Wednesday, December 14, 2005
"Crack Encounters of the Ass Kind"
Well, my sense of decency is a thing of the past, thanks to Home Depot and its clientele. Was Tuesday Don't Wear a Belt and Show Your Nasty, Hairy Man-Crack Day in the state of Nevada? Every aisle I went down, everywhere I turned, I encountered some dude bending over and exposing at least half of his butt crack. I saw more hairy ass than Tom Cruise's cock.

The store wasn't open ten minutes when I was first assaulted. I had been there since five a.m. and was ready for a Starbucks break when a man sitting at the special orders desk decided to give me a turd's-eye view of his internal organs. It was just a split second before I turned away in disgust, but I think I saw Lemmywinks the South Park hampster trying to escape his rectal prison.

When I came back from Starbucks, I was making signs for some of the products my company represents when a man very politely said "Excuse me, sir." He then bent over right in front of me to look at drywall tools and I thought about knocking him unconscious so I could turn him in to the Weekly World News and collect their reward for capturing Bigfoot. Ugh. I had a glass of water for lunch, I was so repulsed. The sight of his hairy ass-taco means I won't be eating Mexican food for months.

So, not only do I have to put up with customers using the floor as their own private spittoon, now I have to worry about being traumatized by idiots who have never heard of an invention called the belt. I love the belt. Thank god for it. You see, being a guy with a big stomach and no butt, I would be a prime candidate for "crack-showin' man" if not for the wondrous belt. It holds my pants up, you see, so no one has to be exposed to my pale white bootay. Too bad the miracle known as "belt" hasn't made it to Las Vegas yet. I swear I'm going to carry around a pocketful of pennies and put one in every 'slot' I see.


27 Comments:

Blogger Claudia said...

Wow, I wonder what would happen if you hit the jackpot...btw, please promise me there will be no more talk of Tom Cruise's cock..*barf*

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

my dad used to have a job similar to yours, he would be in home depot after it closed, setting up displays and whatnot.
He only tolerated it because there were no customers and they blasted (what he considered) good music.

Which is kind of weird, being that this city is so fitness-obsessed and all.

I just don't understand why some heavier men can't seem to buy pants that actually fit around their bellies. Is it really that hard? Must you wear pants that you can only squeese around your hips and tuck under your bellies?

How do they not feel the breeze on their crack? Do they not know they are mooning the universe? Do they care?

Blogger yournamehere said...

claudia,
oh, I didn't think about hitting the jackpot. Don't want any part of that payoff.

knitty,
I work there while the store is open, but I don't have to help customers. In fact, I'm discouraged from offering any construction advice.

shaken,
of course pants that fit over a belly can be purchased. I don't have the world's largest stomach, but it's certainly not flat, and I manage to cover it up.

I believe that some of them are unaware, and the others just don't give a shit.

Some of the employees at the Pecos store are really cool, but at the Eastern store I see a lot more female cleavage and much less man-crack. So Eastern wins.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

cleavage beats man-crack every time.

Maybe home depot could start selling belts... or suspenders.. anything to keep that ass covered..

Blogger Rachel said...

Duly noted, no showing Todd booty crack when I bend over.

;)

Love, love, lovin' you!

Blogger Nick said...

I am pro-belt too. Also, pro gay jokes about Tom Cruise.

Sorry I've been such a shit-ass lately, dogging on The Pixies and, you know, your mom.

Also, there was a comment on your last post from someone named Slutbag. You draw the best crowds. Did you see where Slutbag was from? Quality.

Blogger Egan said...

I love belts too. I don't understand the no belt thing, but maybe it's because the buckle rubs uncomfortably up against the navel.

As Nick said, bring on the gay Cruise jokes.

