Friday, December 09, 2005
Stupid Fucking Jackasses
Son of a bitch, the jackasses are out in force this holiday season. Why wasn't I born rich, so I could buy the top floor at the Hard Rock Hotel and only leave my dwelling for margaritas at Pink Taco and to scan the center bar for whores? But no, I have to go out among the moronic every fucking day of my life. Let's review the jackassery I've endured, either in person or through the media.

My work-related friend Michelle, who toils at one of the Home Depots I'm assigned to, was insulted by customers right in front of her face. They called her "stupid" in Spanish, which unbeknownst to them she speaks fluently. She smiled and told them, in Spanish, to fuck themselves. I laughed in their faces. I don't speak a word of Spanish, but laughing in someone's face is truly the universal language.
*****
Spending way too much time in Home Depot has lead to my discovery that a good number of construction workers have the habit of spitting indoors; and I'm not talking about a seed from an apple. This is god damn saliva, people. WHAT THE FUCK? Is there, at long last, no difference at all between human beings and filthy fucking animals? I truly believe we're about five years away from people pissing in the corners of public spaces. Did Satan just blow a load in your mouth? No? THEN DON'T SPIT INDOORS. You are about a hundred feet from a door that leads to the outside. If you must, spit there. Of course not all construction workers spit indoors, and I suppose some of the people buying a gross of concrete blocks at Home Depot at six in the morning aren't construction workers, but I know what I see every day.
*****
Some loser is suing Microsoft because his new XBOX 360 has a defect that causes it to freeze up. He's suing them. He isn't returning it to the store for an exchange or refund, HE'S CUNTFUCKING SUING THEM!!! Blogglandians, raise your hand if you wish upon every deity ever worshipped since the dawn of time that your biggest worry in life was an overpriced gaming machine that didn't work. This is a class action suit, by the way, so he'll soon be joined by several other wastes of life who just won't be able to live with the ten machines they already own until Microsoft gets around to fixing the glitch.

When the suit is filed, they need to hunt down every name on that list, line them up against a wall, and shoot each and every one of them in the fucking face. They need to do this on live television. Yeah, I said shoot 'em in the face, and don't even allow them proper burials. Put them in bags and toss them in a mass grave; it was good enough for Mozart.
*****
Mel Gibson's production company is producing a miniseries about the Holocaust. That's an odd choice, since Mel has been widely accused of being an anti-Semite, and his father is a Holocaust denier who collects Nazi paraphernalia. If they wanted a famous Jew-hater to produce the film, they should have tried again to thaw out Walt Disney.

In all fairness, maybe Mr. Gibson doesn't have a problem with Jews. Maybe the reason he practices a little-known form of radical Catholicism that doesn't absolve Jews for the death of Christ is because he likes their church picnics better. Who knows? Just don't be surprised if the miniseries is entitled Just Desserts.
*****
I heard a Christmas song today that was so slowly paced and dirge-like it sounded like the requiem at Santa's funeral. I don't know for sure who sang it, but I think it was Andre the Giant on horse tranquilizers.
*****
This just in: Lindsay Lohan is now so skinny she's moving to Nigeria to become a marathon runner.


37 Comments:

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I heard a whole thing recently on NPR about how people defecate in chain stores, in change rooms, dark corners... icky...

Working in Southern California as a teacher who looks hispanic but speaks French throws my students through a loop, I tell them I don't speak spanish but they don't believe me. It's funny as hell, and keeps them from insulting me to my face.

Blogger wmy said...

Todd honey, you had a bad day didn't you? (here's me patting you on the head )LOL You just need a good old fashioned fuck fest to put you in a better mood...I will be on a plane in the morning! hahahahah

Blogger Nick said...

It wouldn't be Christmas without a good random defecation. I have a banner that says that in my house.

Blogger MadMondo said...

The solution to all yesterday's issues are a gun and lots of ammo. Lots and lots of ammo.

