Saturday, December 10, 2005
Little Known Christmas Facts
After exhaustive research, I've unearthed several Christmas facts that are mostly unknown to the general public. Like it or not, here they are.

-On December 26, 1872, Dodge City, Kansas resident Cyrus "Iron Gut" Muldoon becomes the first person to exchange a disappointing Christmas present for something he likes better. Early that fateful morning, Mr. Muldoon makes the long journey to the General Store to turn in the butter churn given him by his sister-in-law. In return he receives a box of ammo and a fifth of whiskey.

-It might look like Richard Simmons' hot tub is full of eggnog, but brother, that ain't eggnog.

-Santa Claus tends to give rich kids much more than their poorer counterparts. What a bastard.

-The lowest rated holiday special of all time was 1993's Kurt Cobain's Suicide-Watch Christmas Spectacular.

-John Kingston of Columbus, Ohio, is the only man in recorded history to give his wife or girlfriend diamonds for Christmas and not receive a blowjob.

-The Chia Pet was voted "Gift of the Decade" by the editors of Cheap Douchebag magazine.

-The "virgin birth" of Jesus was actually the result of Mary's drunken spring break trip to Jerusalem. She took second place in the "wet robe" contest.

-If a guy receives a blumpkin while sitting in an outhouse, that's called a "country blumpkin." (I know that doesn't have anything to do with Christmas; I just found it interesting).

-Elves are former angels thrown out of heaven for having sex with unicorns.

-The average lap of a mall Santa contains over ten-thousand times the germs of a urinal at New York's Grand Central Station.

-People who give me fruitcake are bitches. 'Cause I said so.

-It used to be perfectly legal to pour boiling oil over carolers. Then that meddling cunt Franklin Roosevelt had to change the law.


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

diamonds, she'll pretty much have to.

Luckly for me TFG gives me muffin pans.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

It might not be eggnog, but it's just as tasty.

Blogger wmy said...

My ex was the president of the Cheap Douchebag magazine and yep, Santa the bastard is definatly playing favorites with all the rich bitches! LOL

Blogger wmy said...

ok todd, I have a challenge for ya...go to (its a site where you can make your own short animated movie) and see what you come up with...please please please...I know you will have us rolling on the floor like usual!! good luck and thanks in advance!

Blogger Jo said...

Sex with a unicorn? Definitely better to give than to receive!

Cuzza the horn, yeah? Oh, nm.

Blogger MadMondo said...

FDR might have taken the boiling oil option away but can't you just shoot them if you live in Florida?

Blogger FRITZ said...

Knitty: I was JUST thinking of that Family Guy episode...
Holy Hell, Todd. While you might be destined for a Lake of Fire yourself, you and Kurt can sit up all night laughing your asses off.

Because you're wrong, and that makes you funny. You're just WRONG.

However, the insightful critique of Santa's gift giving and his lap make me question the ethics of the old dude. I mean, c'mon. Fat man, red suit, sitting around with children?

Fucking pedophile.

Blogger Sindy said...

blumpkins? really.. that tripped me up.

"Santa" is a Freak. What are people thinking about anyway?

.. blumpkins... did you make that up?

Blogger yournamehere said...

shit, if I spring for a muffin pan, she better step up to the mic.

that answer actually shocked me for a second. I envy your husband.

my cheap old computer won't allow me to download a flash player, so I can't see that site, let alone make a film. Sorry.

And your ex wrote a long article about you in Cheap Douchebag magazine. You should sue.

apparently there's only one unicorn, and its dance card is pretty full. I don't know if the horn is utilized.

not if they're singing CHRISTMAS carols, because of the whole religious right connection. You can shoot inner-city kids selling chocolate bars door-to-door.

I enjoy your comments more and more each day.

I didn't invent the word "blumpkin". Please don't think any less of me.

Blogger Shannon said...

Santa's such a fuckwad. He hasn't given me jackshit for over a decade.

Blogger katarina said...

One of you insane people told me what a blumpkin was once. I can't remember what it was now.

Think of how much money you could make on eBay scraping the inside of Richard Simmons' hot tub.

Next time carolers come to your house, go stand out there with them and stare at your house, singing as loudly and badly as possible. They'll leave.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

It sounds like someone needs a Christmas hug!

C'mere, snugglepuss! Plant one on me!

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

That Richard Simmons line made me laugh so much! I'm like Homer Simpson is about monkeys when it comes to Richard Simmons.

Blogger aughra said...

Wet robe!


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

if a man buys me muffin pans he can expect one thing... muffin pans to the face.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Santa can kiss my ass then.

good idea on the carolers. Bad idea on the scraping Richard Simmons' hot tub.

you called me snugglepuss. I'm all giddy now.

Richard Simmons should be arrested for the shorts he wears.

she filled out that robe nicely, according to Biblical historians.

touchy. How about a muffin pan filled with diamonds?

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

"Elves are angels thrown out of heaven for having sex with unicorns." I've always suspected that but I didn't want to be the one to say it. Check your mail dude.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

now were talkin

Blogger wmy said...

Alright everybody...lets start a fund to buy todd an new computer so he doesn't have to suffer with the crappy one that he has!!

Blogger FRITZ said...

Wait...are we to assume Richard Simmons has a PENIS?

I thought he was like an angel down there. Oh, God. My whole perception of life and obese women has been rocked.

I'm considering drug abuse.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I have a picture of Richard Simmons in my cubicle. He's so dorky I almost kinda like him. I think it's his jazzy dolphin shorts.

I posted a picture of my club foot for you.

Blogger Rachel said...


Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Diamonds and no blow job? I wonder what perfume is supposed to get you ... a quick reach around?

Blogger Brookelina said...

I'm never getting in a hot tub again.

Blogger The real me said...

Imagine Richard Simmons in a Santa suit asking all the elves to get movin' on his lap!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'll say it. I'll take the heat, man.

anything to appease you.

I don't need a new computer, but thanks for the thought.

the less I think about Richard Simmons' junk, the better I am.
I recommend the drug abuse.

thanks for the pics. I think.

hug me like you mean it, babe.

perfume gets me a nice-smelling person who won't have sex with me.

well, there's another of my fantasies shot to hell.

I will not imagine that. You can't make me.

"Elves are former angels thrown out of heaven for having sex with unicorns."

Oh the mental picture after all the elves and unicorns I've seen today (watched Narnia and Lord of the Rings). I'm a fucking booknerd, but I have a nice mouth.

Blogger yournamehere said...

a nice mouth, and beautiful eyes.

Why thank you, dearest.

Blogger Dennis! said...

Ok ok ok, I'll bite... what's a "blumpkin"?

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

I gave Santa (or was it Satan?) the pre-gift blowjob and I didn't even get the muffin pan. A Swiffer and some dirty red briefs. And has anyone seen my soul?

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Hot Tub = Semen Cappuccino

beware the gym and hotels

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