"But Todd, I read your blog, " you may be saying out loud to yourself, and to the gypsy you're about to purchase a baby from. "Your life is a shit stain. Why should we trust you to fix the country?"
First of all, fuck you for doubting me. Secondly, who are you going to trust? President Bush? Har-de-har-har. Jesus? He's not coming back here to be tortured just so Mel Gibson can make "Passion 2". So sit back, relax, make sure the baby has all his fingers, and read my brilliant suggestions.
Force Israel to give the Palestinians what they want. This is not an anti-Israeli statement; nor is it pro-Palestinian. I think all people who blow others up in the name of religion (including the douchesacks who bomb abortion clinics) are fucking scumpails, regardless of whether the spiritual quote written on the nail-bomb comes from the Old Testament, the New Testament, or the Koran.
Why should Israel be the ones to concede? Because they're our allies, and any gesture by them makes us look good. Maybe if we spread just a little good will via Israel, we can travel abroad without pretending to be Canadian. Do you know how hard it is for Southerners to affect a Canadian accent?
Put rapists and child molesters in prison FOREVER. If a twenty-two year old gets twenty years in prison for rape, he'll get out at age forty-two ready to rape again. I know there's the popular notion of castrating rapists, but rape is all about violence, and if he doesn't have a dick he'll find something else to fuck with. Just throw the animal in jail until the day he dies, then toss him in a mass grave with all the other dead rapists.
Lower gas prices. Yeah, I know all about the free market, but these greedy pigs DO NOT COMPETE ON A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD. Their record multi-billion dollar profits are not the result of hard work and innovation. It has a hell of a lot to do with tax incentives, environmental-law rollbacks, and having an administration willing to let young people die on foreign soil to protect their interests. Make gas $1.50 a gallon at every gas station in America; not a penny more, not a penny less. They'll still make their money.
Hey, let's pay our good teachers what they're worth and toss the bad ones out on their asses. I'll admit up front I don't know a fair way to differentiate between good and bad teachers. Student test scores are misleading and not a fair way to judge the effectiveness of individual teachers. Perhaps some of my teacher friends out there can help me with this one. We can, however, raise the pay of teachers to reflect their importance to society.
Execute Karl Rove on live television. Karl Rove is a traitor, end of debate. He leaked a CIA operative's name to the press because said operative's husband was critical of the Bush administration. If we preempt Survivor one Thursday night and let America watch this guy buy a lead pacemaker Gary Gilmore-style, you can be god damn sure such nonsense won't happen again. Plus, I'd get a real kick out of it.
That's all I have right now. You're welcome.
Uh, tomorrow's will be funny.
First of all, fuck you for doubting me. Secondly, who are you going to trust? President Bush? Har-de-har-har. Jesus? He's not coming back here to be tortured just so Mel Gibson can make "Passion 2". So sit back, relax, make sure the baby has all his fingers, and read my brilliant suggestions.
Force Israel to give the Palestinians what they want. This is not an anti-Israeli statement; nor is it pro-Palestinian. I think all people who blow others up in the name of religion (including the douchesacks who bomb abortion clinics) are fucking scumpails, regardless of whether the spiritual quote written on the nail-bomb comes from the Old Testament, the New Testament, or the Koran.
Why should Israel be the ones to concede? Because they're our allies, and any gesture by them makes us look good. Maybe if we spread just a little good will via Israel, we can travel abroad without pretending to be Canadian. Do you know how hard it is for Southerners to affect a Canadian accent?
Put rapists and child molesters in prison FOREVER. If a twenty-two year old gets twenty years in prison for rape, he'll get out at age forty-two ready to rape again. I know there's the popular notion of castrating rapists, but rape is all about violence, and if he doesn't have a dick he'll find something else to fuck with. Just throw the animal in jail until the day he dies, then toss him in a mass grave with all the other dead rapists.
Lower gas prices. Yeah, I know all about the free market, but these greedy pigs DO NOT COMPETE ON A LEVEL PLAYING FIELD. Their record multi-billion dollar profits are not the result of hard work and innovation. It has a hell of a lot to do with tax incentives, environmental-law rollbacks, and having an administration willing to let young people die on foreign soil to protect their interests. Make gas $1.50 a gallon at every gas station in America; not a penny more, not a penny less. They'll still make their money.
Hey, let's pay our good teachers what they're worth and toss the bad ones out on their asses. I'll admit up front I don't know a fair way to differentiate between good and bad teachers. Student test scores are misleading and not a fair way to judge the effectiveness of individual teachers. Perhaps some of my teacher friends out there can help me with this one. We can, however, raise the pay of teachers to reflect their importance to society.
Execute Karl Rove on live television. Karl Rove is a traitor, end of debate. He leaked a CIA operative's name to the press because said operative's husband was critical of the Bush administration. If we preempt Survivor one Thursday night and let America watch this guy buy a lead pacemaker Gary Gilmore-style, you can be god damn sure such nonsense won't happen again. Plus, I'd get a real kick out of it.
That's all I have right now. You're welcome.
Uh, tomorrow's will be funny.
20 Comments:
I could start to fix it...
