Saturday, December 03, 2005
The Tale of the Dirty Von's
Von's supermarkets, known as Safeway in some parts of the country, are usually clean and reliable places to purchase edible goods. There is one exception, and it strikes fear in the hearts of all who've ever had the misfortune to enter its dank, dirty bowels. It is located in Henderson, NV, at the corner of Sunset Rd. and Stephanie St. It is...The Dirty Von's.

I haven't been inside the Dirty Von's in over a year, but each time I type its name I'm overwhelmed by the memory of dented cans, surly employees, otherworldly odors, filthy floors, rancid meats, and customers utterly defeated by life. This vortex of shoddy products and incompetent customer service stands as a dying, dimly-lit beacon celebrating all that is horrid and wrong about our consumer culture.

The first time I walked into the Dirty Von's, a voice in my head stated, "Dorothy, you're not at Kroger anymore." I hate when the voice in my head calls me Dorothy, even when he's referencing the Wizard of Oz, but I digress. Oh, how I immediately missed my neighborhood Kroger store, with it's bountiful meat department, convenient snack area, clean deli, and seventy-item salad bar. The Dirty Von's doesn't even have a butcher. If the decomposing flesh on display doesn't suit you, you're out of luck. And if you want a steak that doesn't come with the prefix "cube" or "Salisbury", forget about it.

Another thing that struck me as pathetic was the three people playing slot machines at the Dirty Von's at 11pm. Those lives are as empty as movie theatres when a Ben Affleck film opens. There's a nice casino right across the street, for the sake of fuck. They'll give you free booze while you gamble, morons.

The worst thing about the Dirty Von's was the men's room. I saw a surfer ride a wave of urine out the door and down the produce isle. It was Turkish Prisonesque, this third-world shitter. I'm glad I never had to make a decision between sitting on one of those toilets or crapping my pants. I'd have a much more interesting post; a post in which I write about pooping myself at Dirty Von's. Thankfully, it never came to that.

I shop at a nice, clean Von's now. But there's nothing interesting about that, so I'll see you on Monday.


35 Comments:

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

surfin the urine wave.... ick

Blogger wmy said...

You have such a way with words...I'm telling you, you are definately gonna get rich off this skill!!

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I've never had the pleasure of the Dirty Vons. There's a couple Piggly Wiggly's down here that might match up, though. Maybe we should have a dirty store shoot-out.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

ahh yes the safety of a Kroger can't be surpassed. Be thankful that you only have to sit down for one of your bodily functions...

Blogger Rachel said...

Thanks to Nashvegas I now know what a Krogers is. Otherwise I would be stuck with Albertson's and Safeway references. Neither of which I think are "dirty" here in good ole Helena U.S.A.

Hmm...maybe I need a little more dirt in my life.

You know I love you, right?

Blogger Kath said...

Ahhhh, memories!

Working at VONS put me thru college. Those were the days! I trained at a hell-hole of a VONS but thankfully all the ones I worked at after training were spotlessly clean.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
If I have offended my latest object of lust, I'm sorry.

wmy,
rich off this blog? I'd like to think the real treasure is all the friends I'm making.

wuneye,
I think the reason the Dirty Von's stands out so is because the neighborhood around it isn't bad at all. I've been to groceries in terrible areas that have been much cleaner.

amie,
I miss my Kroger. They have Smith's here, which are owned by Kroger, but it's not the same. No salad bars, the deli's not as good, etc.

rachel,
oh, yes, Nashvegas. Visit the real Vegas and your "dirt in my life" dilema will be solved.

kath,
most of the Von's are clean. This one needs to be imploded and rebuilt.

Blogger The real me said...

So many "ewwww" moments in that post, where do I begin.

Todd, you seriously need to submit this stuff to magazines... you'd make a fortune.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think you should go work at Dirty Vons for about a month and compile stories.

You realize, to me this is a horror story.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Your posts make me laugh each day...thank you for that! I get a new visual every day...each one more shocking than the last. My days would be emptier than Britney Spears' head without your stories (how was that?).

Blogger Shannon said...

Isn't Smith's a Kroger?

Blogger yournamehere said...

real,
do you know any magazine editors?

ubie,
I'm afraid the story would be "Local Man Kills Self" if I worked at the DV. I'd actually pay to see you walk through this store.

little ol',
The Britney Spears reference was good. Next time instead of "head", say "soul" or "space where her self-esteem used to be".

shannon,
Smith's is owned by Kroger, but it's not the same. Kroger's salad bar was a thing of beauty. The only salad bar I've seen around here is the overpriced, disgusting one at Wild Oats.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I feel like I need to shower now.

