I just got back from my second Weight Watchers meeting. I'm happy to report I've lost nine pounds my first week. I'm not going to make this a weekly "weight tracking" blog, so I'll let you guys know when I drop thirty. Until then I'll keep my fat yap shut.
- In Louisville we had two sayings if we wanted someone to shut up. One was "Quit flappin' your dick-suckers" and the other was "Stop runnin' your cock-biters." I can't decide which one I like best; in that sense it's kind of like my inner debate of "camel toe" vs. "moose knuckle". Shit, I like 'em both.
-Speaking of shutting the cunt up, after my first meeting I had to stay after so the group leader could go over the program. Well, thanks to a fuckbit I'll call Talky Talkerton, a fifteen minute debriefing took about forty-five minutes. Every time the group leader would make a statement, this ass-helmet would make a lame joke or hauntingly unwitty comment. I just wanted to get out of there; I refrained from making jokes, and I actually have the occasional ability to be funny. This guy was brutal, just brutal.
-It's going to be tough to lose weight this week with Thanksgiving (which I like to call "Fat Guy's Christmas") as a major roadblock. I have been forced to make two of my near-world-fucking-famous Derby pies. Each pie contains chocolate chips, walnuts soaked overnight in bourbon, a stick of real butter, etc. This is some fattening shit, but maybe the best pie anyone will eat this side of the guy who goes down on Jessica Alba.
-In my job I have to go to two different Home Depots and make sure our products are stocked, displayed properly, priced, etc. On Friday I'll be at one right next door to a Wal-Mart, so I'll have to deal with those cocksucking idiots who line up at six in the morning to save an extra peso on a blender. Sleep in, you unemployable layabouts! I would spend the night in Richard Simmons' hot-tub if it meant I didn't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn on Friday. Oh, and all of the vendors who work for the other companies are off on Friday. My employer is the ONLY one forcing its employees to work the day after Thanksgiving. I now officially, for the record, wish bankruptcy on these fuckers. It worked when I wished it on Organized Living, so I'd better start looking for a new job.
- In Louisville we had two sayings if we wanted someone to shut up. One was "Quit flappin' your dick-suckers" and the other was "Stop runnin' your cock-biters." I can't decide which one I like best; in that sense it's kind of like my inner debate of "camel toe" vs. "moose knuckle". Shit, I like 'em both.
-Speaking of shutting the cunt up, after my first meeting I had to stay after so the group leader could go over the program. Well, thanks to a fuckbit I'll call Talky Talkerton, a fifteen minute debriefing took about forty-five minutes. Every time the group leader would make a statement, this ass-helmet would make a lame joke or hauntingly unwitty comment. I just wanted to get out of there; I refrained from making jokes, and I actually have the occasional ability to be funny. This guy was brutal, just brutal.
-It's going to be tough to lose weight this week with Thanksgiving (which I like to call "Fat Guy's Christmas") as a major roadblock. I have been forced to make two of my near-world-fucking-famous Derby pies. Each pie contains chocolate chips, walnuts soaked overnight in bourbon, a stick of real butter, etc. This is some fattening shit, but maybe the best pie anyone will eat this side of the guy who goes down on Jessica Alba.
-In my job I have to go to two different Home Depots and make sure our products are stocked, displayed properly, priced, etc. On Friday I'll be at one right next door to a Wal-Mart, so I'll have to deal with those cocksucking idiots who line up at six in the morning to save an extra peso on a blender. Sleep in, you unemployable layabouts! I would spend the night in Richard Simmons' hot-tub if it meant I didn't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn on Friday. Oh, and all of the vendors who work for the other companies are off on Friday. My employer is the ONLY one forcing its employees to work the day after Thanksgiving. I now officially, for the record, wish bankruptcy on these fuckers. It worked when I wished it on Organized Living, so I'd better start looking for a new job.
25 Comments:
I made it through a weight watchers thanksgiving by eating on a smaller plate. and for dessert I had a skinny cow ice cream bar and a no-pudge brownie...
Wow! 9 pounds in one week-congratulations! Also, I prefer cameltoe...it owns the cringe factor and triggers the gag reflex.
I think Talky Talkerton is the same douchebag that makes jokes in the elevator where everyone should be quiet.
Oh, moose knuckle. I like that one.
9 pounds is awesome. Weight watchers meetings can be a total bear. My group person was pretty cool, although a little too perky sometimes.
