Saturday, November 12, 2005
In Todd We Trust
I want to start a new religion. Why? Well, I'm a deeply spiritual man who feels his religious choices are lacking. Also, I'd stand to make a shitload of money. I've given this heavenly enterprise several minutes of light contemplation, and this is what I've come up with:

-Holy sacrament: Small-batch bourbon and Chicago-style deep-dish pizza. The blood and body of Todd.

-Can gays marry? Sure, but it'll cost them. In addition to the church's normal fees, all same-sex unions will be subject to a 15% "Having to put up with a bunch of narrow-minded, redneck fuck-for-alls protesting outside the building" surcharge. Sorry, but cleaning up all that tobacco juice is expensive.

-Who can be a minister? Anyone, male or female, who can keep their dirty meat-hooks off the kids! Thou Shalt Not Diddle the Kids! It's the eleventh commandment in my church. Actually, that brings me to my next point.

-We don't need ten commandments. My religion doesn't care if you honor your father and mother. Should Jan Benet Ramsey's parents be honored? Sure, if by "honored" you mean beating them with socks filled with nickels until they're almost dead, duct-taping wolverines to their crotches and tossing them over Niagara Falls. Here are the church's commandments.

Thou Shalt Not Kill

Thou Shalt Not Steal

Thou Shalt Not Rape

Thou Shalt Not Diddle the Kids

That's it. Lying isn't encouraged, but it certainly doesn't warrant its own commandment.

-Despite the name of this post, I will not be the object of worship. I fully expect to become rich and decedent from this venture, and nobody needs to see their god stumble out of VIP at four in the morning with a coked-out Bijou Phillips on his arm.

-In the United States, Jesus will still be the center of attention. Minus the evangelical interpretation of his words, Jesus had some good ideas. And it's what I know. However, as the church spreads throughout the world, we'll "localize", using whichever god in a particular country is going to make us the most money.

-Once I'm rich, we'll start giving some money to worthy charities. Most of them will be legit, but some of them, such as Ubermilfians for Justice, will be fronts to line the pockets of my blogger
friends. If you're on the VIP list, which is now lengthy to the point of self-parody, expect to cash in.

-No potluck dinners. The Widow Phillips can shove the brussel sprout ala mode she brings to every event right up her puckered poop-chute. All social events will be catered. Also, OPEN BAR, BITCHES.

-The songs will be better. When a choir member is old and her voice frail and weak, she will be politely asked to leave. She doesn't want to be asked a second time. And no standing up and sitting down over and over. Sit there and mentally drink the Kool-Aid we serve you, enjoy the good music, and empty your wallet into the collection plate. Praise the Lord.

*********************************
Also, I actually left the house last night! I had a few drinks and shot the shit with my new friend Shaken. She's a funny, sweet person who said really nice things about my blog and me in general. So, I finally got a "real-world" compliment, Egan.


25 Comments:

Blogger Fella said...

He is not to be an object of worship and therefore is not your "sheppard". I'm in based solely on the fact that I'm on the VIP list and the open bar.

Get rich or drunk trying.

Blogger Dani said...

I'm in as long as we don't have to learn new Christmas carols, and since Jesus is still the guy to go to, I think we're good. Also, now that adultery isn't a 'punishable offense' anymore, I'll get to go to heaven ;-)

Blogger FC said...

Im not even on your VIP list and Im in.. Just because I love your blog. How easy was that?

Blogger Maddie said...

I don't really like bourbon but I'll try it. I'm all over the Chicago-style deep-dish pizza.

I left the house last night,too! It helps, huh?

Blogger yournamehere said...

doggrrrl,
can I lead you to the jacuzzi filled with holy water?

nick,
I surmised the open bar would lure you in.

jo,
Yippie, adultery!

evil,
yeah, the reason I don't want anyone to worship me is to avoid a potential Manson/Koresch situation.

cindy,
that was very easy. Will you be in Vegas anytime soon?

pants,
hey, I'm glad you got out as well. It helps a lot.

Blogger mo** said...

Just for this : "Small-batch bourbon and Chicago-style deep-dish pizza" I'm in!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm in... and wish I lived in Las Vegas. Would love to have a drink with you Todd.
Trade quips and witty reparté would be fun.
I'm sure you'd wipe the floor with me in about 30 seconds though, you god of words, you!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Will there be snacks? I'm not coming if there aren't any snacks.

Blogger Jeremy said...

I'll join if we can have a month's long showdown with the ATF.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mona,
you are wise to go with us.

real,
I'm not that witty. This is all done with mirrors.

brooke,
uh, catering? Open bar? If that's not enough, I'll buy a bag of potato chips for you.

joint,
I'm not going out like that. Do you think Cheney, Inc. would let it go on for a month?

shaken,
and you are a cool dudess.

cowgirl,
there's nothing better than deep dish pizza. Except making people fall on their asses in church.

Blogger Fella said...

what about Dudelina?

I would like to ammend my previous comment.

I am in for the reasons stated above but also because I think it would a fucking riot to get loaded and pick on people with you. We can pick on people, right?

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
"dudette"? I'm sorry. I shan't make that mistake again.

nick,
as long as "picking on" people doesn't entail killing them, stealing from them, raping them, or diddling their kid, we are good to go.

Blogger Calzone said...

Dude. I'm down with not diddling kids but your other three commandments are a tad extreme.

Lighten the fuck up Oral Roberts.

Blogger yournamehere said...

indie,
you'll be rich. I'll take care of my football-lovin' friends.

calzone,
if you bring in enough members who'll line our pockets with their hard-earned money, we can look the other way.

Blogger Ubermilf said...

Will there be liturgical dance?

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
"shannot" is officially your new nickname. Hope ya like it.

ubie,
anything for you.

Blogger Steph said...

Where do we sign up? And is like a cult? I always wanted to belong to a cult but not indulge in the sleeping with an old ugly man in his harem bit.

Blogger egan said...

I had a feeling I was going to hear about my stupid "real-life compliment" suggestion. It just didn't sound good when I typed it. Glad you had a great time with Shaken, Todd.

If El Ron can start his own religion, why can't you? There should be a Church of Worldwide Bloggers and you should begin the movement, Todd.

Blogger egan said...

Anyone up for a Wayne Newton show?

Blogger aughra said...

sign me up.

Blogger onewaybanter said...

Ahahah!! The choir members line is hilarious! I'm in.

Blogger Blonde said...

I am so in.

No Shovel Justice for those who stray from the Gospel of the Todd?

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Wayne Newton tickets and snacks! This place rocks.

Blogger yournamehere said...

indie,
I'd probably convert to Scientology to see you in some skimpy lingerie. (Not that you're a Scientologist; just using that as an example of your hypnotic hold over me)

aughra,
your blonde hotness is going to be on our recruitment posters.

claudia,
yeah, why is choir member a lifetime position, like Supreme Court Justice?

blonde,
No, their very lives will be their punishment for turning down such a cool religion and being mired in their own theological dogma.

brooke,
Wayne Newton is my co-pilot.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Can we handle snakes? (I like that good old fundamental shit)Wayne Newton is a false idol and should be destroyed...by the minions of course. As a VIP, I feel I shouldn't have to get my hands dirty.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer