Monday, November 28, 2005
'Tis the Season to Fucking Hate Christmas Music
Since this is the holiday season I'm making the transition from overworked, underpaid retail assistant manager to simply underpaid product vendor, I'm glad I no longer have to answer stupid questions from felch-brained jackabouts so enamored of their own presence in the universe they're absolutely blind to everyone and everything else. But one thing hasn't changed: I still have to listen to Christawful Christmas music. There may be a more annoying genre of music, but I am thankfully unaware of it.

The major problem with Christmas music is there are only about a dozen traditional Christmas songs, and every drool-faucet with the motor skills to hold a microphone has a version of one or more of them. Everyone has a Christmas cd. Ev. ery. One. You know the old dim-witted guy who wanders about your city and had to have the fire department rescue him from the undersized glory-hole at the downtown YMCA? He has a Christmas cd, available at Target for $7.99. The worst thing I've ever heard, and I hear it every fucking year, is a version of John Lennon's So This is Christmas sang by someone other than John Lennon. That is holiday music blasphemy! I think it's someone like Tony Danza or Wink Martindale singing the song. Jesus Cunting Christ, play the original.

The one odd cover I like is of Dean Martin singing Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, mainly because near the end of the song an obviously drunk Dean refers to him as "Rudy the Red-beaked Reindeer". And you just know that after he recorded this time-honored children's holiday classic, he and Frank went out and banged whores two at a time.

In addition to the tired "classics", someone is writing new wretched yuletide abortions set to music. Just today I heard a song called Boogie Woogie Santa. Really, does anyone want their child to sit on the Boogie Woogie Santa's sticky lap? I'm fairly sure the B.W. Santa is banned from every mall, shopping center, amusement park, and Chuck E. Cheese in the country. Also, Destiny's Child did a remake of Silver Bells, only they call it Platinum Bells, 'cause nobody's putting mere silver near Beyonce, Christ's birth be damned.

I wished they'd play selections from the South Park Christmas cd. A singing pile of shit telling the Virgin Mary it's okay to give head is my kind of holiday cheer.


41 Comments:

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I think that just about everyone you mentioned are singing piles of shit. They just need better tunes to sing, that's all.

Blogger Rachel said...

I so hate the holidays!

*sigh*

Blogger Egan said...

I so hate the holidays!

*sigh*

Blogger Calzone said...

Guess what Monkey and the kid did today??? Got a tree..Fuck I'm thrilled.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.

Jingle Bell jingle bell jingle bell rock, that's the jingle bell that's the jingle bell rock.

Blogger Steph said...

Baahah! I just posted the other day about my loathing of xmas music. It is freaking DEPLORABLE! I like to go and complain to the managers in department stores that the xmas music offends me as i'm Muslim. Just another way to amuse myself.

Blogger yournamehere said...

wuneye,
you can't polish a turd.

rachel,
come celebrate Christmas with me in Louisville. The eggnog will flow freely.

egan,
are you mocking Rachel? For shame.

calzone,
was it a soulless artificial tree or a fire-hazard real tree?

egan,
really, I think Shelley Long does a version of that song. Or Shelley Winters. Or Shelley Duvall. One of the fuckin' Shelley's.

Blogger yournamehere said...

steph,
you snuck your comment in on me.

Once I worked at a place that played Christmas funeral music. It was the most depressing shit ever. I wrote a complaint to the general manager using my mom's address and maiden name. I alerted her and they actually called her house. She played along; they didn't change the music, but they did send her a ten dollar gift certificate.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Christmas music makes me bloody insane. Even more insane than when retarded little trolls talk about their nonexistent members on my blog all fucking goddamn day.

Unless, it's Dean Martin. I'm all over anything Dean Martin. I've had an enormous crush on him since I was a teeny, tiny girl. When I was five I realized he and I were destined to be together and we'd marry someday. Sorry, should've saved that last bit for therapy. Oh that's right! I'm not in therapy!
(Sorry.)

Blogger Calzone said...

It's an 8 foot tall gonna burn the house down tree

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
Jesus, when you aren't out fucking someone's dad you're raping the corpse of a beloved crooner. And you know you love it when retarded little trolls talk about their nonexistent members on your blog all fucking goddamn day.

calzone,
A choir singing "Calzone's nuts roasting on an open fire" does not fill me with holiday cheer.

Blogger Egan said...

I wasn't mocking Rachel. Wuneyeddog posted twice and then Rachel had a comment up there. I noticed a pattern and decided to follow it. Without the duplicate comment... the whole thing looks stupid. I wouldn't mock Rachel ever, but I will mock Christmas songs.

Is anyone named Shelley anymore? I loved Shelley Duval in Popeye and The Shining. She wasn't on Cheers was she?

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

You can't polish a turd, but you can polish with a turd. Wait, what?

Blogger Egan said...

It's all good.

Blogger Monkey said...

The tree is a monster. No doubt about that.

old dim-witted guy who wanders about your city and had to have the fire department rescue him from the undersized glory-hole at the downtown YMCA?

I know this guy, but I had no idea he was singing White Christmas in the choir. Thanks Todd! I can always count on you to point me in the right direction.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Exactly...bah humbug. What gets me is the boy band flavor of the week xmas special album. I also hate when people bug me about putting up a tree and lights. If someone would buy the lights and put them up I would decorate. Otherwise I'll pass.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

you can suck every dick in the world and still be a virgin....Mary! It's thanks to you I know this song. Due to your upbraiding, I am both commenting on your blog AND posting a new one on mine. I am eagerly counting down the days until our Bambi walk...as a matter of fact, I am practicing right now.

Blogger Jo said...

