I went to the Monday Night Football party at Sapphire strip club. Let me tell you, whoever decided to combine televised sports and female nudity is a fucking genius! The game was a blowout, the music they played during commercials was dreadful, and the emcee wore a god-damn New York Giants jersey; but none of that mattered. I was watching football at a strip club. They had free pizza. The beer was cheap ($3 a bottle in Vegas is rare; in a strip club, unheard of). The women were beautiful, willing to disrobe, and possessed just enough self-esteem to prevent them from entering the porn or prostitution industries. I had two slices of cheese pizza and three light beers, so with my banked WW points, I didn't even do too much damage to my diet. And someone gave me a lollipop that looks like a vagina.
Those things alone made for a perfect evening, but then, to top it all off, I won a raffle and got to get up on stage and take a Seattle Seahawks jersey off of a stripper. I got to keep the jersey, which smells of "Designer Imposters" perfume and titty sweat, and the young lady shoved my face into her boobs, which believe it or not were real. It was funny, because the guy who won the right to take a Philadelphia Eagles jersey off of a stripper was jumping up and down and yelling "WOOOH!" and shit and I just stood there with a bemused expression on my face, almost overwhelmed at the absurdity of it all. It's not that I didn't want to take a jersey off of a stripper; it beats the hell out of not taking a jersey off of a stripper, it's just that I'm not a demonstrative person. I wasn't going to jump up and down with glee; it's not like the University of Kentucky lost a basketball game. That's the one thing that brings me absolute joy.
And I almost forgot: I ran into the stripper that I fondled in front of her husband at a Pearl Jam concert a few years ago. I blogged about it, but I'm too lazy to link to it. The details are in a post entitled "Vegas Things I've Done" if you're interested.
Those things alone made for a perfect evening, but then, to top it all off, I won a raffle and got to get up on stage and take a Seattle Seahawks jersey off of a stripper. I got to keep the jersey, which smells of "Designer Imposters" perfume and titty sweat, and the young lady shoved my face into her boobs, which believe it or not were real. It was funny, because the guy who won the right to take a Philadelphia Eagles jersey off of a stripper was jumping up and down and yelling "WOOOH!" and shit and I just stood there with a bemused expression on my face, almost overwhelmed at the absurdity of it all. It's not that I didn't want to take a jersey off of a stripper; it beats the hell out of not taking a jersey off of a stripper, it's just that I'm not a demonstrative person. I wasn't going to jump up and down with glee; it's not like the University of Kentucky lost a basketball game. That's the one thing that brings me absolute joy.
And I almost forgot: I ran into the stripper that I fondled in front of her husband at a Pearl Jam concert a few years ago. I blogged about it, but I'm too lazy to link to it. The details are in a post entitled "Vegas Things I've Done" if you're interested.
34 Comments:
ohhh, I'm first, I'm first!
What a great night you had! And yeah, I am with you on NOT jumping up and down like you're a 5 year old on xmas morning who just got the train set he'd been wishing on all year!
You're golden, Todd! Golden! :)
That's one lucky stripper.
But seeing as you're part giant, you must've had to stoop over pretty far. Or were you sitting down?
God bless strip clubs and god bless The Eagles getting Cuh-Rushed on MNF. I hate the fucking eagles almost as much as I love strip clubs.
(whimpers with envy as he goes into the bathroom with a Playboy)
I'm so jealous!
;)
Long time reader - first time poster. There is some universal law of DJs/MCs and strip clubs. They're bad here too. Good to hear that decent Americans are fighting back against the pavlovian spastic happy winner syndrome. Infection rates are unfortunately rising here in the UK.
Boys at strip clubs who don't get all "Woooo Hoooo!" totally amuse me. I've seen so many guys trying to act "cool" while women are stripping off, fondling themselves, making suggestive movements with their tongues, etc. and I'm always wondering "WHY are you trying to be cool about it?? Do you think she'll like you better if you're not excited? Cuz dude, she don't like you at all!" But whatever ;-)
Ummm... not that I frequent strip clubs... cuz that would be weird. Okay, FINE... I frequent strip clubs. Sue me.
I was at the Eagles game. What a disgrace.
I would have rather been covered in titty sweat and eating pizza with you :)
did it feel kinda silly? i mean, she is a "stripper" so she would have taken it off anyway...
Congrats on the good night...
Isn't disrobing the stripper against union rules? Taking work away from those fine ladies who pay their dues? You may have the mob after you now, bud.
Damn those Seahawks. Oh, looks like you have a reader that witnessed our Seattle dismantle the Eagles. Yikes.
