Thursday, November 17, 2005
Golddigger Update/Short Rant
A few months ago, I blogged about my friend Dan and his skanky, user girlfriend. I won't link to it because I'm lazy and really, who wants to read that old shit, anyway? I'll just summarize: He met a girl at a car wash, even though she doesn't own a car. She has too children, both by a different guy, and SHE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. Her mother also is jobless and refuses to watch the kids so this harlot can become employed.

About a month ago, she moved all of her shit into Dan's house. Just one night, moved her crap in and brought her children and her little sister, who stays there more than half the time. Unannounced and uninvited, by the way. That's when I ended my silence. "Jesus cunt, Dan, throw those people the fuck out! Move back to the Bay Area, man. I'll miss ya, buddy, but run. Run for your very life."

He actually agreed with me, but said he couldn't dump her because she has mental problems and he was afraid she'd hurt herself. Oh my god, San Fran is very homeless friendly; I would have been a street person there before putting up with that garbage.

Well, today the shoe dropped, in the form of a steel-toed boot right in Dan's crotch. She's pregnant with his child. For those of you entered in the "Worthless Dumpster Slut" sweepstakes, that's three lil' bastards with three guys and I think she's twenty-three. He's thirty, I believe. It's all over for him. A guy who was raised upper-middle-class has just boarded the White Trash train to Fuckedville. And yes, it has to be said, he deserves it. He thought with his dick. Obviously, he thought with his unprotected dick. Those other kids are his now. Her insanity is his, too. When she really goes nuts, if she doesn't kill him in his sleep, he'll be raising the children and working full time. My friend is going to be a single mother.

I have nothing against parenthood and settling down, but this is a bad thing, people. He really did himself in. Sure, he got what he asked for; but sue me, he's still my friend. I still think he should run for his life. She's not even a smart golddigger. The son of a bitch has the same shitty job I have. I weep for all involved.
I hate it when someone is blocking your path, so you politely say, "Excuse me, please," and they move their carcass about a quarter of a nanometer to let you pass. "Oh, thanks so much for the effort, doucheheart. I might be able to cram one of my pubes through that opening you so generously gave me." I'll repeat myself once, and if they don't move then, I'm coming through, bitch!


Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I remember that post. You warned him though so you did your part. I hope this shit turns out for him....

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

just wow.
why he trusted crazy mcslut to take care of the birth control issues is just ignorant...
ya never want a baby with crazy
cause then you have crazy babies.

no fun..

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Condoms, condoms, CONDOMS! I can't say it enough!!!!

If all goes well I could have the male equivalent this Thanksgiving. I'll be spending Turkey Day with a friend whose cousin has SIX children with SIX different women and he JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL! Score!

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I'm with Pants. If you're humping a chick with two kids by two men, well, that's all sorts of warning bells calling for double sheathing. I feel for your friend, but damn.

I worked with a girl that had a 7-month old and was pregnant again. She wasn't sure who the father was, it was one of 4 different guys. If you're having unprotected sex with 4 people at the same time you just bought a ticket for sterilization in my book.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Good Lord! But like everyone else says, it entered this lifetime of hell all on his own. Poor bastard! And again I say, the Man Upstairs has a sick sense of humor because he somehow allows these monsters to continue bearing children while worthy couples are paying thousands due to infertility. It's just not fair...

Blogger yournamehere said...

not a lot else I could have done, other than killed the girl, and I'm actually a rather peaceful person.

she's pregnant, and her youngest is still in diapers. Ugh.

but thanks to that sweet double standard, your friend's cousin is considered not a slut, but a true playa. Note: Male whores are whores, too. And you know what, pants, you can't say "condoms" enough. It kinda turns me on.

I think adults should be allowed to have as many consenting adult partners as they can con into fucking them, but show a little responsibility, for christ's sake.

she is one fertile myrtle. I think she had a pregnancy scare when I shook hands with her.

Blogger katarina said...

I used to hang out with this girl who had 4 kids by the time she was 21. At least most of them were her husband's. She had more children later. Those are the people you see on COPS.
As Bill used to say, "Let's figure out this whole food, air deal."

Wow, that fucking blows for your friend. 'Scuse the pun.

Blogger Kath said...

Ok, I'll go ahead and say it...he pays for her to get an abortion and then he's outta there.

Or else he gets lucky and she miscarries.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be thankful it's not YOUR story.

Makes a good argument for forcible birth control, doesn't it?

Blogger yournamehere said...

When we all had to go to Phoenix for work, my boss and I picked Dan up at his house and it looked like a scene from Cops: The baby was in just a diaper, the little girl was dirty, the girlfriend was asking where the money was. Pathetic.

