Friday, October 28, 2005
I Wasn't Born With Enough Middle Fingers
I just returned from my exciting business trip to Arizona. A lot has happened since I last blogged on Tuesday. Here's an overview.

- The Las Vegas airport truly sucks the knobby cock of Satan. With the exception of the casinos, everything in Vegas is built under the assumption that no one will ever visit or move to this town ever again. The roads are outdated a year BEFORE they're built and the airport is smaller than the one in Phoenix. There was a line at the security checkpoint which rivaled that of a brand new coaster at Magic Mountain, staffed by old people still bitter because Rosa Parks wouldn't give them her seat.

- The flight was delayed slightly, mostly due to the business-suit asshole who refused to check his giant suitcase at baggage claim. As large as that bag was, it wasn't big enough to store his bloated sense of entitlement. He sat behind me, so I had to listen to the usual cliched "corporate speak" most stupid people use to appear intelligent to other stupid people.

"I had to let her go, because, hey, I want a team player who can think outside the box."

I hope she kills him. Even if she deserved to be fired, even if she was the worst employee in the history of work, I pray to god she shoots him out of his leather chair. NO ONE WILL MISS HIM. His life is empty and meaningless. Imagine life if she slaughtered him. One less person to yell at service industry workers for problems beyond their control; one less douche screaming into his cell phone because he wants everyone to notice it's the latest model; one less ass-chapeau to cut us off in traffic; one less time I have to hear "think outside the box."

As usual, the emergency exit row, with all of its precious leg room, was occupied by three ladies, none of whom broke the five-foot barrier. I hope each of them suffers from an unexpected bout of gigantism and hover at the eight-foot mark by the end of the year. I hope creeping ivy grows from their twats.

- Phoenix, "All of the heat, none of the fun," isn't my favorite place, but the Sheraton hotel they put us in was nice. There's a lounge in the lobby, so the first night we watched part of the World Series and had a beer. The second night we went to a bar called the Library, where it was "Redneck Night". This means they put hay on the floor, because hay = farmer, and obviously the farmer who nurtures the soil and grows food isn't nearly as sophisticated as the "marketing director" of a shitty dump of a bar in Tempe. They also assaulted my ears with hair metal, which I hated when I was young and has not a fucking chance now that I'm old. The waitresses were cute and wore short shorts, but they're just as cute at Hooter's and I can get wings there.

We didn't stay there long. We went downstairs to a dueling piano bar. It's just like the one at New York-New York in Vegas, except the place was almost empty and the piano players were annoying and at best marginally talented. But aside from that, just the same.

- During the day I had to listen to a bunch of vendor reps talk about their products. To say I was disinterested would be an understatement. If my life would have depended on my feigning even the slightest bit of interest in the proceedings, I'd be dead now.

- One of my co-workers is so annoying I wanted to stuff him in a box and mail him to a foreign country. Luckily I never have to work with him. For one thing, he puts "Mr." in front of everyone's first name. "Good morning, Mr. Todd." "What's for lunch, Mr. Todd?" "I'm the most nerve-racking tool alive, Mr. Todd." Finally I had to say to him, "Mr. Todd was Abe Lincoln's father-in-law. Just call me Todd, please." Suddenly I'm the asshole. Who cares? He never talked to me again, so mission accomplished.

- My Bauhaus trip is off. My friend with the tickets has to work. I can still get the tickets, but no one else I know in Vegas likes Bauhaus and I'm not about to drive the rolling deathtrap to Los Angeles. I'll spend Halloween Weekend alone, drinking bourbon and throwing a shoe at the television when something happens to anger up my blood. I'm hoping to spend Thanksgiving Day at a greasy buffet, eating pressed turkey and all the fixin's with a plastic spork.

- In political news, Harriet Miers, President Bush's handmaiden, withdrew her name as a nominee for the Supreme Court. I hereby "Nelson" the Prez with a hearty "Haw haw!" Also, Cheney's top aide, "Scooter" Libby, resigned after being indicted on criminal charges. I know everyone deserves due process, but this is a grown man named "Scooter":

Guilty!!!

-


22 Comments:

Blogger Egan said...

Welcome back. Make sure you don't read the comments on your previous post. Things got a little ugly towards the end there. Have a good weekend and thanks for the updates.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

Those shuttles from the terminal to the other airport buildings in Vegas are also great for missing your flights and watching people desperately try to make up their mortgage payments in the last-gasp slot pulls.

