Friday, November 11, 2005
The Secret to Happiness
I'm definitely in a much better mood than I was last week. Instead of wallowing in my depression, I've had time to think about why I get depressed. My diagnosis: I'm not stupid enough. Don't get me wrong, I'm not smart enough to be a scientist or surgeon, but I'm just intelligent enough to take an objective look at my life and the world at large and be severely disappointed.

Oh, I long to be stupid. Imagine how easy life would be if I was an easily entertained mush-brained jackfuck. I want to be able to turn on the radio and sing along to mindless musical kelp; I want to enjoy movies featuring Danny Glover saying "I'm too old for this shit"; I want to laugh uncontrollably at the madcap misadventures of Ziggy and have The Family Circus whimsically tug at my heartstrings; I want to be genuinely amused when someone asks "How's the weather up there?"; I want to engage in a lively Ford v. Chevy debate; I want to believe unconditionally in Intelligent Design; I want to boo the villains of pro wrestling; I want to decorate my car with Ribbon Magnents; I want to think a bumper sticker of Calvin urinating on something is endlessly hilarious; I want to leave an unironic complimentary comment on a Blog of Note; I want to read self-help books and feel self-helped; I want to have a quote from "Yes, Dear" for every social situation; I want to never question authority; and I want to develop a taste for inexpensive beer.

On second thought, bring on the fucking depression.


46 Comments:

Blogger Übermilf said...

I'm first, I'm so cool, I'm first

Blogger Übermilf said...

Okay, now that I've got that out of the way...

Yes. I completely understood Kurt Cobain's line, "I wish I was like you... easily amused"

I don't think so, though. We might have lows, but we have highs, too, because we can truly and deeply appreciate things.

Like a really good cupcake. With homemade chocolate frosting.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ubie,
you mock me with your delectible edibles. Oh, and with your cupcakes, too.

I want to enjoy movies featuring Danny Glover saying "I'm too old for this shit"

I think that was my favorite part.

I too long to be stupid at times, and then I'm gleefully reminded when I show up to class each week and realize what a fucking retard I really am. Trust me, stupidity doesn't exactly pan out to glory. Instead I've taken on a new "ignorance is bliss" credo and I've been applying it to every single situation possible. I highly recommend this method.

Also, I thought of you the other day when I was buying a gallon of vodka at Vons (not the dirty one, the really nice clean one in my neighborhood) and this fucking corpse was writing a check. For the love of christ lady, get a goddamn debit card or die already!

Blogger Nick said...

Ubie - (e)

Todd - If my choices are depression or that other shit, then I'm right next to you man. We'll sit in a bar not talking sipping on expensive bourbon and wash it all down with vulgarities that would make Hicks blush.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm pretty sure that when the Family Circus whimsically tugs at your heartstrings it means you are dead inside.

Were you trying to say the secret to happiness is being on the shovel justice list?

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
yes, thank god I now live near a clean Vons. You bought a gallon of vodka? Did it come with its own lifeguard?

nick,
I love expensive bourbon.
Oh, it seems a certain group of rogue commentors has driven a certain casual blogger off of the web.

pants,
yeah, if the FC gets to you, its time to swallow a shotgun.

Surely you aren't implying a gallon is a lot? *gasp*

Blogger yournamehere said...

Shaken,
of course not. It's just that I used to work at a liquor store and I don't remember a larger size than half-gallon. Did you buy two of those?

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

You could always move to my town. We have all of the mentioned characteristics plus our very own cult. Vegas Schmegass.

Blogger Nick said...

Fuck He-Man, Blog Vigilantes have the power.

Blogger Blonde said...

Depression is good sometimes. It usually helps me re-focus.

No one can go around happy as a clam all of the time. If they do, then they are too stupid to know what is going on.

You and I are going to be drinking margaritas in 27 days together...we will get alcohol induced happy then :)

actually, I did buy two bottles! And one of them is almost gone already!

Blogger yournamehere said...

evil,
cults freak me out, unless its a cult where young ladies give blowjobs to fat, freakishly tall guys.

nick,
that guy is really thin-skinned.

blonde,
alcohol-induced happy is the bestest happy of them all! I'm afraid Shaken will out-drink us both.

shaken,
your liver probably has a contract out on you.

Blogger Nick said...

thin skinned and unoriginal. what a pussy. I bet he doesn't even like bourbon.

I'm not going to lie to you people, I can drink more than anyone...ever. In history. I outdrank the UNLV football team every night for four years and I'm still kickin'. It will be fun watching you crazy hookers try to keep up, though :)

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
I'm guessing Cosmos, like Samantha from Sex in the City, but with a skankier twat.

shaken,
keep in mind I'm from Kentucky, and my liver weighs more than your entire body.

Which means you could probably pwn my ass on drinking Bourbon...and that's about it.

Blogger Nick said...

are there any other kinds of liqour that matter?

many!

Blogger Egan said...

I am so happy you mentioned that Danny Glover crap. It's a tired line from tired a movie series. Thinking is so overrated. At least all of us in bloggy land can do our best to boost your ego by showering you with compliments. That shit doesn't happen in the unplugged world. Best of lucky man.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I can definitly agree with the desire for stupidity sometimes. I think being in the military would be a thousand times easier if I could just get them to sign off on paying for a lobotomy. And I work in one of the "smart" career fields.