I'm trying to figure out how to get to Vegas in the next 36 hours. Derby pie is pretty close to the top in my list of favorite things. So I either have to fly to Vegas to eat some of yours or kill you for your recipe.
kitty,
I'll be eating whatever I want, but I'll be on WW every day before and after.
claudia,
I thought you, being from Canada, would prefer moose knuckle.
joint,
One of our employees, the one who calls me "Mr. Todd", tried to have a conversation with me in the men's room. I told him to leave me the fuck alone.
sam,
moose knuckle is just fantastic.
shaken,
thanks. I'm eating a lot of Lean Cuisine and Port of Sub.
wuneye,
I'll send you the recipe or post it.
Rockin. Not that I really need to be eating anything like that, either. But hey, it's Thanksgiving. Or Christmas. Or Tuesday. All valid excuses
I don't know what Derby Pie is but your description of it gave me half a stalk.
Can't you go off your diet for one day? Happy Thanksgiving anyway.
There was this assjockey at a place I used to work who would drag out every meeting with his off topic questions, comments, bad jokes, etc. It got to the point where I would sit next to him so I could yell "Off topic" in his ear every time he opened his yap.
Moose knuckle isn't better than camel toe, it's just not as over used. So go with that.
And my favorite slam for mouth is "knob gob". You're welcome to use it.
Hey hon, that is awesome, but again...I don't need to say it do I?
Hmm, Derby Pie huh? I am thinking you need to post the recipe. Not that I cook but I might make that for the fam gatherings that I'm required to attend this time of year.
I need to move away from here, to a warmer climate.
Are you really tying to lose weight?
I suggest an amphetamine habit. But that's just me.
LOL! I have never, ever seen a moose!! Although my cousin kinda looks like one a bit...but still.
Congrats man on the weight loss. That's fantastic news. Losing weight during the holidays is damn near impossible. I just told myself to stop eating earlier than normal. Typically I would eat until I burst. Now I eat so I have to only unbuckle the top button in my jeans.
Happy Turkey Day Todd! Hope you have a good time and I suggest you call in sick on Friday. Make some other poor bastard work.
1. I prefer cock-biter and cameltoe.
2. Congrats on your 9 lb loss.
3. Have you ever read Poundy.com? It's by a chick who did Weight Watchers and made fun of it all the time. She recently published a book, too.
4. Whenever people make jokes on the elevator, I piggyback with a joke about blood or death. Then everyone laughs, because we all hate our jobs so goddamned much.
There is a Talky Talkerton in every group. Kill him for all of us Todd. We'll be your alibi.
wuneye,
I'm posting the recipe.
nick,
(insert American Pie joke here)
steph,
Oh, I plan on going off of it for one day, then back on Friday.
jj,
some people are just mesmorized by the sound of their own voice.
rachel,
I'm posting the recipe just for you.
livi,
my lack of planning is legendary.
Todd, you are such a doll!
Love you!
aughra,
would an amphetamine habit make me one of those happy people? I hate them.
claudia,
it's kind of like since I'm from Kentucky people think I'm a farmer. I've never set foot on a farm.
egan,
you have a good holiday as well. Thanks for the encouraging words.
princess,
right back at ya, my dear.
gwen,
hating one's job is the American way.
brooke,
I'm a lover, not a fighter. Well, I'm not a fighter.
doggrrrrl,
I'll just refrain from eating during the day and drink my points at night. That sounds logical, doesn't it?
I've been saying "Fat Guy's Christmas" and chuckling all day.
I am sure Derby Pie = the 35 flex points you get for the week. No one said that you couldn't use them in one day ;).
Congrats on your loss!! I think it is wonderful!!
Happy Thanksgiving! BTW, right now I would eat Jessica Alba pie over Derby pie...I haven't eaten too much fattening stuff for the week already.
CAMEL TOE
pants,
And the Super Bowl is "Degenerate Gambler's Christmas", at least around here.
wmy,
Some of my best friends are cocksuckers.
Blonde,
I'm with you on the Jessica Alba pie. I'll be fine with WW because I'll go back on it tomorrow. You have a great Thanksgiving. I wish I was going to your house to partake of your top shelf liquor selection; or just your top shelf. Ha.
This may help with the camel vs. moose debate:
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/298532/jokeid/80608
this may help with the camel vs moose debate:
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/298532/jokeid/80608
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