Blogger Nick said...

Corporate suck-holes that want to talk to me about "paradigms" and "growing the business" can suck on the juiciest part of my taint. Fuck those guys to death with bamboo poles.

I was going to add something about desolate racist's, but I decided not to.

Blogger Sindy said...

Welcome Home Mr. Todd.. I knew the post would be worth the wait. ;o)

Blogger Shannon said...

Tood, aren't there a fucking bunch of nitwit losers with no taste in Vegas. No one likes Bauhaus! I feel your pain, I really fucking do. If I could, I would've gone. I was quite jealous of you.

btw- there's a halloween party, I don't have your email so I can't give you the details...Contact Claudia...I'll do my best to get "Bela Lugosi's Dead" on the play list.

I'm glad you're back. I was having minor Todd withdrawls.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
I'll try to have an adequate weekend.

itsjoint,
the slots pay for the airport, so they say. Then make it not as sucky, for god's sake.

nick,
yeah, everyone took the same class and read the same book.

Ms. Cindy,
Thanks for the kind words.

Shannon,
thanks for the invite. I can't for the life of me find Claudia's email. My email address is toddp345@yahoo.com
Is it tonight, tomorrow or Monday? Where? Let me know.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
I'm glad you're back. When someone says they've been threatened and then don't post for a few days, I start to worry. I was about to email you to make sure you were still alive.

I'm still rockin' it. I saw her at an event the other day and just tried to stay the hell away. But thanks for thinking of me, mang :)

Blogger Blonde said...

Glad you made it home alive!

Sorry about Bauhaus! Wish I could go with you :(. I will be spending my evening dressed as a cavewoman and paryting in a gay club. Only guys that don't want to fuck me, so they are all I can hang with until the project is over.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

In seventh grade my nickname was Scooter.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
you may have to wear a disguise to avoid her.

blonde,
to soothe my fractured ego, I'm just going to pretend all the women who ignore me in bars are lesbians. Yeah, that's the ticket, no interest in men at all.

ms. pants,
Scooter? Did you have a treehouse and sell 5-cent lemonade in your front yard?

Blogger Crystal said...

All airports suck, O'hare is probably more than 20 football fields long and it's a hassle finding the right terminal etc. Btw, Chicago erupted with SOX madness all last week, so that's cool you watched the World Series, I know people who paid $1,000 to go in person and I guess it was worth it. Welcome Back!

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

I know how annoying co-workers can be on business trips. I went to Belfast in Northern Ireland with a colleague earlier this year and all he could say to every irish man he met was things like, "So, I see you've stopped knee-capping each other then." And other such inflammatory comments. I said to him in the bar that I'm sure they'd make an exception for him and start doing it again.

Blogger katarina said...

I'm so glad to see you.

I especially like the title of this post. I've thought of this way too much in my life. Mostly this month.
I can't stand when people call me Miss Kat. I guess it goes back to when I used to work in daycare. It drove me nuts back then too. And they were just kids. I'd say, "Dude, seriously. Just call me Kat." They didn't get pissed. They thought it was cool.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I would never last in a business setting.

Whatever fear I had as a youngster is gone. I would tell the truth and that, as we all know, is career suicide.

Unless someone's looking for a court jester. That, I could do.

Blogger yournamehere said...

crystal,
Midway in Chicago is bad. The runway is short, so you have to drop out of the sky to land. Congrats to the Sox, even though I always liked the Cubs more, because of Harry Carray.

bob,
that guy could have gotten you into a brawl.

kat,
I'll bet you're good with kids, sweetie.

ubie,
I was at a "managers meeting" at Organized Living, the first meeting with our then-new store manager. She asked, "Does anyone have any complaints? Anything at all, now's the time." So I, being stupid, said, "Yeah, I think November 1st is too soon to play Christmas music," to which she replied, "If you don't like this job you can always find another one."
What if I had said what I really wanted to say? "I think this company is managed by asshats and your promotion does nothing to change my opinion."

Blogger Heather said...

Alisha said "dude...I'm not typing shit".

"what's on the shelf? Put it in the basket"

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Ass-chapeau.

Perfect.

Blogger yournamehere said...

heather,
drunk you very much.

doggrrrl,
thanks. I'm trying to speak more French.

Blogger Heather said...

Todd...I was stone cold sober...but I was typing what the drunkards behind me were saying.

Blogger Me said...

Call Mr. Jackass Samwise and see if he gets it.

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