Blogger Steph said...

Oh to be brain dead, rock in a corner and let the world pass you by. Bliss.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I casually dropped by the Friday guy, dressed in my alter-ego. Nick knows my secret identity.

If he can't brush off some all-in-good-fun ribbing, then he's a sissy boy whiny pants crybaby.

By the way, there's a Stewie bobble head, too.

Blogger Brookelina said...

There is a reason for the expression ignorance is bliss.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Stupid makes me angry, and for some odd reason, angry makes me happy. And tequila. Excuse me whilst I go enjoy my red state-induced "hangriness."

Blogger Kris said...

Did you seriously post this in the future and already get close to 30 comments?

Must be the sex appeal. I need to get some of that, dammit.

I think about this a good bit. The idea that ignorance is bliss. (I just saw that Brooke already said that - I SO DID NOT COPY HER!)

Anyhoo - you NEVER want to really go there. Just think, how badly would a truly ignorant blog suck?

That sounded smart, didn't it? ;)

Blogger Shannon said...

Some philospher I had to read in college, Kierkagaard, said that happy people are just in denial about their despair. Despair is universal, and the deeper in despair you are, the closer you are to reaching god/brownies/enlightenment/truth/orgasm. Since that idea was despressing enough, I never finished the book and assumed he died drunk in a gutter. Anyways, all I'm saying is that you're on the right track.

Blogger Bobby said...

I had the arguement that being stupid makes some people happier, because they just can't worry about stuff the way normal people do.

the person i was arguing with didnt understand, as they were stupid, but happy.

Blogger ago-go said...

i think about that a lot. i know people who i'm certain hear nothing but constant toilet flushing in their heads...that is, until they start thinking about hockey.

sometimes, that would be nice (except for the hockey part).

Blogger The real me said...

Far more interesting to be superior...

Isn't there an expression that says something about genius and madness being bed partners?

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

My friend, you need a bumpersticker with Calvin pissing on something! Dale's number, the Elephant, an unborn Fetus... it will make you all better!

Are you countin' the days? I'll be all avisit soon. How's the weather up there? (ha)

Blogger Brookelina said...

Kris is a copycat...Kris is a copycat...Kris is a copycat...

Blogger Gwen said...

What is this Blog of Note where you leave ironic compliments? I want to see.

Wait... Are you saying you DON'T want to date me and being fodder for my third book? Goddammit...

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

I think you may find the answer in a box of Crayola crayons. Just inster up nostril into frontal lobe.

Ubie mentioned the highs and the lws, but forgot the creamy middles.

You could also be entertained by Nascar as well.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
drinking more bourbon than you counts. Bourbon is liquor.

nick,
I'll drink vodka and tequilla.

shaken,
see above reply.

egan,
you are so right. I don't think I've had thirty non-blog related compliments my entire life.

wuneyed,
but the lobotomy leaves such a nasty scar.

steph,
it's like alzheimers without the wrinkles.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
yeah. I think Monkey feels genuinely upset that it came to this. I'm nonplussed.

brooke,
would that reason be that, indeed, ignorance is bliss?

mshellion,
Cue Ren saying "I enjoy being angry."

kris,
true ignorance has its place. Newspaper comics, for example.

shannon,
if someone is eating brownies while receiving oral sex, is that called a brumpkin?

bobby,
sometimes if I want to make myself happy, I think of baked goods.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ago-go,
the constant toilet flushing sound would always make me have to pee.

real,
yeah, but genius just lays there.

doggrrrl,
Until your arrival, I'll practice laughing insincerely at that line.

brooke,
it's just shameless thievery, isn't it?

gwen,
no, I SO want to date you and become fodder for your third book. I was talking about a former blog of note that I shan't note ever again.

bob,
I like the post-race fights in Nascar, but that's about it.

Blogger MoDigli said...

ahhh, blissful ignorance! You could always squint your eyes, plug your ears, and go "LA LA LA LA LA LA" for the rest of your life!

Blogger Egan said...

... and in bloggy land we can shower you with at least 30 compliments a day. Keep up the good work. The real world is just so damn daunting.

Blogger Rip Avery said...

A window sticker of Calvin urinating is not endlessly hilarious?? Have you no sense of comedy, sir?

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

Right after a good chuckle at Family Circus, one can get a hardy laugh at Garfield, the funny cat that isn't funny.

Let's not forget how you want to believe The Amazing Race isn't fixed and that the nicest couple/family is just lucky enough to win despite facing the last round with no money.

Whatever, Family Circus RULES, I say! I actually have one cut out on my bulletin board that has a picture of Dad talking to Jeffy saying:

"Jeffy, jokes aren't funny if you can't remember the punchline!"

Blogger yournamehere said...

mo,
I've tried that. It hurts the ears and one tends to get thrown out of the nicer restaurants.

egan,
I don't blog for the compliments. Who am I fooling? Of course I do.

rip,
if a person pissed on one of those stickers, that would be funny.

joint,
Garfield likes lasagna.

Julie,
hello. Did anyone ever pick the Average Joe?

shaken,
comic strips aren't funny when there is no punchline.

that's why it's funny!

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