Thursday, December 01, 2005
Things Vegas Has Taught Me
Oh, Las Vegas; the London of 'tacky', the Paris of 'artifice', the Rome of 'shit'. Want to see a glitzy, half-ass approximation of actual culture? Have I got a desert locale for you. But living here hasn't been a total loss. I've learned things, important things that have made me a different person. Not a better person, of course, but different. Here are a few Things Vegas Taught Me.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt
Most of the people who grew up here hate it with a passion and will leave the first chance they get. A couple of the cashiers at Organized Living were going to commit felonies in hopes they'd be sent to out-of-state prisons. These were young kids, just out of high school. I can't imagine being under twenty-one and living here. It would be like getting a job as a janitor at a strip club: Surrounded by action, not allowed to touch it.

Fake Tits are the New Natural Boobs
They pass out fake tits like government cheese around here. Some of the casinos will pay for the procedure for their modestly endowed cocktail servers. Well-off parents give their spoiled daughters new cars and fresh mammies for the sweet sixteen. Radio stations give boob jobs away instead of concert tickets. If you save your receipts at participating Starbucks, you can get a discount on breasts that double as insulated coffee carafes. The mayor declared September 12th Fake Tits Day. Yes, they are in abundance.

I dated (and by "dated" I mean I was the transition shag between her ex-husband and the childhood sweetheart she rediscovered on a trip back home) a woman who had implants. They looked good, I'll admit. And saline implants don't feel bad, like silicone; but they don't feel like natural breasts, either. They're always cold. I guess I'm a natural boob dude in a fake tit world.

Locals Who Say They Hate the Strip Are Delusional
I will make an exception for locals who have to work on the strip; going there everyday would be a nightmare.

Sometimes the Strip is the only thing I like about this town. What would Las Vegas be without it? Just a collection of same-looking neighborhoods, shopping centers and car dealerships. It would be...Arizona. Even the neighborhood casinos we locals enjoy only exist because of the Strip. If the Strip hadn't created the frenzied appetite for gambling that dwells deep inside some locals, I wouldn't be able to make the short, relatively-low-traffic ride to the Green Valley Ranch to drink, eat, shop, see a movie, or put ten bucks in the slot machine. The Strip is our friend, people; it's just a really needy friend you shouldn't visit but about once a month, unless you want to be financially and morally bankrupted.

Not Having to Pay State Taxes Gets Expensive After Awhile
Nevada doesn't have state taxes. All right! Sign me up for that great idea. Wait a minute. Are the schools really ranked 49th out of 50? That means that when you take traditionally yokel hilljack states like Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and West Virginia, all but one are still smarter than Nevada. No wonder this city is replete with brainless cornhusks; they aren't being educated.

Okay, so there aren't any taxes to pay for decent schools, but think of the money I'm saving. Oh, shit, I just ran into a jack-knifed truck on the old, dangerous, outdated interstate 15. Now I'm in traction for six months because we don't have state funds to improve our roads and other crumbling public infrastructures.

I'm sure it's taught me some other things, too, but this seems like a nice wrapping up point.


30 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Not that I don't love the material it gives you, but how much longer do you see yourself living in Vegas?

It is I, Advocatus Diaboli. You may know me as Lord Duke Nick Seaman of Queue and Eh? fame.

I come bearing news of a brand-shitting-new interview!

Curse my unfortunate rhyme!

Little Miss Knit gives good interview, come and check it out! Right Now!

If you harbor any desire to ever be interviewed you will come and check this out!

please forgive my shameless spam.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Dude, at least you don't liv in Reno. I hear that place is like a down market vegas.

Blogger katarina said...

Whenever I go on vacation out of the state, we always know when we've hit Pennsylvania because the roads are so horrible.
And we have taxes!

Natural boobs are the best.

Blogger Jo said...

It makes me so smiley when men say they don't like fake boobs :-) You're a gentleman and a scholar!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Fake boobs, nose jobs, etc: It would seem that all the "sameness" would get to people after a while. I mean, if everyone is BIG, SMALL might become the new BIG. Or, horribly misshapen. Or, perhaps they'll start installing whirling disks that shoot off fire crackers and sparklers.

As to the "fake" places: that's what puts me off about Vegas. It's like an adult "Epcot Center." Do you still want me to come to Vegas if I will be planning ways to fire bomb it while I am there?