I hardily endorse and encourage those kinds of puns. It does blow diseased mountain goat cocks for him.

there's no way she'll have an abortion now. She has him right where she wants him.

Blogger Sindy said...

..... wow.. ugh.. For the Love of God!(Todd).. He's fucked.. Unless he bolts..Run like the wind!.. Thanks for stirring my up at bedtime Todd.. Damn!

Blogger Steph said...

He's lucky he's only getting a kid out of it. If i were him i'd be getting myself checked for STD's. *shudders*

Blogger Egan said...

Wow, sucks to be your friend/co-worker. This guy's life is ruined or is it too late to have a certain talk? I would guess this isn't an option or you would have mentioned it. It sounds like reasoning with her doesn't work so well anyways. Yikes.

You said pubes and doucheheart in close to the same sentence. At least you tried.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'd have to get a date before it could be my story. Thank god for unpopularity.

it's my pleasure to stir you up at bedtime.

I hope it doesn't hurt when he pees.

she is happy to be knocked up, I'm sure. "The kids is gettin' too big to cuddle."

Blogger tango jellybean said...

sweet mother of mercy. I thought that shit only went on here in KY.

You need to establish a trademark on the word "doucheheart". I'll get the t-shirt deal for ya.

Blogger Egan said...

Alrighty then Todd. Glad he's still your friend even though he sure isn't making it easy for you.

Blogger Nick said...

Off topic here, sorry. Todd could you email me please. The editors at Queue and Eh? would like to talk to you.

i hate, hate, HATE it when i am polite and say excuse me and i get a quarter of an inch of go by space. my new thing now is i just ram whatever i happen to have in my grasp into their fat ass, be it my cart or my elbow. that usually gets them moving, then i just give them smarmy glares as i continue to walk on by.

Blogger Blonde said...


I called that one. I said in my post that he was going to knock her up.

I weep for all involved too EXCEPT for your friend. He is the only intelligent one involved and he fucked up.

Blogger JJ said...

I had a friend in college who fell in love with a stripper. She yanked him for every dollar he didn't have and then moved on. Then he dropped out of college.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Sucks ASS to be that friend of yours, but I have trouble feeling sorry for him. Sounds like he has no backbone.

And as to the 'excuse me' thing. When I say 'excuse me', it's just a polite way of saying 'get the FUCK out of my way'!!!!!

Blogger Rachel said...

That doesn't just blow, that sucks and blows. I guess that was part of the problem huh?

Call me a cold-hearted bitch but I say he needs to cut his losses. Get her the fuck out, pay the "babies daddy" support and move on, but thats just me. See, I can be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes, actually feeling that way a lot lately. Oh, and he needs to get a paternity test.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

well we all know that I am anti abortion, but maybe..... just this once.....

can we say mandatory sterilization?

Blogger ginonymous said...

i'm with he certain it's his?

this is the kind of shit that makes me wonder why you have to take a test to drive..any asshole can (and many do) procreate. christ.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. He deserves her. I just hope the kids don't suffer too much with this twat as their mother.

Please post the link to the original blog about her!!!!

Blogger Dennis! said...

Is everyone sure she's pregnant? Or is she just saying so? Get her to an OB/GYN and check. And then have DNA tests performed when it's squeezed out. Then run, whatever the hell the results say.

Blogger MoDigli said...

oh, man! Thinking with the dick is bad, bad news!

Dan really should have thought about using some kind of protection! But you know, I wouldn't be surprised if she'd have poked holes in them with a pin or something when he wasn't looking!

Worse off, (and I hate even suggesting this, but) Is he SURE the baby is his?

Blogger yournamehere said...

it's so redneck it almost makes me homesick.

it isn't hard on me at all. He never hangs out with me anymore, but if this was a healthy relationship, I'd be happy for him.

I will email you post haste.

hey, thanks for commenting on my rant. I rather liked it, but I shouldn't have buried it under the soap opera stuff.

yeah, being mad at her for this is like getting mad at a skunk for pissing on you. It's just doing what comes naturally. And I'm trying to think of a subtle way to tell him to get a paternity test. Perhaps they could do it live on Springer.

strippers can be bad news. My friend spent lots of money on one who played him like a fiddle.

Blogger yournamehere said...

yeah, I'm nice, but he's nice to the fuckin' extreme.

you are right. IF the baby is his, he owes for it. He doesn't owe this woman or someone else's kids JACK SHIT. He should move back to the Bay area and never look back.

her hoo-ha should be sewn shut.

can you imagine the line at the DMV to take the procreate test? Ugh.

the children are doomed.

she's a hypocondriac(sp?) and they went to the immediate care center because she wasn't feeling good. A doctor told my friend to his face that she's pregnant.

I was wondering why I saw her at Walgreen's buying condoms and safety pins.

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