Monday, November 07, 2005
Cover that shit up
I've lived in two distinctively different cities in my life, but there is one type of person common to both places: The loudmouthed middle-aged man who wears a half-buttoned shirt which accentuates his patch of gray chest hair. These guys are everywhere, and I've never seen one who wasn't a complete ass. Whenever I see a middle-aged man holding up a line or screaming at a waiter or taking up four parking places with his '77 LTD, I instinctively look for that patch of gray chest hair. I think these guys are all in a Shriner's club for boisterous, know-it-all fucks; and that proudly displayed tuft of gray framed by a Wal-Mart checkered-pattern shirt is their badge of honor.

Keep in mind, I'm not disparaging all men with gray chest hair; just those who go out of their way to call attention to it. It's always freakishly long and horribly unkempt, and sometimes accented by a gold chain from the Mr. T starter kit. Why, I ask? Why? Do any of you ladies see yourself growing old with a patch-o'-hair-showin' guy? I need to know.


43 Comments:

Blogger Egan said...

Again, who says this post isn't funny? I can just imagine you fuming about this gray haired beast. Let's hear what the ladies have to say on this one.

Blogger Brookelina said...

And suddenly, being single feels so good.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

If my man ever started sportin' the gray chest patch, I'd forcibly rip each hair out one by one with tweezers.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

If patch-o'-hair-showin' guy was rich, I could probably look past it if I had to. Heh!

Blogger The real me said...

I saw a guy like that the other day in the book store! Shirt open to mid-chest and the lawn was unkempt!

Still wiping the egg off my face... stuck in some places and won't come off.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
I'm usually fuming because I have yet to see one of these guys who's a decent human being.

brooke,
so I'm assuming you vote "no" to the hair-showin'.

amie,
Note to Ben: Ixnay on the atchpay.

molly,
I was going to berate you for being shallow, but then I remembered I'm the same way with girls who have big juggs.

real,
they're everywhere.

Blogger Steph said...

Grey chest hair is just wrong. Do they have grey pubic hair too? Imagine that! Ohhh my eyes!

Blogger n.v. said...

Not even, Todd. Black chest hair, maybe. Perhaps I'll keep him in a life supply from the Steve Gutenberg Starter Kit.

I normally have to hold myself back from braiding and inserting beads into the aforementioned chest hair, but I most certainly cannot see myself growing old with it.

Im not on your list you jacket leaving bastard! choke on soup!!!
signed
The Pants of Donovan that boggie

Blogger Claudia said...

Ewww. Reminds me of family my reunion.

*barf*

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

You just described my tenth grade algebra teacher.

I hear when you get old your pubic hair falls out, just thought you'd like to know. (This is completely unrelated to my algebra teacher.)

Blogger yournamehere said...

steph,
I'm not sure, but I'll ask one of them, "Hey, does the carpet match the drapes?"

dena,
I think Steve Guttenberg sells merkins on the internet.

andi,
c'mon, it would be a lifetime of arts and crafts.

boogie pants,
I've choked on soup. Cream of Tiny Plastic Figurines. Not good.

Claudia,
"There's a hair in my potato salad."

Blogger yournamehere said...

ms. pants,
do you watch geezer porn?

Blogger digitalcowgirl said...

Can I get my name shaved in it?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

No, but I have a funny story about geriatric porn. Maybe I will share it later this week.

When I was in high school my best friends mother was going back to college. She told us the pubic hair gem one night while she was studying. A little piece of me died inside that night.

Blogger Nick said...

I hate old people. I hate young people.

Pretty much, I just hate people.

I like this anecdote Todd, it was light with good content and easy to read.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

This seems like the same kind of guy that drives a Mazda Miata (Mazda should market these directly to mid-life crisis sufferers), BluBlockers, and a Members Only jacket.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Oh, I hope I don't grow old with some crazy graypatch chest obnoxious guy! Ew!

I've always favored the boyish hair-free chest, myself!

I'd only grow old with Patch if he let me style it. I bet it looks sexy when it's curled and coifed.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed loves his patch. He displays it proudly.

Blogger yournamehere said...

digital,
that would be up to the gentleman.

pants,
I love your geriatric porn stories.

nick,
it also has a good beat and is easy to dance to.

joint,
I used to rock the Member's Only jacket.

mo,
I'm sure your future will be crazy graypatch chest-free.

shaken,
thank you once again for a different perspective.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed thanks you for visting his site and insulting him. Now Lou Reed pines for death.

the glass is always half full!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Lou Reed,
If this were 1967, I'd be honored that you read my blog. As it is, go ride your Honda Scooter off a cliff.

shaken,
the glass is half full? Time for a refill.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

That patch of chest hair is what we refer to in the Pacific Northwest as 'taco meat.'

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I had the Members Only jacket too, it was part of the Sam Malone "Babe Kit"

Blogger Jo said...

I can see myself growing old with 173 hairy chests. All attached to felines. Cuz my life is sad like that... lol

Sam Malone was the sex.

Blogger yournamehere said...

evil,
taco meat? I shan't visit Taco Bell ever again.

joint,
wasn't the Sam Malone Babe kit sold at participating Woolworth's?

jo,
don't become the cat lady. Run away from the light.

shaken,
damn, I wish I still had that Member's Only jacket.

Blogger Nick said...

You wanna borrow one of mine?

Blogger Mr Carson said...

I am constantly running into one of the gray patch boys... but to make it worse, this guy has the beer gut that hangs out the bottom of his shirt as well. It's just not right. I need a new bar to hang out at. The loser freak show bar and grill just isn't the classy place it used to be.

Blogger Ruben said...

You owe me money for all of the products I used to clean up the puke after I pictured an old man's gray chest hair. $43.17 please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blogger MsHellion said...

I figure if I don't show off my chest hair, then he shouldn't show off his. Fair enough. ;)

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

Oh yeah, it came in a gym bag with polarized aviators, a bottle of Old Spice and a shirt that came without the top 4 buttons.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

this is exactly the type of man that is attracted enough to me to try to get me to pull over on the side of the road. Oh yes, I know their kind.... ewwwwww.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I like the way their necklaces just sort of float atop the foamy gray sea of their chest hair.

I've also noticed that men of this ilk turn red alot. And their veins bulge.

I'm thinking they have a heart attack and die at a fairly young age.

Blogger Crystal said...

I'm here to tell you that I don't give a tin shit what's on his chest..if he's a good man, he can pack a lunch and forward his mail c/o my pussy cos' that's where he'll be a' stayin'. But I'm just accepting that way.

I'm sorry. Is that my flask calling? Why, yes! Yes, it is!

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Isn't that the next Budweiser Greatest American campaign "We salute you, Mr GreyChestHair Asshole guy". You know the song... backup singers and all.

Blogger Rachel said...

Todd, I have to come back when I can think.

*hugs*

Blogger Übermilf said...

I like Rachel's picture. It's pretty

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
yeah, fed ex that mo'fo'!

carson,
I pay extra to buy shirt that contain my gut, god damn it.

ruben,
the check's in the mail.

mshellion,
fair, and nauseating.

joint,
old spice is the scent of sexy.

princess steph,
Who are they? I'm the only dirty old man for you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
they die and the open casket funeral shows off the patch for one last time.

cano',
I've never seen one of these hair-showin' guys who deserves someone as fantastic as you, but it's nice to know you're so accepting.

doggrrrl,
ha, I can hear that commercial in my head.

rachel,
please do.

ubie,
it is, as is she.

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