After exhaustive research, I've unearthed several Christmas facts that are mostly unknown to the general public. Like it or not, here they are.
-On December 26, 1872, Dodge City, Kansas resident Cyrus "Iron Gut" Muldoon becomes the first person to exchange a disappointing Christmas present for something he likes better. Early that fateful morning, Mr. Muldoon makes the long journey to the General Store to turn in the butter churn given him by his sister-in-law. In return he receives a box of ammo and a fifth of whiskey.
-It might look like Richard Simmons' hot tub is full of eggnog, but brother, that ain't eggnog.
-Santa Claus tends to give rich kids much more than their poorer counterparts. What a bastard.
-The lowest rated holiday special of all time was 1993's Kurt Cobain's Suicide-Watch Christmas Spectacular.
-John Kingston of Columbus, Ohio, is the only man in recorded history to give his wife or girlfriend diamonds for Christmas and not receive a blowjob.
-The Chia Pet was voted "Gift of the Decade" by the editors of Cheap Douchebag magazine.
-The "virgin birth" of Jesus was actually the result of Mary's drunken spring break trip to Jerusalem. She took second place in the "wet robe" contest.
-If a guy receives a blumpkin while sitting in an outhouse, that's called a "country blumpkin." (I know that doesn't have anything to do with Christmas; I just found it interesting).
-Elves are former angels thrown out of heaven for having sex with unicorns.
-The average lap of a mall Santa contains over ten-thousand times the germs of a urinal at New York's Grand Central Station.
-People who give me fruitcake are bitches. 'Cause I said so.
-It used to be perfectly legal to pour boiling oil over carolers. Then that meddling cunt Franklin Roosevelt had to change the law.
-On December 26, 1872, Dodge City, Kansas resident Cyrus "Iron Gut" Muldoon becomes the first person to exchange a disappointing Christmas present for something he likes better. Early that fateful morning, Mr. Muldoon makes the long journey to the General Store to turn in the butter churn given him by his sister-in-law. In return he receives a box of ammo and a fifth of whiskey.
-It might look like Richard Simmons' hot tub is full of eggnog, but brother, that ain't eggnog.
-Santa Claus tends to give rich kids much more than their poorer counterparts. What a bastard.
-The lowest rated holiday special of all time was 1993's Kurt Cobain's Suicide-Watch Christmas Spectacular.
-John Kingston of Columbus, Ohio, is the only man in recorded history to give his wife or girlfriend diamonds for Christmas and not receive a blowjob.
-The Chia Pet was voted "Gift of the Decade" by the editors of Cheap Douchebag magazine.
-The "virgin birth" of Jesus was actually the result of Mary's drunken spring break trip to Jerusalem. She took second place in the "wet robe" contest.
-If a guy receives a blumpkin while sitting in an outhouse, that's called a "country blumpkin." (I know that doesn't have anything to do with Christmas; I just found it interesting).
-Elves are former angels thrown out of heaven for having sex with unicorns.
-The average lap of a mall Santa contains over ten-thousand times the germs of a urinal at New York's Grand Central Station.
-People who give me fruitcake are bitches. 'Cause I said so.
-It used to be perfectly legal to pour boiling oil over carolers. Then that meddling cunt Franklin Roosevelt had to change the law.
25 Comments:
diamonds, she'll pretty much have to.
Luckly for me TFG gives me muffin pans.
It might not be eggnog, but it's just as tasty.
ok todd, I have a challenge for ya...go to dfilm.com (its a site where you can make your own short animated movie) and see what you come up with...please please please...I know you will have us rolling on the floor like usual!! good luck and thanks in advance!
Sex with a unicorn? Definitely better to give than to receive!
Cuzza the horn, yeah? Oh, nm.
FDR might have taken the boiling oil option away but can't you just shoot them if you live in Florida?
blumpkins? really.. that tripped me up.
"Santa" is a Freak. What are people thinking about anyway?
.. blumpkins... did you make that up?
knitty,
shit, if I spring for a muffin pan, she better step up to the mic.
housekeeper,
that answer actually shocked me for a second. I envy your husband.
wmy,
my cheap old computer won't allow me to download a flash player, so I can't see that site, let alone make a film. Sorry.
And your ex wrote a long article about you in Cheap Douchebag magazine. You should sue.
jo,
apparently there's only one unicorn, and its dance card is pretty full. I don't know if the horn is utilized.
mondo,
not if they're singing CHRISTMAS carols, because of the whole religious right connection. You can shoot inner-city kids selling chocolate bars door-to-door.
fritz,
I enjoy your comments more and more each day.
sindy,
I didn't invent the word "blumpkin". Please don't think any less of me.
It sounds like someone needs a Christmas hug!
C'mere, snugglepuss! Plant one on me!
That Richard Simmons line made me laugh so much! I'm like Homer Simpson is about monkeys when it comes to Richard Simmons.
Wet robe!
Hee.
if a man buys me muffin pans he can expect one thing... muffin pans to the face.
shannon,
Santa can kiss my ass then.
kat,
good idea on the carolers. Bad idea on the scraping Richard Simmons' hot tub.
ubie,
you called me snugglepuss. I'm all giddy now.
bob,
Richard Simmons should be arrested for the shorts he wears.
aughra,
she filled out that robe nicely, according to Biblical historians.
knitty,
touchy. How about a muffin pan filled with diamonds?
now were talkin
Alright everybody...lets start a fund to buy todd an new computer so he doesn't have to suffer with the crappy one that he has!!
Wait...are we to assume Richard Simmons has a PENIS?
I thought he was like an angel down there. Oh, God. My whole perception of life and obese women has been rocked.
I'm considering drug abuse.
I have a picture of Richard Simmons in my cubicle. He's so dorky I almost kinda like him. I think it's his jazzy dolphin shorts.
I posted a picture of my club foot for you.
*hug*
Diamonds and no blow job? I wonder what perfume is supposed to get you ... a quick reach around?
I'm never getting in a hot tub again.
Imagine Richard Simmons in a Santa suit asking all the elves to get movin' on his lap!
evil,
I'll say it. I'll take the heat, man.
knitty,
anything to appease you.
wmy,
I don't need a new computer, but thanks for the thought.
fritz,
the less I think about Richard Simmons' junk, the better I am.
I recommend the drug abuse.
pants,
thanks for the pics. I think.
rachel,
hug me like you mean it, babe.
cincy,
perfume gets me a nice-smelling person who won't have sex with me.
brooke,
well, there's another of my fantasies shot to hell.
real,
I will not imagine that. You can't make me.
"Elves are former angels thrown out of heaven for having sex with unicorns."
Oh the mental picture after all the elves and unicorns I've seen today (watched Narnia and Lord of the Rings). I'm a fucking booknerd, but I have a nice mouth.
andi,
a nice mouth, and beautiful eyes.
Why thank you, dearest.
Ok ok ok, I'll bite... what's a "blumpkin"?
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