How Can I 'Raise the Roof' Tomorrow When I Can't Even 'Holla Back' Today?

I stayed home Friday and Saturday night, and you know what? It didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was tired from work and Thanksgiving bullshit and wanted to stay in. I watched movies, returned to my oppressive fucking diet, and read the new Al Franken book. I also had time to reflect on past drunken exploits.

I've said it before: I'm the only person in history who ever moved to Las Vegas and started drinking less. It's probably a good thing, though. The Summer of 2002 alone really should have killed me. One morning my friend Wu and I were coming back from a bar that we closed down. I'm in the front passenger seat kind of nodding off, when I realized we've stopped. I look up but I don't see a red light. Hmmm. I look over at Wu and he's asleep behind the wheel! To his credit, I suppose, he didn't swerve or anything; he just brought the car to a rolling stop and started sleeping. That's the kind of thing that will sober you up in a hurry.

Another night my friend Mike and I went to a place where the female patrons would dance on the bar. We decided to do a shot every time we saw camel toe. In retrospect, this was a bad idea. It was kind of like being at Wal-Mart and saying you'd do a shot every time you saw white trash; or doing a shot whenever Dick Cheney has a heart attack. By the end I think we were counting some camel toes more than once, but it was a non-scientific experiment. We stumbled out of there but we were at least smart enough to realize we couldn't drive home, so we walked several blocks to LaBamba's and had their world famous "Burritos as big as your head". Those things could sober up a hopeless alcoholic like Lindsay Lohan, although they would equal her caloric intake for an entire month.

I'm not saying I'll never go out and act a fool again. Hell, it might happen next weekend. Actually, I'm going out Monday night, so who knows. The point is, this happens less and less as I get older. And as much fun as I've had, I would have still preferred to have found that one special woman and settled down years ago, even if it meant never getting a blowjob while leaning against a dumpster or losing a friend forever because her sister showed me her tits. Hey, it was a Mardi Gras party, for cunt's sake. That night I saw more exposed tit than a mammogram. Where was I? Oh yeah, settling down. I just want one special woman....I'm sorry, I can't concentrate. Those boobies are bouncing around in my head right now.