Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Bring in da noize, but kindly leave da funk at home
Here's a little bedtime story from your ol' friend Todd. Enjoy, my little ones.

I believe it was 1999 when my brother, my friend Dave, and I experienced THE SMELL. To this day, all I have to say to either of them is "THE SMELL" and they literally recoil in disgust.

We were at a club in Louisville called Have a Nice Day Cafe. It was a kitschy place that played disco and other hits of the seventies. Their drink specialty was jungle juice in huge half-gallon fish bowls; they were supposed to be for a group of people but I'd carry one around like it was a martini, drinking it all by myself. The three of us were standing there, me with my bucket of booze, Dave with his Budweiser, and my brother with a glass of red wine, when suddenly we were simultaneously nostril-raped by the olfactory equivalent of Dirk Diggler. We all literally gagged, then looked around for the offending smell; perhaps someone was gutting a marlin or wearing a suit made entirely of old tuna fish. No, it seemed to be coming from a very attractive young woman who was ordering a drink at the bar. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, not because she was pretty, but because I didn't want to believe that smell could come from an alive human. When she left, however, the foul stench followed her like she was the Pied Piper of stinky.

I turned to say something to Dave, and the poor guy's face was turning colors like a character in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. When it turned plaid, I bought him another beer. Everything was okay for a minute until the odor came back with a vengeance. "This time, it's personal" it seemed to say ala every bad sequel ever made. My brother actually vomited a little into his wine glass. She was right behind us, directly under an air conditioning vent, blowing her moldy goat cunt flow onto us like the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima. I couldn't help but stare at her crotch, expecting demons to emerge from what was clearly the Hellmouth, until my eyes were seared shut by smell-heat. We quickly retreated to the upper level, my brother guiding my temporarily blind ass up the stairs 'lest we lay dead at her feet, overcome by THE SMELL.

Sure, it was a disco, but she brought more funk to the party than George Clinton.


38 Comments:

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

T.

That was awesome! The images in that post created shock and awe, but I still laughed my ass off.

Thanks for the story!

Cheers,
JJ

Blogger MoDigli said...

ha! we had a "have a nice day cafe" bar in cleveland, too. Danm, even bars are chains now.

Oh! If the stank was that bad, why couldn't she smell HERSELF?! ewwwww!

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I'm not weird then. I always notice shoes and how a girl smells first. If either are not up to par she's out.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

"...nostril-raped by the olfactory equivalent of Dirk Diggler". Pure poetry, my friend.

Blogger Rachel said...

LOL!

Oh man I love you!

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

Zang, skunk twat...not even the Binaca from the babe kit can counter that punch.

Blogger yournamehere said...

j.jimmy,
this is the "shock and awe" that doesn't kill people or cost billions of dollars.

mo,
"Have A Nice..." had places all over. There's also a chain called "Polly Ester's". I went to one in California. I heard the one in Louisville closed. They probably couldn't get the smell out of there.

evil,
her smell wasn't "up to par" for a rotting animal corpse, let alone a person.

tango,
yet I'm not Poet Laureate. Fuckers.

rachel,
your love is recipricated.

joint,
sadly, gasoline and a match were the only things to combat the smell.

You're such a sweetie, thanks so much for sharing that. That was easily one of the most descriptive, graphically disgusting, nauseating thing I may have read in years, if ever. God bless you and the horse you road in on.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm sorry.

Blogger katarina said...

I can't imagine that she couldn't smell that. Although, maybe she did and just didn't care.
I bet some schmuck actually went home with her that night just because she was attractive. I wonder if he survived.
Nostril-raped. tee-hee...

Blogger babyjewels said...

hilarious. I'm gonna go summer's eve now.

Blogger Heather said...

Maybe it was the pheromones? $20 says she went home with someone that night. I mean...isn't that the soul purpose of going to 'have a nice day'?

Blogger Jo said...

"Moldy goat cunt" is officially my new favorite saying. Now I just have to figure out how to work it into conversation....

Blogger The real me said...

Slayed once again by your way with words.

WAAAAY too descriptive though. I'm going to crawl to the toilet and puke now.

