Saturday, November 12, 2005
In Todd We Trust
I want to start a new religion. Why? Well, I'm a deeply spiritual man who feels his religious choices are lacking. Also, I'd stand to make a shitload of money. I've given this heavenly enterprise several minutes of light contemplation, and this is what I've come up with:

-Holy sacrament: Small-batch bourbon and Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. The blood and body of Todd.

-Can gays marry? Sure, but it'll cost them. In addition to the church's normal fees, all same-sex unions will be subject to a 15% "Having to put up with a bunch of narrow-minded, redneck fuck-for-alls protesting outside the building" surcharge. Sorry, but cleaning up all that tobacco juice is expensive.

-Who can be a minister? Anyone, male or female, who can keep their dirty meat-hooks off the kids! Thou Shalt Not Diddle the Kids! It's the eleventh commandment in my church. Actually, that brings me to my next point.

-We don't need ten commandments. My religion doesn't care if you honor your father and mother. Should Jan Benet Ramsey's parents be honored? Sure, if by "honored" you mean beating them with socks filled with nickels until they're almost dead, duct-taping wolverines to their crotches and tossing them over Niagara Falls. Here are the church's commandments.

Thou Shalt Not Kill

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Thou Shalt Not Rape

Thou Shalt Not Diddle the Kids

That's it. Lying isn't encouraged, but it certainly doesn't warrant its own commandment.

-Despite the name of this post, I will not be the object of worship. I fully expect to become rich and decedent from this venture, and nobody needs to see their god stumble out of VIP at four in the morning with a coked-out Bijou Phillips on his arm.

-In the United States, Jesus will still be the center of attention. Minus the evangelical interpretation of his words, Jesus had some good ideas. And it's what I know. However, as the church spreads throughout the world, we'll "localize", using whichever god in a particular country is going to make us the most money.

-Once I'm rich, we'll start giving some money to worthy charities. Most of them will be legit, but some of them, such as Ubermilfians for Justice, will be fronts to line the pockets of my blogger
friends. If you're on the VIP list, which is now lengthy to the point of self-parody, expect to cash in.

-No potluck dinners. The Widow Phillips can shove the brussel sprout ala mode she brings to every event right up her puckered poop-chute. All social events will be catered. Also, OPEN BAR, BITCHES.

-The songs will be better. When a choir member is old and her voice frail and weak, she will be politely asked to leave. She doesn't want to be asked a second time. And no standing up and sitting down over and over. Sit there and mentally drink the Kool-Aid we serve you, enjoy the good music, and empty your wallet into the collection plate. Praise the Lord.

Also, I actually left the house last night! I had a few drinks and shot the shit with my new friend Shaken. She's a funny, sweet person who said really nice things about my blog and me in general. So, I finally got a "real-world" compliment, Egan.


Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

I'm your disciple. Lead me where you will...

Blogger Nick said...

He is not to be an object of worship and therefore is not your "sheppard". I'm in based solely on the fact that I'm on the VIP list and the open bar.

Get rich or drunk trying.

Blogger Jo said...

I'm in as long as we don't have to learn new Christmas carols, and since Jesus is still the guy to go to, I think we're good. Also, now that adultery isn't a 'punishable offense' anymore, I'll get to go to heaven ;-)

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

The cult leader in our town also has the biggest house in town and she owns a ton of businesses. So starting a religion is very lucrative. I pass the fruits of it everyday on my way out of town. It's a good idea.

I've thought of this myself. It seems pretty simple. Find some disullisioned teens and give them the attention they lack. Feed their heads with ideas but let them think they are in charge. In the end you really control their minds. A simple plan....wait did I just describe Charles Manson?

Blogger Sindy said...

Im not even on your VIP list and Im in.. Just because I love your blog. How easy was that?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I don't really like bourbon but I'll try it. I'm all over the Chicago-style deep-dish pizza.

I left the house last night,too! It helps, huh?

Blogger yournamehere said...

can I lead you to the jacuzzi filled with holy water?

I surmised the open bar would lure you in.

Yippie, adultery!

yeah, the reason I don't want anyone to worship me is to avoid a potential Manson/Koresch situation.

that was very easy. Will you be in Vegas anytime soon?

hey, I'm glad you got out as well. It helps a lot.

Blogger mona said...

Just for this : "Small-batch bourbon and Chicago-style deep-dish pizza" I'm in!

Blogger The real me said...

I'm in... and wish I lived in Las Vegas. Would love to have a drink with you Todd.
Trade quips and witty reparté would be fun.
I'm sure you'd wipe the floor with me in about 30 seconds though, you god of words, you!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Will there be snacks? I'm not coming if there aren't any snacks.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I'll join if we can have a month's long showdown with the ATF.

aww, thanks for the nice testimonial! You're a cool dude :)

Blogger digitalcowgirl said...

Being from Chicago and spending many years in Louisville--you had me at Holy Sacrament. I'd actually leave the pew for that (instead of just trying to inconspicuously trip everyone on their return from communion...)

Blogger yournamehere said...

you are wise to go with us.

I'm not that witty. This is all done with mirrors.

uh, catering? Open bar? If that's not enough, I'll buy a bag of potato chips for you.

I'm not going out like that. Do you think Cheney, Inc. would let it go on for a month?

and you are a cool dudess.

there's nothing better than deep dish pizza. Except making people fall on their asses in church.

I think the correct term is "dudette" but that's neither here nor there.

Blogger Nick said...

what about Dudelina?

I would like to ammend my previous comment.

I am in for the reasons stated above but also because I think it would a fucking riot to get loaded and pick on people with you. We can pick on people, right?

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Sign me up as it all sounds good to me. Just remember not to forget your devout blogger friends as we will probably be your first disciples...

Blogger yournamehere said...

"dudette"? I'm sorry. I shan't make that mistake again.

as long as "picking on" people doesn't entail killing them, stealing from them, raping them, or diddling their kid, we are good to go.

Blogger Calzone said...

Dude. I'm down with not diddling kids but your other three commandments are a tad extreme.

Lighten the fuck up Oral Roberts.

Blogger yournamehere said...

you'll be rich. I'll take care of my football-lovin' friends.

if you bring in enough members who'll line our pockets with their hard-earned money, we can look the other way.

you shannot!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Will there be liturgical dance?

Blogger yournamehere said...

"shannot" is officially your new nickname. Hope ya like it.

anything for you.

Blogger Steph said...

Where do we sign up? And is like a cult? I always wanted to belong to a cult but not indulge in the sleeping with an old ugly man in his harem bit.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Todd, you rock...and I promise to buy some sexy Steeler lingerie just for your eyes

Blogger Egan said...

I had a feeling I was going to hear about my stupid "real-life compliment" suggestion. It just didn't sound good when I typed it. Glad you had a great time with Shaken, Todd.

If El Ron can start his own religion, why can't you? There should be a Church of Worldwide Bloggers and you should begin the movement, Todd.

Blogger Barton said...

This site gives away FREE tickets to Las Vegas shows. They have other great Las Vegas stuff including info about wayne newton tickets Check it out wayne newton tickets

Blogger Egan said...

Anyone up for a Wayne Newton show?

Blogger yournamehere said...

how about sleeping with a middle-aged ugly man?

you're going to turn me into a Steelers fan yet.

no, you were right. Real life compliments are few and far between.

I hope your children are abducted, you spamming piece of fuck.

I'm leaving that spam comment up, as it enhances your Wayne Newton joke.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

haha...that's my goal ;-)

Blogger aughra said...

sign me up.

Blogger Claudia said...

Ahahah!! The choir members line is hilarious! I'm in.

Blogger Blonde said...

I am so in.

No Shovel Justice for those who stray from the Gospel of the Todd?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Wayne Newton tickets and snacks! This place rocks.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'd probably convert to Scientology to see you in some skimpy lingerie. (Not that you're a Scientologist; just using that as an example of your hypnotic hold over me)

your blonde hotness is going to be on our recruitment posters.

yeah, why is choir member a lifetime position, like Supreme Court Justice?

No, their very lives will be their punishment for turning down such a cool religion and being mired in their own theological dogma.

Wayne Newton is my co-pilot.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Can we handle snakes? (I like that good old fundamental shit)Wayne Newton is a false idol and should be the minions of course. As a VIP, I feel I shouldn't have to get my hands dirty.

Blogger katarina said...

So, basically, we eat drink and handle snakes?
Do we have to get up early on a Sunday? I need my beauty sleep as you well know.

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