P.S. I saw Jessica Alba on an episode of 90210 tonight. On this episode she gave up a baby for adoption. Who knew she would become such a hero from that 90210 stint.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
I should get a staple gun and fasten their pants to their upper hips.

rachel,
no, no, no. If you bend over in front of me, I can't be held responsible for my actions.

nick,
Tom Cruise is a buccaneer of the anal waterways.
And Slutbag is my new favorite blogger. Sorry, I'm throwing everyone under the bus for Slutbag.

egan,
damn, I'd like to see that episode. She talked about it in an interview. It freaked her out because at the time she was actually a teenager and the cast were all well into their thirties. Also, she wasn't allowed to make eye contact or address the cast off camera. She could buy and sell the lot of them now.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, Jessica had about two minutes of screen time. She was supposed to be a pregnant 16 year-old that hid her pregnancy from her parents. Kelly found the baby outside in an alley and tried to convince Jessica's character to keep the baby. She didn't and the baby got put up for adoption. Jessica looked pretty damn hot even that young, but I felt dirty.

While watching an rerun of 90210 last week, there was another guest appearance. The character's name was Barry Larson and he was a professional golfer. Yep, it was Barry Bonds, Tom Cruise's lover.

Blogger wmy said...

Why, those rotten sonsabitches!!!Where are they? Lemme atta em!! How dare those bastards offend your delicate sensibilities like that!! hahahahahah

Blogger wmy said...

BTW, I pissed my self again from reading your post...too bad I didn't have a sink handy huh? You sooooooo funnyyyyy...ooooohhhhhh you sososososo funnnnnyyyyy!!(That is supposed to be said in a kind of asian accent k?)LOL

Blogger katarina said...

What did you expect from the Home Depot? All plumbers and construction workers. My guess is that a belt is not very comfortable when you're crawling around in dirt all day. But they should keep one in the car in case they go in public.

Blogger AWE said...

I think it has something to do with denial. They don't want to admit that the Medium shirt won't fit anymore, when they should actually be wearing XXXL. I see this crap(sorry) all the time and I wonder how they couldn't know.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

I have to remember to not read your blog when I'm eating breakfast. Ick.

Blogger Egan said...

I love ass cracks. You passed up on the overused joke "I didn't know crack was legal in Vegas". Maybe next time.

Blogger Calzone said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, I'm sure your ass is fine.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I will never eat or drink again when I am on this blog. You would think after all this time I'd have learned that by now.

Blogger Rachel said...

You know, I was going to make some crude comment about slots and bending over and the word "mine" thrown in there somewhere but I just don't think I have it in me (no pun intended) to be that crude tonight. ;)

I am sorry I missed your call today. I hope you got my message and feel free to call me tonight if you want, doesn't matter how late. I could actually use a good call from a friend.

Love and miss you hon!

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

What kind of prizes do you get if you hit one of those jackpots? A big steaming pile?

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
don't ever feel dirty where Jessica is concerned.

wmy,
aren't you a little young to have bladder control problems?

kat,
I think most of them were just crack-showin' do-it=yourselfers.

awe,
some people don't want to pay the extra two dollars for xxl.

amie,
yeah, be more careful.

egan,
I should edit it and add that joke. That's comedy gold.

calzone,
it's almost albino, dude.

brooke,
for a teacher, you're a slow learner.

rachel,
if you passed up that joke, you must not be okay. Hope you feel better.

wun,
I'm thinking so.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I think it's time we do a 90210 intervention with Egan. Are you in?

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Wait a minute ... big gut and no ass?? Maybe I was in your store ......

Blogger Egan said...

Pants, I take it you don't want to hear about tonight's episode of 90210 where Jessica's character took back her baby from the gay adoptive parents and then gave it back after Kelly changed her mind about gay fathers.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I can't believe I didn't comment on this post.

That was damn funny. I think I laughed so hard Dilf started reading it, too, so then I didn't get a chance to comment.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Your description is so perfect it's singed my retinas from within.

Guess I'll be seeing less of that first um, hand.

Blogger FRITZ said...

My boyfriend has a Buddha belly and a vast array of belts.

I just wish I had no ass.

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