Thanks.

Blogger Shannon said...

I had a roommate in college who had something very, very similar to "THE SMELL." She was a fucking whore who'd leave used tampons in the closet we shared and use every dish in the apartment without any intention of cleaning. Argh, THE SMELL would always linger in the bathroom for hours after she used it. I don't know what the fuck she douched with- fish parts?

I feel you pain, Todd. Thank god you were lucky enough to escape.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

damn.

that is all i can say to that story.

damn.

i experienced something similar with a stripper once.... i am scarred for life.

Very descriptive, Todd! I vomited in my mouth a little!

Blogger Onyx said...

That's just nasty.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
I read about your fascination with gross stories, so you're probably being sincere with your 'thank you'.

ubie,
Not as sorry as we were.

kat,
I think I saw a guy there that night whose face had been blown off in a chemical plant accident. Maybe he took her home. No one else could get near it.

babyjewels,
Summer's eve stock might go up because of this story.

heather,
the soul purpose? No, one went for the ambience, the finely crafted cocktails, the great music.

jo,
How about 'Hey moldy goat cunt, pass the salt'? That's a Thanksgiving show stopper.

I was actually!

Blogger yournamehere said...

real,
you must be tiny to be able to fit into a toilet.

shannon,
I can't imagine living with a stench so foul. Good lord.

princess steph,
a stripper with stank-crotch? That's someone who doesn't take her job seriously.

andi,
then my work here is done.

onyx,
yes, it is.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
yeah, I know. I'll send you a CD of the story being read by James Earl Jones. Powerful stuff.

Does he use special effects? When does it come out on DVD?

Blogger JJ said...

"the olfactory equivalent of Dirk Diggler" Another pot o' gold, Todd.

Blogger Nick said...

this story stinks!

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Mr Todd...
Long time reader (courtesy of TMIAB), first time poster.

I laugh with each post, however today I found myself wiping coffee off my screen. Laughed so hard tears were in my eyes.

Love it...
Mary

Blogger Blonde said...

I LOVE IT!!!

A guy finally talks about a woman who stinks like a dumpster behind a seafood restaraunt! HA!

Now she had a shield of clothing and panties to sort of block the funk...can you imagine full nudity funk???

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Fucking hysterical dude! Not only was that a very funny story, but your eloquent use of swearing was perfect, particularly the build up to the use of "cunt". I doff my cap to you sir!

Blogger Calzone said...

I'm so turned on right now

Blogger Dan-E said...

i have that song in my head now. "ooooo that smell!..." and I was eating a tuna sandwich, too.

bastard.

Blogger Übermilf said...

See, I have the Parliament song "We Want the Funk. Give us the Funk. Awwww.... We want the funk. gotta have that funk."

Please ignore my crazy use of capital letters in the lyrics.

Blogger The real me said...

Todd, I said crawl TO the toilet, not INTO the toilet!

But yes, size 4, thanks.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
the dvd comes with a Scratch-n-Sniff booklet.

jj,
I wasn't sure if anyone would 'get' Lexington Steele.

nick,
it is maleodorous.

mary,
thanks for the comment. I'm glad you liked the story of one of the most horrific moments of my life.

blonde,
oh, I longed for the smell of Red Lobster's dumpster! I'm guessing her panties disintigrated, leaving one less funk barrier.

Blogger yournamehere said...

bob,
thanks. Nothing like a cunt build up.

calzone,
if you're a fire-breathing Dragon, I'm sure coming into contact with her would cause an explosion.

dan,
at least you weren't eating the subject of the story.

ubie,
I knew you'd be down with the P-Funk.

real,
Are you sure you didn't secretly edit that? I thought you said "into".

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

We had a Have a Nice Day Cafe in Pittsburgh and my 3 friend and I drank 3 of those fish bowls - life was good, and we all smelled good!

Blogger The real me said...

No editing. I promise.

Maybe somehow a Freudian slipped and hit his head on the toilet...

Blogger yournamehere said...

indie,
that's what I like; drunk girls who smell good.

real,
damn those clumsy Freudians.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Maybe she had a fish in her hoo hah.

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