Sunday, November 27, 2005
How Can I 'Raise the Roof' Tomorrow When I Can't Even 'Holla Back' Today?
I stayed home Friday and Saturday night, and you know what? It didn't bother me in the least. In fact, I was tired from work and Thanksgiving bullshit and wanted to stay in. I watched movies, returned to my oppressive fucking diet, and read the new Al Franken book. I also had time to reflect on past drunken exploits.

I've said it before: I'm the only person in history who ever moved to Las Vegas and started drinking less. It's probably a good thing, though. The Summer of 2002 alone really should have killed me. One morning my friend Wu and I were coming back from a bar that we closed down. I'm in the front passenger seat kind of nodding off, when I realized we've stopped. I look up but I don't see a red light. Hmmm. I look over at Wu and he's asleep behind the wheel! To his credit, I suppose, he didn't swerve or anything; he just brought the car to a rolling stop and started sleeping. That's the kind of thing that will sober you up in a hurry.

Another night my friend Mike and I went to a place where the female patrons would dance on the bar. We decided to do a shot every time we saw camel toe. In retrospect, this was a bad idea. It was kind of like being at Wal-Mart and saying you'd do a shot every time you saw white trash; or doing a shot whenever Dick Cheney has a heart attack. By the end I think we were counting some camel toes more than once, but it was a non-scientific experiment. We stumbled out of there but we were at least smart enough to realize we couldn't drive home, so we walked several blocks to LaBamba's and had their world famous "Burritos as big as your head". Those things could sober up a hopeless alcoholic like Lindsay Lohan, although they would equal her caloric intake for an entire month.

I'm not saying I'll never go out and act a fool again. Hell, it might happen next weekend. Actually, I'm going out Monday night, so who knows. The point is, this happens less and less as I get older. And as much fun as I've had, I would have still preferred to have found that one special woman and settled down years ago, even if it meant never getting a blowjob while leaning against a dumpster or losing a friend forever because her sister showed me her tits. Hey, it was a Mardi Gras party, for cunt's sake. That night I saw more exposed tit than a mammogram. Where was I? Oh yeah, settling down. I just want one special woman....I'm sorry, I can't concentrate. Those boobies are bouncing around in my head right now.


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

"It was kind of like being at Wal-Mart and saying you'd do a shot every time you saw white trash"

-either that or everytime someone beats their kid.

Blogger Jo said...

"I would have still preferred to have found that one special woman... even if it meant never getting a blowjob while leaning against a dumpster"

Dude, those two are so not mutually exclusive ;-)

Blogger Steph said...

Nothing wrong with spending a weekend at home. You get to feel all superior and shit on Monday, when everyone else has hangovers.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I'm not saying that getting married ends all the fun, but I've been drunk exactly once since I got married. I'm a cheap date, now, though, I can't hold my liquor for anything. Although, my wife definitely makes for some fun damn times.

Incidentally, I always do shots when I see camel toe. Makes for a little weirdness when I'm hanging out with girlfriends and have to explain why I'm so drunk.

And I realize that was the lamest load of bullshit comment ever, but I can't sleep so I'll do what I damn well please.

I should've taken the Tylenol PM.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I had a friend in town on Friday night, we stayed in and drank at my place. Going out is expensive and to be honest, I'm just not all that interested in the bar scene anymore.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I'm with you Pants. I can't afford to drink out. Except that I don't ever have friends over, so I just drink alone. Okay, just kidding.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm officially against child abuse. I know, I'm Mr. Controversy.

if you're trying to make me fall in love with you, it's working.

my self-loathing makes it difficult to feel superior.

you seem happily married. You'd probably be happier drunk, but whatever.

there is nothing lame about a woman who looks at camel toe and drinks in excess.

I only like the bar scene on special occasions, or if someone is in town, or if I have money, or if I'm thirsty.


Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I don't wake up with hangovers because of being married. I'm okay with that. Of course, no crazy nights since I have to pull ungodly strings to get some time out. And my wife always wakes me up early if I got drunk.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

"I only like the bar scene on special occasions, or if someone is in town..."

Is this part of your evil plot to get me out to Vegas for my thirtieth birthday?

Blogger yournamehere said...

yes, it's such an evil, evil plan. I want you to enjoy your birthday. God, I'm such a bastard.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I go out when I'm in Chicago, I just can't bring myself to go out in South Carolina to search for a decent scene.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

You are too hard on yerself.

Blogger katarina said...

I'm not a bar person at all. I actually prefer staying home. It's nice to go out now and then, but I don't have the stamina to survive a club 2 weekends in a row at my age.

Blogger JJ said...

Drinking too much is highly over rated. I should know, I'm the one who over rated it. Happy Thanksgiving, Todd

Blogger MoDigli said...

I think it's definitely time to say farewell to that glitzy drunken city ... come to the beach and find your woman in California! Even if it's for a weekend, Todd. You know, I bet SD has a lot better dumpsters than Vegas! ;)

Blogger Calzone said...

Last night I puked all over myself!!!!

Blogger Rachel said...

I managed to stay away from the Patron over the weekend. My last party with Patron didn't end so well.

I really don't ever need to taste Patron the next morning again, or behave so stupidly while drinking it.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Generally, I try to find ways NOT to become dizzy and nauseous. Yet I fail.

If you want to feel grateful for bachelorhood, head over to a craft store during the Holiday season.

I went, and regretted being a woman.

Blogger Blonde said...

For cunts sake...classic.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The advantage of getting drunk after you're married is not wondering who the person is laying next to you in the morning.

Blogger Dan-E said...

a buddy of mine and i also tried to do a shot every time we saw cameltoe but we stayed sober. in retrostpect, we should have noticed earlier the bar was all guys. and gay.

Blogger Egan said...

Well said The Real Me.

Blogger Nick said...

Insert somewhat funny but mostly trite comment here.

LaBamba's sounds like my kinda place.

Blogger Rachel said...

"I just want one special woman..."

So, is there like an application process. What is the screening criteria?


Blogger Brookelina said...

For cunt's sake? Really?

Blogger yournamehere said...

The only decent scene in South Carolina is from the rearview mirror.

yes, that's basically the theme of my blog.

I don't think I've been to a club two weekends in a row for a couple of years now.

yeah, I think I know my stopping point. Sometimes, however, I choose to ignore it.

I can't afford to live in SD. I might visit sometime. Oh, and the dumpster in question was actually in Louisville.

Blogger yournamehere said...

always the trooper.

it only tastes good the first time.

well, I'm sure your husband is still glad you're a woman.

I try to entertain.

if it's a person, that's half the battle.

always know your surroundings, my friend.

Blogger yournamehere said...

she has a way with words.

I'm all about the funny but trite.

La Bamba's is the shit. They're open until an hour after the bars close, which is I guess why they don't have any in Vegas; they could never close.

the job is yours if you want it.

yes, really, unless you prefer "For the love of cunt" or "Son of a cunt!"

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

So you've spent some time in SC, huh?

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