coming back like a gambling addict.
Dude, www.ehowa.com. He gives das hookup.
Silly boy, go to www.ehowa.com. There you shall find your porn.
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