Monday, November 14, 2005
Making Friends in College
The Scene: The University of Louisville's crappy, since-demolished student center. I and a group of friends are sitting at a table enjoying espressos when an annoying, obnoxious friend of a friend of an acquaintance sits down, uninvited, and makes an unsolicited announcement.

Annoying, Obnoxious, Uninvited Girl: "I had to break up with the boyfriend. He had a little dick."

Me: "Was it his little dick, or your big gaping vagina?"


Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Touche Mr Todd sir. If someone says something like that they're a prime target for a good toungue lashing! Oo err.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

holy crap, thats a lovely mental image.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Did they have to tie a board to his ass so he wouldn't fall in? That's usually a clear sign of an enormous vagina.

By the way, did she slap you silly?

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Sounds pretty shallow to me.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

That's just plain cool. No doubt about it. You have to be careful, though, it might jump out and swallow if you insult it too much.

Blogger The real me said...

And you wonder why you have no girlfriend?

Try biting your tongue next time!

Blogger Calzone said...

Nicely done. It's about time we men took a stand against the constant objectifying of our Penisis.

Blogger Monkey said...

You sir, are a genius.

And Brooke is correct. The board on the ass is the appropriate method for testing the vagina's width.

I do wonder why the annoying, obnoxious twice removed aquaintance would choose you and your friends for this confession. Did you have a sign out: "Appalling confessions accepted here?"

Blogger yournamehere said...

maybe if he'd been better with the tongue lashings, she would've given him a pass.

if I've offended you, perhaps I have gone too far.

He said, whilst between her legs, "You have a big pussy. You have a big pussy."
She said, "You didn't have to say it twice."
He said, "I didn't."

I'm not going near that.

I think it had an overbite.

I didn't give the back story on this person. She deserved worse.

Blogger yournamehere said...

no, I didn't even know the guy she was talking about. I just wanted to piss her off.

she was a young republican and she liked to slum with the English majors in the way a moneyed east coast grad student goes to eastern europe and pretends to be a socialist.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I'm through not offending people. No matter what you say you're going to offend people.

I'm going to start throwing pudding at people.

Blogger katarina said...

I thought I laughed hard at the original post, but then I read your response to Brooke and just about fell off my chair. I shed tears for you, you silly man.

She deserved it. I would've just told her to go the fuck away. I'm not a master with the words as you are.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh I love coming here. I truly do. You are a man among men.

And Calzone, you spelled penises wrong.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

You should have had a camera for the Screech-face that chick probably made after you said that.

Blogger Egan said...

So is it appropriate for me to share my own small penis story here? It seems like this group of readers wouldn't judge me if I had an abnormally small unit. There's got to be a small penis support group out there somewhere.

Blogger katarina said...

It would be a small support group.

Blogger Whitey said...

Who the hell opens with a comment like that? She would have deserved the verbal berating even if you didn't know any sort of backstory about her.

Besides, doesn't she know it's the motion of the ocean?

Blogger Monkey said...

YNH ~ Your reply to my comment was pure genius. I was able to visualize the woman with a clarity usually reserved for microscopes.

My admiration grows.

And I to will be throwing pudding at people in the near future.

Blogger Monkey said...

I "too". Ech.

Blogger JJ said...

And then the two of you got married or what?

Blogger MsHellion said...

Chicks who so callously and publicly make such statements are rarely tight as a mouse's ear to begin with. I am sure she was well worn, like the saddle of a Wyoming ranch hand.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

ha. so very much not offended sir.

you are a master wordsmither....

Blogger Monkey! said...

Hey yournamehere, do you mind if I link to this blog?

Blogger PusBoy said...

Goddamn, that's good. I knew I should have gone to U of L. That would have been worth it right there.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I believe she was the sister to this friend of a friend of a friend...this girl interrupted a conversation between me and another girlfriend by stating "you know, masturbation helps relieve menstrual cramps". Our jaws hit the floor and before we knew it she was gone. Now what the hell do you say to that?

By the way, I'm addicted to your postings, thanks!

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I think I need to take you out with me when I don't feel like being witty or sarcastic.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

You really know how to sweet talk the ladies.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ummm, pudding.

she thought I was kidding, so someone else had to tell her to go the fuck away.

I always assume you're being sarcastic, but thanks.

she already had a Screech face.

didn't you say on your blog that you're hung like a blue-ribbon bull? Really, that's between you and your wife, man.

Blogger yournamehere said...

good one. A small, embittered support group.

still, I wouldn't have said that to just anyone.

she would say things like, "Oh, creative writing. How cute."

I asked for a handjob, but no dice.

perfect. I have nothing to add.

Blogger yournamehere said...

princess steph,
I am also a cunning linquist.

link away. Through feces at it as well, if you wish.

it was worth the subpar education just to be able to get off a line like that.

that's when I'd break out the non-sequitar, such as "I like my pastries to be a nice golden brown on the outside."

no slacking. We can both be.

they don't call me 'No Game' for nothing.

Blogger Sindy said...

Ohhh Todd!!! You made my day! (again)

Blogger Blogenfreude said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Blogenfreude said...

"I am also a cunning linquist."
Is this some sort of Swedish sex thingy?

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

My friend Luke called that the stirrin' paint - once in a while, you hit the sides.

Big cocks = small brains.

Blogger Crystal said...

She ended up fucking you, didn't she?

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