Damn people... where's the love and joy? I ADORE Christmas music. Hey Todd, maybe if I give you head for the entirety of the Time/Life Country Christmas Collection you'll change your mind ;-)

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
uh, I was just joking.

eye,
you're making my head hurt.

egan,
word to the mother superior.

monkey,
I'm a dedicated public servant.

evil,
I never decorate. Maybe because I'm too busy keeping it real.

amie,
I remember playing that song for you. I also remember it wasn't anywhere near Christmas.

jo,
oh my god, I'm in love with you. If you give me head, I'll record my own Christmas album.

Blogger katarina said...

We started listening to Christmas music at work on Black Friday. All day, every day. So far, I'm still diggin' it. Dancing around and such. When I went shopping on Sunday morning I sang through Kmart without missing a beat. I give it a week. I'll be sick of it.

Good Christmas song:
Dominick the Donkey
Seriously.

Blogger JJ said...

Don't forget Manheim Steamroller. I think that if they really want information out of the guys at Gitmo they should just play Manheim Steamroller Xmas music 24x7. Seven, hell, they wouldn't last a single day.

christmas music can go to hell. and the people who play the shit the day after halloween can go there too. i'm just not listening to anything other than my ipod until after january 1.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Christmas music sucks wiener.

My personal favourite is that tumour enducing musical r@pe that is Maria Carey's christmas song. I don't even know what it is called as I stabbed myself in the eardrums as soon as that p0rn wannbe crack ho opens her c0me guzzling orifice.

Blogger Rachel said...

LOL, I can't compete with Jo...looks like I've lost out already.

;)

Blogger MsHellion said...

Yo, T. There is a Christmas album that's actually worth two shits. It's called, "Tis the Season for Los Straitjackets" by, of course, Los Straitjackets. I'll give you a copy when you visit this December.

Blogger Blonde said...

I hate that one that is on every commercial...Its a holly, jolly christmas, the best time of the year...

While in Target yesterday, I wanted to grab steak knives and slit my wrists after hearing one line of Jessica Simpson slaughtering "I saw mommy kissing santa claus". Ugh. I thought I ordered you to Shovel Justice her and her family!?!?!?!?

Blogger Übermilf said...

MsHellion, my Lord, I was thinking the same thing! I have said album!

Another I don't mind: Christmas cocktails.

But the genre I hate worse, much worse, than the traditional carols -- new Christmas music.

Dare I mention -- Kenny Loggins? "Celebrate me Home?"

Oh no. I've ruined "Bad Music Thursday" for this week. Just act surprised.

Blogger Calzone said...

if you wish we may mess with a betty tommorrow at 230 EST. Check out Jiggs for details.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
my favorite Christmas song is "O Holy Night" as performed by Eric Cartman.

jj,
They'd admit to things they didn't do.

sandra,
some of these fuckers are hellbent on ruining the holiday season for everyone.

bob,
Mariah should pick a note and stay on it. She can hit notes only dogs can hear. What's the point?

rachel,
QUITTER!!

mshellion,
Cool. It will go with my South Park cd and also my Nat King Cole. His voice is butta.

blonde,
I shoveled the lot of them, and all I have for my troubles is a bent shovel and a series of lawsuits.

ubie,
regarding the Los Straightjackets, I guess great minds think alike. I'll act surprised, because my short term memory has been destroyed by bourbon.

calzone,
I'll be at work, but good luck.

Blogger Rachel said...

QUITTER?

HA! Give me some encouragement darlin'

I was at my neighborhood Vons the other day, picking up my usual week's supply of vodka when "it" happened.

"It" being another thought process that is slowly turning me into my mother.

At first I wanted to think negative thoughts and bitch to myself in my head about "here we go for another fucking month of this horseshit" when I stopped myself. It was actually kind of nice. Kind of relaxing. Kind of put a smile on my face and reminded me of home, and being with my family, and waking up early as fuck to see what Santa brought. Back in the good ol' days when life was so carefree. Yes, for a good 2.58 minutes, I enjoyed the hell out of that Christmas music, and I haven't heard any since.

I'm certain I'll be dead-fucking-sick of it by next week.

And nobody puts Beyonce in the corner!

Blogger yournamehere said...

rachel,
Isn't my undying love encouragement enough?

shaken,
The Dirty Vons on Stephanie and Sunset just has an autistic kid with a megaphone standing in the middle of the store singing Christmas songs.

Yeah, my Vons is a little classier. They just remodeled with track lighting and now there's a butler at the door to hold all your shit while you're shopping.

Blogger yournamehere said...

My new Vons is in Anthem. They have an EMS crew on hand to resusitate all of the old people. They drop like flies. Like flies, I tell you.

does it smell like band aids and vaseline in there?

old people always smell like band aids and vaseline.

Blogger katarina said...

I love when Eric Cartman sings anything.
"In the Getto" makes me laugh so hard, I cry.
Is it Kyle that sings, "I'm a Jew"? That's a good one too.

Blogger Sindy said...

God I love it when you rant. ;o)

Blogger Heather said...

Grandma got run over by a reindeer...walking home from out house Christmas Eve...

hee-hee...now you'll have that song stuck in your head!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Shaken,
as a matter of fact, it does smell like that.
Back in Louisville, in the winter the old people would smell like moth balls, because they'd have their winter coats out of the moth ball-lined closet.

kat,
yeah, Kyle sings "The Lonely Jew at Christmas". Pure hilarity.

sindy,
thanks. I gather from your blog that you're a milf. Congratulations. And what are you doing Saturday night?

heather,
I have a song called "Hey Old Timer" by a band called that dog that will knock any other song out of my head. Of course, then "Hey Old Timer" is in my head, but no system is perfect.

Blogger 太陽˙眼鏡 said...
Blogger 太陽˙眼鏡 said...

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