Things Vegas Has Taught Me

Oh, Las Vegas; the London of 'tacky', the Paris of 'artifice', the Rome of 'shit'. Want to see a glitzy, half-ass approximation of actual culture? Have I got a desert locale for you. But living here hasn't been a total loss. I've learned things, important things that have made me a different person. Not a better person, of course, but different. Here are a few Things Vegas Taught Me.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt
Most of the people who grew up here hate it with a passion and will leave the first chance they get. A couple of the cashiers at Organized Living were going to commit felonies in hopes they'd be sent to out-of-state prisons. These were young kids, just out of high school. I can't imagine being under twenty-one and living here. It would be like getting a job as a janitor at a strip club: Surrounded by action, not allowed to touch it.

Fake Tits are the New Natural Boobs
They pass out fake tits like government cheese around here. Some of the casinos will pay for the procedure for their modestly endowed cocktail servers. Well-off parents give their spoiled daughters new cars and fresh mammies for the sweet sixteen. Radio stations give boob jobs away instead of concert tickets. If you save your receipts at participating Starbucks, you can get a discount on breasts that double as insulated coffee carafes. The mayor declared September 12th Fake Tits Day. Yes, they are in abundance.

I dated (and by "dated" I mean I was the transition shag between her ex-husband and the childhood sweetheart she rediscovered on a trip back home) a woman who had implants. They looked good, I'll admit. And saline implants don't feel bad, like silicone; but they don't feel like natural breasts, either. They're always cold. I guess I'm a natural boob dude in a fake tit world.

Locals Who Say They Hate the Strip Are Delusional
I will make an exception for locals who have to work on the strip; going there everyday would be a nightmare.

Sometimes the Strip is the only thing I like about this town. What would Las Vegas be without it? Just a collection of same-looking neighborhoods, shopping centers and car dealerships. It would be...Arizona. Even the neighborhood casinos we locals enjoy only exist because of the Strip. If the Strip hadn't created the frenzied appetite for gambling that dwells deep inside some locals, I wouldn't be able to make the short, relatively-low-traffic ride to the Green Valley Ranch to drink, eat, shop, see a movie, or put ten bucks in the slot machine. The Strip is our friend, people; it's just a really needy friend you shouldn't visit but about once a month, unless you want to be financially and morally bankrupted.

Not Having to Pay State Taxes Gets Expensive After Awhile
Nevada doesn't have state taxes. All right! Sign me up for that great idea. Wait a minute. Are the schools really ranked 49th out of 50? That means that when you take traditionally yokel hilljack states like Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and West Virginia, all but one are still smarter than Nevada. No wonder this city is replete with brainless cornhusks; they aren't being educated.

Okay, so there aren't any taxes to pay for decent schools, but think of the money I'm saving. Oh, shit, I just ran into a jack-knifed truck on the old, dangerous, outdated interstate 15. Now I'm in traction for six months because we don't have state funds to improve our roads and other crumbling public infrastructures.

I'm sure it's taught me some other things, too, but this seems like a nice wrapping up point.