Blogger Nick said...

I can't believe you said that thing about "all the friends you're making" without busting up laughing.

Blogger The real me said...

If only I did, Todd. If only I did....

Mr. Yournamehere, for some unfathomable reason, I have tagged you for a meme. Please answer asap, you potty-mouthed ne'er-do-well.

Did they recently remodel your Vons too? My Vons is teh roxx0rz now.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
but don't you feel like you need to shower whenever you read my blog, or when I commment on your blog, or whenever you have any contact with me whatsoever?

nick,
please. I was laughing so hard I could barely type the words. Damn, I amuse myself at times.

real,
yes, we could all use a connection.

mary worthless,
since you asked so nicely, maybe I'll get around to it before you're burning in hell.

shaken,
yeah, the Vons in Anthem recently received the full makeover. Too bad the same thing can't be said of the mean old fossils who shop there.

Blogger wmy said...

Yeah, friends, thats what I meant! lol...Seriously, you are a great writer, and I'm not blowing smoke up your ass either...unless you want me too! hahahah

Blogger wmy said...

Btw, what is a meme?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Todd, how did you know I think of you whenever I'm in the shower?

Mary tagged me too, the twat. I already did mine.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

offended me? no, ruined any dreams of surfing? yes.

Blogger Jo said...

Hmmm... I'm not impressed with your dirty grocery store story unless you can confirm that there are cockroaches and rats milling the aisles. Cuz that's the kind of stores I was lucky enough to shop during my 2 years in the Caribbean.

Blogger Ruben said...

My favorite part of this post was the following line:
"The worst thing about the Dirty Von's was the men's room. I saw a surfer ride a wave of urine out the door and down the produce isle.". Absolutely hilarious and creepy to. lol

Blogger yournamehere said...

wmy,
thanks for the compliment. A meme is one of those "answer these questions and pass them on to others" blogger things.

brooke,
you are such a tease, and I appreciate it.

Mary Worth is a hag, and perhaps a Nazi.

knitty,
just surf in the ocean instead of the Dirty Von's in Henderson.

jo,
okay, except this isn't a shanty shack in the middle of an impoverished nation; it's a grocery in a middle-class neighborhood in the United States. There's a multi-million dollar casino across the street, for Christ's sake. Remodel. Clean the toilets. Scrub the floors. Throw the expired meat away.
Other than the rats, did you enjoy the Caribbean?

ruben,
it was like one of those Starburst commercials, only instead of Starbursts it was human piss.

Blogger Jo said...

Oh, I don't mind rats at all. They're cute. It was the vicious human-eating cockroaches I couldn't freaking stand. But other than that, Sint Maarten is most likely the best place in the whole wide world to live. Casinos, completely nekkid strippers, perfect weather, prostitution and drunk driving are legal, bars don't close until everyone's passed out, ganga sold on every street corner. *sigh*... the good ole days...

Blogger katarina said...

I don't think they have butchers in the big grocery stores here. At least I've never had to ask for anything special, so I wouldn't know. I don't eat meat anyway.
I had a point, but I can't find it...

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Dirty Von sounds a lot like a Dirty Sanchez or the David Copperfield, or even the Donkey Punch.

Blogger The real me said...

If I ever come to Vegas and invite you for a drink, promise we won't go near this place.

Blogger cake? said...

Oh, come now. Don't be such a Gloomy Gus.

A smile is just a frown turned upside down!

Blogger yournamehere said...

jo,
legal prostitution and drunk driving are legal? Why did you leave such a paradise?

kat,
even though I've never had any meat cut to order at the supermarket, I refuse to shop at one that doesn't have a butcher.

evil,
from now on, a "Dirty Vons" is when you're having sex and pouring expired milk over your partner's head.

real,
just don't stay off-strip at a place called Sunset Station. If you do that, I might be compelled to give you the DV tour.

cake?,
I hate you already.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Hey Todd, Now that I'm living in San Diego I actually know Vons! We never had Safeway or Vons back home in Cleveland. THANK GOD my Vons isn't a "Dirty Vons" ... Ours is super clean and swanky. It's actually my favorite supermarket in my neighborhood. (Outside of Trader Joe's, of course!)

Back in Cleveland we had "Dave's" and, although most of them have cleaned up their act, a few are still the "dirty" variety. I shudder at the memories!

Blogger The real me said...

You're not inviting me to stay at your place?

Blogger Cladeedah said...

I really hate to be conroversial, but we shop at the Dirty Vons and it's not bad.. Maybe it's improved in the last 6 months?

Blogger n.v. said...

I worship you.

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