A few months ago, I blogged about my friend Dan and his skanky, user girlfriend. I won't link to it because I'm lazy and really, who wants to read that old shit, anyway? I'll just summarize: He met a girl at a car wash, even though she doesn't own a car. She has too children, both by a different guy, and SHE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB. Her mother also is jobless and refuses to watch the kids so this harlot can become employed.
About a month ago, she moved all of her shit into Dan's house. Just one night, moved her crap in and brought her children and her little sister, who stays there more than half the time. Unannounced and uninvited, by the way. That's when I ended my silence. "Jesus cunt, Dan, throw those people the fuck out! Move back to the Bay Area, man. I'll miss ya, buddy, but run. Run for your very life."
He actually agreed with me, but said he couldn't dump her because she has mental problems and he was afraid she'd hurt herself. Oh my god, San Fran is very homeless friendly; I would have been a street person there before putting up with that garbage.
Well, today the shoe dropped, in the form of a steel-toed boot right in Dan's crotch. She's pregnant with his child. For those of you entered in the "Worthless Dumpster Slut" sweepstakes, that's three lil' bastards with three guys and I think she's twenty-three. He's thirty, I believe. It's all over for him. A guy who was raised upper-middle-class has just boarded the White Trash train to Fuckedville. And yes, it has to be said, he deserves it. He thought with his dick. Obviously, he thought with his unprotected dick. Those other kids are his now. Her insanity is his, too. When she really goes nuts, if she doesn't kill him in his sleep, he'll be raising the children and working full time. My friend is going to be a single mother.
I have nothing against parenthood and settling down, but this is a bad thing, people. He really did himself in. Sure, he got what he asked for; but sue me, he's still my friend. I still think he should run for his life. She's not even a smart golddigger. The son of a bitch has the same shitty job I have. I weep for all involved.
*******
I hate it when someone is blocking your path, so you politely say, "Excuse me, please," and they move their carcass about a quarter of a nanometer to let you pass. "Oh, thanks so much for the effort, doucheheart. I might be able to cram one of my pubes through that opening you so generously gave me." I'll repeat myself once, and if they don't move then, I'm coming through, bitch!
About a month ago, she moved all of her shit into Dan's house. Just one night, moved her crap in and brought her children and her little sister, who stays there more than half the time. Unannounced and uninvited, by the way. That's when I ended my silence. "Jesus cunt, Dan, throw those people the fuck out! Move back to the Bay Area, man. I'll miss ya, buddy, but run. Run for your very life."
He actually agreed with me, but said he couldn't dump her because she has mental problems and he was afraid she'd hurt herself. Oh my god, San Fran is very homeless friendly; I would have been a street person there before putting up with that garbage.
Well, today the shoe dropped, in the form of a steel-toed boot right in Dan's crotch. She's pregnant with his child. For those of you entered in the "Worthless Dumpster Slut" sweepstakes, that's three lil' bastards with three guys and I think she's twenty-three. He's thirty, I believe. It's all over for him. A guy who was raised upper-middle-class has just boarded the White Trash train to Fuckedville. And yes, it has to be said, he deserves it. He thought with his dick. Obviously, he thought with his unprotected dick. Those other kids are his now. Her insanity is his, too. When she really goes nuts, if she doesn't kill him in his sleep, he'll be raising the children and working full time. My friend is going to be a single mother.
I have nothing against parenthood and settling down, but this is a bad thing, people. He really did himself in. Sure, he got what he asked for; but sue me, he's still my friend. I still think he should run for his life. She's not even a smart golddigger. The son of a bitch has the same shitty job I have. I weep for all involved.
*******
I hate it when someone is blocking your path, so you politely say, "Excuse me, please," and they move their carcass about a quarter of a nanometer to let you pass. "Oh, thanks so much for the effort, doucheheart. I might be able to cram one of my pubes through that opening you so generously gave me." I'll repeat myself once, and if they don't move then, I'm coming through, bitch!
18 Comments:
Condoms, condoms, CONDOMS! I can't say it enough!!!!
If all goes well I could have the male equivalent this Thanksgiving. I'll be spending Turkey Day with a friend whose cousin has SIX children with SIX different women and he JUST GOT OUT OF JAIL! Score!
I'm with Pants. If you're humping a chick with two kids by two men, well, that's all sorts of warning bells calling for double sheathing. I feel for your friend, but damn.