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
I could live here the rest of my life or be somewhere else by spring. I'm confused.

nick,
I actually commented before you spammed me, spammer.

bob,
the city of Reno is a shitpile, but it's near Lake Taho, which is nice.

kat,
Hooray for natural boobs!

jo,
Oh, natural boobs for me. You are too kind to me, by the way.

ubie,
This is your vacation. I'm simply offering a suggestion. Vegas is a fun place to spend a few days. If you'd rather go to Tibet and acquire absolute enlightenment, by all means do so. If you want to have a good time, come to Vegas.

Blogger Monkey! said...

Major word to everything you said about Vegas below fake boobs. I've never felt up fake titties, having 1) a set of my own natural titties and 2) spending a lot of time in the rural midwest with impoverished lawyers-in-embryo who can't yet afford to buy fake titties. Given I live in SoCal, though, I'm hoping to catch up on this cultural experience.

PS: I will figure out links and add you to my blog, soon, I promise.

The fake boobs thing really is pretty ridiculous.

And I graduated from college here...go me!

Blogger Übermilf said...

My dearest Todd, it appears I have offended thee.

I am deeply sorry. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you and your lustful, sinful town.

I haven't made up my mind where I'm going on vacation; it's a choice between wild debauchery with you, sophisticated debauchery with Dr. Sardonic, or getting some rest someplace uneventful.

Blogger The real me said...

Wait... isn't Todd the poster boy for sardonicism?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

The one thing that put me off about vegas was the smoking. everywhere. there is something about an ashtray in a bathroom stall that doesn't really scream "classy" to me. I didn't really have the burning eyes sensation and didn't realize how awful it was until I smelled my clothes the next day..

But maybe i'm spoiled living in california..

Thanks for the kind words about the interview, and the declaration was a nice touch.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

In defense of Reno...I was born and raised in LV and moved to Reno for school 10 years ago, and dread the idea of moving back. The idea of comparing Reno to LV is ridiculous. The gaming industry in Reno is almost nonexistence, its pretty much here because it can be. Since we are on the I-80 corridor it has made it haven for warehousing, and attracted a lot of major companies to the area, including: Microsoft, Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, Intuit and less we forget IGT was homegrown in this town (and is that areas largest employer with 2000 employees). For a city with a population of 350,000 that's pretty good. For a home you’re looking at prices about $450,000 to $600,000 for your average family dwelling, unless you move to one of the outlying communities. Also, this place is crawling with Northern California money, all those people who made it big in tech stocks in the last 90s moved here after the market corrected. So, whereas LV is peopled with LA transplants, Reno is people with Silicon Valley, Bay Area & Napa Valley yuppies. Bring on the khaki and fleece.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I was in Vegas 3 weeks ago and have to say that it is a very surreal place. Things are either a copy of originals, fake or always on. I guess that applies to both fake boobs and the casinos. ha! I have real ones, my spouse prefers real and I aim to please.
ps. I always have too much fun in Vegas ;)

Blogger JJ said...

First of all, taxes. We have not income tax in Texas but the sales tax is 8.5% so it sort of evens out but you don't have to file a damn income tax form - which is nice.

Secondly, there is nothing wrong with breast implants when done well. The problem is not one of inflation but over inflation.

Blogger Rachel said...

Todd, I'm glad you are looking at the bright side though, recognizing what you've learned in the big, bad city.

I fear I'm not learning much since I live in cute artsy town America and have real boobs.

Hmm...that's ok, I like my boobs!

Love you!

Blogger Anthony said...

My apologies Todd, this wasn't all that absurd or obscene. I was wrong.

Blogger Brookelina said...

No state tax in Florida either, and one of the worst education systems in the country. One more reason for me to get out. You get what you pay for folks.

Todd, GET OUT!

Blogger Shannon said...

You had me at "The Paris of 'artiface, 'the Rome of 'shit.'"

As a local lady with naturally petite boobs, I completely disagree with your assessment of the Strip. Keep me away from the google-eyed, fanny packed tourists who walk as though God never created an intersection and a blinking no-walk sign.

What does it say about me that I grew up with such contempt for this town, left not once, but twice, and yet still returned? ::sigh:: Thank God the liquor store is open 24 hours 'cause I feel I'll need to drown my sorrows all night to forget I'm still here.