I love what you had to say about strippers walking the line between prostitution and porn. That's so true. Most strippers freak me out because you can just sense the hate they have for all things. Congrats on your jersey. Now you can move to Seattle with your new shirt.
Todd, did you get a boner while taking her jersey off? How do you control yourself in that situation?
Dena - I wondered the same thing.
I wondered too Dena, but I'm too much of a lady to ask :P
But since it's out there now.... ?
I gave you what you want on my blog.
Does anyone obsessively check back to see if Todd's responded to their comment yet and feel totally deflated when he still hasn't?
I mean, not that I do that... I was just wondering if anyone else does.
mo,
if I'm golden, I'm going to have myself melted down and pressed into coins. I'M RICH!
ubie,
her luck is winning the genetic lottery and walking with a grand a night, not being stared at by me.
shaken,
Sapphire is a classy joint, more saline than silicone. But they probably go bad, too. "I wish I was born with more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!"
kat,
I talked to her. Yeah, she's still with her husband. I think they're alright people, really.
nick,
it was a magic night. And you hate UK, too? Are you running for president and trying to woo my vote?
jj,
you just described my plans for Tuesday night.
rachel,
this place is always hiring.
mad,
I'm fighting the war against the happy winner syndrome all alone, I'm afraid.
jo,
not every action has a motive. I'm not a rah-rah type person. I don't act disinterested - believe me, I'm interested, I just don't make a lot of noise about it. Unless I'm drunk. Three light beers is like drinking a glass of water to me, so I wasn't properly "motivated".
mr. carson,
I'd be richer and less sexually frustrated, but I'm still glad they're around.
blonde,
forget the pizza; don't hog the titty sweat.
knitty,
of course it felt silly. It comes down to I now have a jersey of a team I don't give a shit about, and it doesn't fit me.
mshellion,
but the stripper mob kills you by boobage suffication. Bring it on.
princess,
merely a spectator? There is no god.
egan,
I know strippers hate me because they hate almost all men. They are beaten about the face and torso by the worst aspects of male behavior. The men they like? Franklin, Jackson, Hamilton, and to a lesser extent, Lincoln and Washington.
etaylor,
I've lost 12 pounds as of last Tuesday. I go to a meeting later tonight.
dena, egan, and jo,
I did not get a boner. She wasn't stroking my cock. She was just standing there topless. Plus, I was on a stage with people staring at me. Okay, Jessica Alba...I might have popped one.
ubie,
your blog always gives me what I want.
jo,
no, you're the only one. Thanks, though.
bob,
hell yeah.
Didn't I comment on this one? Where the hell am I?
brooke,
damn it, you made me think I forgot to reply to your comment, which it turns out was non-existent. Well, I'm responding to this one.
Hello, Brooke.
Well said Todd. I sadly have some first hand knowledge on this subject. Generally strippers aren't very happy people. Granted, most people in life aren't cheery fucks, but I think you know what I mean.
There you have it.
this place is always hiring.
this place as in your place, or this place as in the place you were last night?
if it's your place, sign me up, I'll wear a jersey you can take off.
Mama has no words. But she LOVES the fact that you even remember Imposters body sprays. Did you suddenly give her flowers?
egan,
strippers in Louisville would always say "I go to college in Cincinnati." That was their story, like if they said they went to the University of Louisville someone would call them on it.
brooke,
that's the hottest thing I've read in weeks. Oh, I thought you said "cherry fuck". Never mind.
egan,
indeed.
rachel,
of course I mean my place. And when you make comments like that my heart skips a beat, I'll have you know.
kris,
if by "flowers" you mean "a creepy feeling in the pit of her stomach" then yes, yes I did.
Vegas strip clubs sort of freak me out. There's a lot of potential for goodness and evil there, I've seen some scary stuff. It's been forever though, thank god. Never really my seen. I'm glad you got a free jersey and some cheaper beers out of it. There's worse ways to watch football.
I'm too tired to post anything witty. That is to assume I ever have posted anything witty.
Since I grew up in Vegas it's kind strange that I've never been to a strip club, but now that I know there's pizza to be had I might check it out.
I remember that story! No need to link!
And I'd rather smell the titty sweat than the designer imposters.
wuneye,
there are a few tiers of strip clubs. I'd rather go to the upper tier once or twice a year than visit the bottom-feeders all the time.
real,
well, of course you have.
housekeeper,
they had chili dogs and buffalo wings, too.
andi,
you and me both.
Heres my big wooohhh hooooo for your boob face job!!
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