There's a guy I used to drive past in Pennsylvania who had two '62 Lincoln Continentals. Surely he could spare one?
You book Dallas for the 23rd.
Kill Karl Rove? I say put him in a wheeled cage, move him from town to town and let people poke at him with sticks through the bars.
Rapists/molesters -- put rage-filled women and rage-filled men together and let them kill each other. The women might need clubs to make up for the weight/strength difference.
Child molesters ... I'm still working on that one. The people who sell out children's innocence ... something with a potato peeler and citric acid is a start.
Wait. What else was there? Israel or something?
Easy way to figure out the good teachers:
Let me be the empress of teachers and I'll decide. Problem solved.
One of your finest posts, in my opinion. Keep on bitchin'!
"without pretending to be Canadian"
But this one of the great joys of my life. Besides, half the U.S. thinks that Maine is part of Canada anyway.
"move him from town to town and let people poke at him with sticks through the bars."
I like this idea for Karl Rove. Death is too easy, even if it's televised. I want to be one of the people with a stick. I want to FEEL his pudgy body give way as I poke him over and over and over.
I am a rage filled monkey.
Raise the pay for all teachers and get rid of these fucked testing testing testing things. Such a waste of time.
You are wrong on a couple of counts:
1. Israel already has given concessions....they just moved a ton of people and left many settlements. Appeasement doesn't work, Jimmy Carter.
2. No problem there.
3. Price controls don't work. Nixon tried it in the 70's--the result was long gas lines shortages. Gas companies won't sell at a loss. A better idea--get the gov't out of their business. The US doesn't need 40 different blends of gas (thank you environmentalists, for mandating that. You'd think they could all agree on one or two freaking additives).
4. Easier said than done.
5. I don't think that is an accurate account of what happened at all.
You have, as ever, my vote
I refer to myself as "closet Canadian". I speak French and know the capital of Canada. That ought to do the trick.
Leo,
I agree. Get the government out of the oil business. No more corporate welfare for them.
Let the market take over, and let someone invent a cheaper, cleaner and more efficient fuel. Let the consumers benefit instead of the oil companies for a change.
If they're suffering so much under such stringent regulations, why the hell are they posting record profits and facing a cash glut that's threatening our economy because they assholes aren't reinvesting in either their own infrastructure and development or other industries?
Next to idiot Bush and his plunging us into debt with foreign nations, such as CHINA, they are one of the biggest threats to our economy right now.
As for Karl Rove, how the hell do you know? Do you think that republicans are incapable of self-interest at the cost of our nation's well-being? The poor widdle picked on Turd Blossom. Give me a fucking break. And to announce "you're wrong" about things that are matters of opinion shows what kind of closed minded jackass you are.
Léo, you are coward, hiding behind your Blogger profile. Come out and play.
(Edit) ...you are A coward Léo. (I still have proofreading issues)
I like "You are coward, Leo"... it sounds like someone speaking with a Russian accent.
"You are coward, Leo... in Moscow, we use you for fish bait" or something.
He got me so upset that I, too, made a grammatical error.
I love the Russian take on my grammar mistake. It does sound more assertive that way.
chris,
one problem: I'm fresh out of grassy knolls and magic bullets.
kat,
I'd rather put them in jail in case five years down the line their innocence is proven. It won't make up for the prison sex they'd be forced to endure, but at least they could go free.
molly,
I've never seen an episode of Survivor.
ruben,
you can draw the bullseye on his chest.
ubie,
good idea about Rove. You get first poke.
andi,
You can be empress of teachers, and I'll even give you time to blog more.
monkey,
are you just plain angry, or crowd scene in Planet of the Apes angry?
leo,
if you had a blog, perhaps I'd listen to your arguments. Nah, who am I kidding? Enjoy the impeachment.
jj,
when I rule the world, I'll need someone to sip my bottles of single-barrell bourbon and aged Scotch to make sure they aren't poisoned. You're hired.
egan,
isn't the capital of Canada Alaska?
ubie,
I love you. It's an "I'm perfectly sane and realize I've never met you, you live in another state and are happily married to someone who seems really nice" love, but it is love.
In other words, thanks for the rebuttal. I honestly am battling a case of the "blues" and am not up for any blog bullshit.
egan,
I'd prefer to never hear from Leo again.
egan and ubie,
your witty banter is making this post seem much more popular than it actually is. Thanks.
Todd, it's the least I can do. By the way, I am done picking fights today. I enjoyed your rebuttal to Katarina's comment about the prison sex. That's solid shit.
Say what you want Todd, Ubie and I got your back.
Words to live by, "Enjoy the impeachment!"
I'm sensing anger.....
egan,
Prison sex is a huge crime deterrent for me.
lipstick,
I hate Karl Rove more than I hate the death penalty.
brooke,
I'm too tired and depressed to be angry.
e,
it makes me a little less depressed that you're concerned. Thanks. I just get depressed sometimes.
I really appreciate your concern.
Come on, gas is cheaper than a gallon of milk practically! In Europe they are paying $6/gal so I find it hard to shed any pity. Your 1st line about Israel I perfectly agree on, however, and I think terrorism would pretty much whittle away if the Israel-Palestinian situation was dealt with properly.
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