Blogger Steph said...

My sister just got back from the US, had a great time in Vegas, lost lots of money but didn't come back with fake tits....maybe if she had of won however....

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I enjoy Vegas a week at a time. I get to be a drunken fool, and it's pretty much expected of me. I'm okay with that.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

Oh yeah, real breasts rule. I used to work in Hinsdale, a really rich suburb of Chicago. It greaked me out, because all the ladies looked identical. They all had the same plastic surgeon, even.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Todd,

The blogfather, Tony Pierce, posted some Alba goodness on his blog.

Check it out. http://www.tonypierce.com/blog/bloggy.htm

Cheers,
Jackass

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey!,
actually, I had been familiar with fake boobs even back in Louisville because of a little thing called strip clubs, but this was my first fakery "girlfriend". When you do feel up fake titties for the first time, please let us know.

shaken,
I love the seventy-year-old women with bad boob jobs. Yuck. And they're forty-ninth as far as grades k-12, so I wasn't making fun of your college. I'm sure it was as good or better than the college I didn't graduate from.

ubie,
I am not at all offended. I just don't want you to mistake my occasional disdain for Vegas the hometown as an indictment of Vegas the vacation haven. I'd love to meet you, but I just want you to go somewhere and have a good time, regardless of your decision.

real,
well, they used my name, but went with a male model for the likeness.

knitty,
I'm from Kentucky, the tobacco capital of earth, so even though I don't smoke, it really doesn't bother me. Where did you stay? A nice casino or club will have adequate ventilation.
I wholeheartedly stand by my declaration.

housekeeper,
you have every right to defend Reno because I have never been and don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I shouldn't do that, because when people who've never been to my hometown insult it, it pisses me off. My apologies. Of course, no guarantees I won't do it again.

little ol',
your spouse is a wise man.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jj,
Texas is also a low tax, low service state.
The girl I briefly dated said she never got past a training bra; that she had no breasts whatsoever. I would have liked her anyway, but I think her fakies gave her self-confidence.

rachel,
you are a wise woman. You've learned plenty. I'm sure I'd like your boobs as well. Love you right back.

anthony,
I was kidding. There are a lot of absurd and obscene things on this blog.

brooke,
everytime I'm about to say fuck it, I have a good time somewhere and I'm drawn back in. Plus, I can't afford to move right now.

shannon,
you are indeed a lovely local lady. When I go to the Strip, I park at Luxor on the south end and walk where I need to go. That way I'm one of the google-eyed. You come back because a hometown is often a powerful thing. Do you think Louisville, KY is the epicenter of the universe? But I think about moving back every day.

steph,
I'm glad she had a great time. So did I when I was a tourist. Every two months or so, I play "tourist" on the strip. It's a hoot, and it keeps me sane.

wuneye,
yeah, Vegas is probably best experienced in small doses.

jimmy,
thanks. I'm always up for Alba goodness.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

I concur w/ the Housekeeper. Reno is quite the undiscovered little treasure town. I lived there for 4 years and had a wonderful time. It's a completely different place than Las Vegas, which for me is actually part of it's appeal. Some of the things I dig about Reno:

1) Everyone is ugly and no one cares - It's nice to walk around in sweatshirts and jeans all the time. You don't even notice anything is weird until you come home to Vegas and realize that you look like a terd.

2) Lake Tahoe, one of the most beautiful places on earth, is only 30-45 mnutes away.

3) Small-town spirit - lots of community pride. (Unlike Vegas).

4) Real seasons, including green summers, brown & red autumns, and snowy winters.

5) Pyramid Lake - spooky fun.

6) Old-school casinos w/ $1 blackjack and $.99 breakfasts.

7) The people are genuinely nice and really laid back.

8) Day trips to Sacramento (2 hours), Napa Valley (3 hours), and San Francisco (4 hours) are always feasible.

So yeah, that was my marketing presentation about Reno. Too bad I'm stuck in my hometown of Vegas for probably several more years.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Oh Cla-Cla-
You are welcome to visit anytime, and now that you are married, free to fornicate in my house.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I stayed at the boardwalk, just for kitch of it all (and a $40 room on the strip) gotta love a casino that boasts the cheapest tables on the strip..

Blogger Housekeeper said...

If you really want to see me freak out pronounce "Nevada" incorrectly.

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer