Thursday, November 24, 2005
The Random Thoughts of a Hungry Man
Question: If I write a post that no one reads, does it actually exist? I know Thanksgiving isn't a big day for blogging, but I have an afternoon Thanksgiving dinner and I'm on Pacific time, so while you guys are stuffing your pumpkin pie-holes, I'm sitting around the house with nothing to do, watching a shitty football game (thank you, Detroit Lions) and contemplating going to the casino to kill some time until I eat.

So, since I have an audience of none, I think this will be a nice time to resurrect my much-hated "Random Thoughts" feature.

-Every Thanksgiving, we invite a Native American family over for Thanksgiving. After exchanging pleasantries and sharing a bountiful feast, we kill the men, rape the women, and infect the children with smallpox. That's called celebrating Thanksgiving old school.

-My last date had an odor problem. In all fairness to her, it should be noted that she was a whore. And dead.

-When I was a kid my dad used to tell me I was Santa's favorite child because I was so jolly and fat. Sure, I'd cry myself to sleep, but I always had a lot of gifts under the tree.

-Whatever you do, never say to a woman "Has anyone ever told you you look like Bea Arthur?"

-I'm a little worried about the bird flu, but I'm even more concerned that these chicken feathers will put a rash on my penis.

That's all I have for now. As usual, no offense intended I love all people blah blah blah blah.


Blogger Calzone said...

I used to do the same thing except we ate the children, raped the men, and just told the women they had smallpox. Then they thought we were nice for screwing them, and bought us all sorts of shit.

Happy Thanksgiving bro.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm allergic to children, and I worry about choking on their tiny bones.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Happy T-day, T. I gained weight just reading the recipe for your pie!

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed shares your fondness for dead whores. This is well documented. Somewhere.


Blogger Rachel said...

At my parents house I was wishing there was some raping and mayhem going on. At least them there would have been something entertaining to discuss.

*sigh* I hate holidays but love you!

Blogger Jo said...

Shitty game? Dude did you not see that beautiful TD the Lions got? It was exciting! It was funny! It was SIX WHOLE POINTS! Woooo Hoooo! One good thing about being from Michigan... our low expectations make us easy to please :-)

Blogger Monalicious said...

I have to agree with jo, it was better than watching a Jets game.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm here for you Todd. I'm stuffed from food and stuffed up from a cold. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

I'm off to drink half a bottle of Nyquil. Good times.

well thank god someone posted something. we ate at 2:30 and i've been bored since.

love the list!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I only had one piece and gave the rest away. Back on WW tomorrow.

you should change your last name from "Reed" to "Zer".

sometimes it's hard to resist the little winged teases.

people rarely request rape and mayhem. And I love you, too.

okay, so I need to start dating someone from Michigan.

oh, of course. Isn't the elephant man's skeleton quarterbacking the Jets now?

I love Nyquil. It's an insomniac's best friend.

glad I could help entertain. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

Blogger Claudia said...

I am so glad that you posted today...*sings* "Thank you for being a friend...."

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Whenever you post like this I think of 'Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy.' Happy Thanksgiving.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Tonight I met a guy who is in Eddie Money's band. How's that for random?

Blogger Nick said...

I think it's pretty funny that when you post things like this Evil Petting Zoo thinks of closet homosexuals.

Blogger katarina said...

Do they have casinos in Louisville? Isn't that where you are right now? I'm corn-fused.

Blogger Steph said...

Meh, we don't have thankswhateveritis in Australia. So pissed that all the cool US bloggers are off eating turkey. Where is the consideration for people on the other side of the world not celebrating this occasion??

Selfish much.

Blogger Bobby said...

For Christmas, we invite a Jewish family over and don't give them presents.

Although maybe it would be funnier if we did.

Anyway, I once bought a basket of "beauty products" for someone with an odor problem, opened it and included deodorant, and resealed it, so they would think it came that way. It didnt help.

Hope you had a good turkey day.

Blogger Dan-E said...

i think you and i dated the same whore... girl. i mean girl.

happy thanksgiving.

Blogger Egan said...

This is the most offensive post I have ever read.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I'm offended that Egan's offended!

Blogger yournamehere said...

are you singing the Golden Girls theme to me? How sweet.

Happy belated Thanksgiving.

I hope you didn't fall for that line. The "I'm in Eddie Money's band" approach is the oldest trick in the book.

Is Jack Handy gay? Do you have any other gossip involving obscure semi-celebrities?

no, I'm still in Vegas. They have casinos here.

Blogger yournamehere said...

yes, Americans are selfish much much.

some people smell beyond the scope of a common deodorant.

yeah, I thought she had a runny nose, but she was just full.

thank you.

yeah, how fuckin' thin-skinned.

Blogger Nick said...

I can't speak to Jack Handy's sexual preference. I was thinking of Staurt Smalley. I totally fucked up my references and then I was too lazy to give a damn.

Maybe Jack Handy liked the cock, who knows.

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