There's only so much pornographic horror you can get from one man, three nails and a crucifix. He must have felt so artistically constrained. A canvas of millions of Jews (forgetting the political opponents, dissidents, handicapped etc.) is far more to his grandeur. The closing scene could be Schindler waking and saying "Thank God it was all a dream" just to keep his old man happy.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Like I once read, the gene pool is in dire need of some chlorine. As for Mel, he needs a club to hs forehead. I am personally disgusted by his attempt to gain respect from Jews and do not think that he will do justice to the reality of what happened. And coming from anti-semitic genetics, I think he should stick with Christianity and let Jews and their history alone.

Blogger The real me said...

Knitty kitty... tu parles en français aussi?

Todd, I have to say that spitting anywhere grosses me out. I mean some of those pools are so big and slimy that you could actually slip and fall if you aren't careful where you step.

All together now.... "EWWWWW!!"

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

My ex-girlfriend was a tiny little white girl who spoke Spanish fluently and surprised people all the time.

The whole spitting inside thing is grotesque. Shoot with the XBOX jackasses. They all deserve bullets to the face. Although the mass grave is a little much, just burn 'em, less work.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I have a client on my caseload who lives in a group home--oddly enough--staffed by Nigerians.

He takes a dump in the living room every morning, but that's just to piss off the Nigerians.

Well, he's also mentally retarded.
No, he really is.

I think the public execution idea is a decent one. Now, where can I buy one of those defective X-Boxes and get a fucking exchange?

Motherfuckers.

Blogger Jo said...

Some of your readership seems to be getting a big weird, Todd. I'd be scared if I were you.

Yanno there's a class action lawsuit against IPod as well. Cuz the screen gets scratched. I'm goint to my lawyer cuz the button fell off my new shirt. Anyone wanna get in on that?

Hope your day today goes better :-)

Blogger Rachel said...

Jo, I'll get in on that since the laces on my shoes broke.

Todd darlin' you absolutely make me giggle every morning. Now if you were only tickling me and not just my funny bone.

Lovin' you!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Germs!

Dirty, low-ranking laborer germs!

I'm going to send you a face mask and some Purell, pronto.

They probably shop at Dirty Vans, too.

Blogger Blonde said...

I deal with construction workers in my line of work all of the time...they are the missing link between real men and ape. They curse in front of me, spit in front of me, and shit outdoors during the work day. I have no love whatsoever for men in construction. If I insulted anyone with that comment, just get over it.

Cuntfucking suing....ah, genius. A new phrase I must steal from you.

Blogger Ruben said...

I think you should hit MEl Gibson in the face with a shovel.

The topic title alone made me spray my computer monitor with Diet Dr. Pepper. Thank you for that.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Jackassery??? Nice. I know someone that stood in line, early in the morning, the first day, for an Xbox 360.....FOR HER ADULT HUSBAND. Do you know where he was? At home. You gotta be shitting me. Or is it shatting me? Anywho...

Blogger FRITZ said...

Queries: Who are the weird readers, Jo? Hmmmm?

What? Like it's news we're all a little touched? We BLOG. Of course we're WEIRD.

That's what makes us COOL.

Blogger Jo said...

Silly fritz... you don't REALLY need to ask, do you? ;-)

Blogger Calzone said...

I hate weird people, but I like pills.

Blogger Nick said...

How can you hate weird people? they're, like, your entire retinue.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Andre the Giant on horse tranquilizers? Swweeettt line!!! I wish I could come up with that stuff! Sounds like Home Depot is quickly becoming the Wal-Mart of home improvement stores.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think "jackass" is the perfect all-purpose insult. I use it all the time. It's even better with the adjectives you use with it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
you do look hispanic, especially in that picture on queue and eh, the one that inspired my lust.

wmy,
just once I'd like a woman to say she wanted to fuck me without immediately breaking out in hysterical laughter.

nick,
don't get a lot of holiday visitors, huh?

mondo,
Mel Gibson should stick to aging cop buddy films.

indie,
thanks for your imput. Mel is utterly shameless, isn't he?

real,
yes, but indoor spitting is a different league of gross.

wun,
I like the mass grave idea.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

yea I've got that Italian olive tone, fools em every time.
glad to know that pictures of me making an ass of myself inspire lust.