I worked with a girl that had a 7-month old and was pregnant again. She wasn't sure who the father was, it was one of 4 different guys. If you're having unprotected sex with 4 people at the same time you just bought a ticket for sterilization in my book.
evil,
not a lot else I could have done, other than killed the girl, and I'm actually a rather peaceful person.
knitty,
she's pregnant, and her youngest is still in diapers. Ugh.
pants,
but thanks to that sweet double standard, your friend's cousin is considered not a slut, but a true playa. Note: Male whores are whores, too. And you know what, pants, you can't say "condoms" enough. It kinda turns me on.
wuneye,
I think adults should be allowed to have as many consenting adult partners as they can con into fucking them, but show a little responsibility, for christ's sake.
indie,
she is one fertile myrtle. I think she had a pregnancy scare when I shook hands with her.
Be thankful it's not YOUR story.
Makes a good argument for forcible birth control, doesn't it?
Kat,
When we all had to go to Phoenix for work, my boss and I picked Dan up at his house and it looked like a scene from Cops: The baby was in just a diaper, the little girl was dirty, the girlfriend was asking where the money was. Pathetic.
shaken,
I hardily endorse and encourage those kinds of puns. It does blow diseased mountain goat cocks for him.
kath,
there's no way she'll have an abortion now. She has him right where she wants him.
He's lucky he's only getting a kid out of it. If i were him i'd be getting myself checked for STD's. *shudders*
Wow, sucks to be your friend/co-worker. This guy's life is ruined or is it too late to have a certain talk? I would guess this isn't an option or you would have mentioned it. It sounds like reasoning with her doesn't work so well anyways. Yikes.
You said pubes and doucheheart in close to the same sentence. At least you tried.
real,
I'd have to get a date before it could be my story. Thank god for unpopularity.
cindy,
it's my pleasure to stir you up at bedtime.
steph,
I hope it doesn't hurt when he pees.
egan,
she is happy to be knocked up, I'm sure. "The kids is gettin' too big to cuddle."
sweet mother of mercy. I thought that shit only went on here in KY.
You need to establish a trademark on the word "doucheheart". I'll get the t-shirt deal for ya.
Alrighty then Todd. Glad he's still your friend even though he sure isn't making it easy for you.
Off topic here, sorry. Todd could you email me please. The editors at Queue and Eh? would like to talk to you.
nick.seaman@gmail.com
i hate, hate, HATE it when i am polite and say excuse me and i get a quarter of an inch of go by space. my new thing now is i just ram whatever i happen to have in my grasp into their fat ass, be it my cart or my elbow. that usually gets them moving, then i just give them smarmy glares as i continue to walk on by.
I had a friend in college who fell in love with a stripper. She yanked him for every dollar he didn't have and then moved on. Then he dropped out of college.
That doesn't just blow, that sucks and blows. I guess that was part of the problem huh?
Call me a cold-hearted bitch but I say he needs to cut his losses. Get her the fuck out, pay the "babies daddy" support and move on, but thats just me. See, I can be a cold-hearted bitch sometimes, actually feeling that way a lot lately. Oh, and he needs to get a paternity test.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. He deserves her. I just hope the kids don't suffer too much with this twat as their mother.
Please post the link to the original blog about her!!!!
Is everyone sure she's pregnant? Or is she just saying so? Get her to an OB/GYN and check. And then have DNA tests performed when it's squeezed out. Then run, whatever the hell the results say.
oh, man! Thinking with the dick is bad, bad news!
Dan really should have thought about using some kind of protection! But you know, I wouldn't be surprised if she'd have poked holes in them with a pin or something when he wasn't looking!
Worse off, (and I hate even suggesting this, but) Is he SURE the baby is his?
molly,
yeah, I'm nice, but he's nice to the fuckin' extreme.
rachel,
you are right. IF the baby is his, he owes for it. He doesn't owe this woman or someone else's kids JACK SHIT. He should move back to the Bay area and never look back.
princess,
her hoo-ha should be sewn shut.
aa,
can you imagine the line at the DMV to take the procreate test? Ugh.
brooke,
the children are doomed.
dennis,
she's a hypocondriac(sp?) and they went to the immediate care center because she wasn't feeling good. A doctor told my friend to his face that she's pregnant.
mo,
I was wondering why I saw her at Walgreen's buying condoms and safety pins.
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