Blogger yournamehere said...

fritz,
I hate it when the mentally retarded shit in my living room.

jo,
I'm suing all the makers of pizza and beer because it made me a fatty.

rachel,
you're on vacation and still make my day! You rule. I wish I was tickling you.

ubie,
now, now, I wasn't trying to be classist. I'm as poor as they are, perhaps poorer. If investment bankers spit indoors it's equally gross. I just never see that.

blonde,
feel free to steal as many phrases from me as you like. You get the hot chick exemption.

ruben,
I would, but then he would make a movie accusing me of killing Jesus.

shaken,
you are so welcome. Please don't sue me. Of course, I'm sure you know better than to sue a poor person!

Blogger yournamehere said...

evil,
that guy married his mom, didn't he?

fritz,
yeah, it's hard to believe this blog would attract weird people.

jo,
let's all get along, ladies.

calzone,
I like weird people who dispense pills.

nick,
I think he in reality likes weird people.

cincy,
they play economic hardball just like Wal-Mart.

brooke,
I like to enhance the classics.

knitty,
thanks for not being totally creeped out. You're a sport.

Too much classic in that post to even quote it again.

Blogger katarina said...

Just hearing the words "Pink Taco" makes me giggle.

That's why I don't go to the nail salon anymore. Those Asian girls would talk about me the whole time. As if I didn't know.

I hate to tell you, but people piss in public places all the time.

I'm filing a lawsuit againt Kleenex because not all of the snot was blown out of my nose.

Blogger Lulu said...

I had a friend who used to make drinks we named pink tacos. I loved yelling "Put a pink taco in my face!"

Honestly, LaLohan has gained some weight back, and is now looking quite hot. SHe has a rack again.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Sure you've had a bad day, but when you're feeling down after being beleaguered mercilessly by the follies of the world, remember that for every stupid fucking jackass there's half a dozen complete fucking cunts.

Blogger Sindy said...

"Blogglandians, raise your hand if you wish upon every deity ever worshipped since the dawn of time that your biggest worry in life was an overpriced gaming machine that didn't work."

I dont care who ya are..Thats some funny shit right there! thats The Declaration of .. well being a fucktard. and thats my name for "them".. that are not us. (opposite of fucktard would be??)

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

There is no excuse for spitting indoors. That should automatically land someone on shovel justice.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
you seem to be posting and commenting more, which is good. The blog world is a lesser place without you.

kat,
I know people piss outdoors in public, usually in parking lots during concerts or sporting events. I'm talking about indoors.

lulu,
There's a sign in Pink Taco which reads "Our tacos taste better than yours."

owl,
encouraging words, indeed.

sindy,
I like the way you've changed the spelling of your name to emphasize the sin.

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
you did the ol' comment sneak on me while I was answering other comments.

Yes, no excuses. I guess I've unfairly stigmatized construction workers, but if that's the worst thing I ever do...

Blogger Steph said...

Tis the season alright. Morons around the globe step up their stupidity this time of year.

Congratulations for not murdering the dickheads you came across.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

In college I lived in a co-ed dorm and the boys on one of the floors would urinate in the halls and wipe poop on the walls...but only when drunk.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Jo knows I was just giving her a hard time because I'm a little wierd and defensive about it.

Now I must go take a shit in the living room. Hey, did you know Jiggs was defecating in washers?

What is UP with this anal crowd?

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Todd my Dear, there's NO stopping the Slight of Brain.

have a Vanilla Vod and DC on me...

you fuckng puss.

Love you madly. xo

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