Saturday, December 17, 2005
I'm pretty sure I have SARS or the West Nile Virus or Ebola or Lupus or something; I feel like shit warmed over. Despite my soon-to-be-fatal illness, I got up early today and went to the Nevada Department of Motor Vehicles, Henderson branch. Oh, the Henderson DMV; it's like Disneyland for fans of incompetent government bureaucracy and people who rarely bathe.

The Henderson DMV parking lot might be the worst one ever designed by humans. Seals at Sea World-San Diego designed one that was a little bit worse, but that really doesn't count. There are over twice as many parking spaces "reserved for staff" as there are for the general public. In fact, I was reading a "Reserved for Staff" sign, incredulous at the fact that there were acres of parking I wasn't allowed to use, when I ran right over an orange road cone. That's right, I committed a moving violation IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES PARKING LOT. Damn, I had gone all this time without running into all of the douchebags who pull out in front of me on a daily basis, and now I hit something stationary at a place crawling with state police and others who would delight in suspending my license. So what did I do? I got out of my car, pulled the mangled cone from underneath, and got the hell out of there before anyone noticed. I parked in a lot about a block away and walked to the DMV, just in case someone had jotted down my license plate number.

Surprisingly, it wasn't that crowded. It was a little understaffed as a final "fuck you" for having all of those employee parking spaces, but I've seen it a lot worse. The reason I was there, however, was because of their stupidity. My license was supposed to be good until January 11, 2009; but they had it expiring on November 1st of this year. So I've been cruising about the Vegas valley with an expired license for the last month and a half.

The lady who waited on me was very helpful. She extended my expiration date until September 24, 2009 (my birthday) and of course waved all renewal fees. Then the magic ended: I had to get a new driver's license photo.

No one at the Henderson DMV knows how to take a picture. It seems to be a problem for them. The last time they told me I was too tall and made me hunch over until the resulting photo made me look like a neckless freak. It looked like my head rested on a pivoting base. This time around they said they were getting glare from my glasses and made me take them off.

I now own a photo ID that looks NOTHING like me. I'm glasses-less, tired, sick, and have a look of utter disdain on my face regarding their poor photography skills. My own mother wouldn't recognize this photo. I'm glad I'm way beyond the "getting carded" stage or I wouldn't be able to get in any bar in the country.


Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I think the "for staff only" parkind spots are pretty standard issue at DMVs. They're almost daring people to try and park there and see if they can get out just in time to see the tow truck pulling away. At the DMV near my place, half of the remaining public parking spaces are handicap.

Blogger Rachel said...

I have never actually heard of anyone committing a moving violation in the DMV parking lot - that is too funny honey.

I hope you feel better soon babe and if there's anything I can do just let me know.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

i would send you vietnamese chicken noodle soup if i could.

There should be an internet hall of fame for shitty dmv photos.. chances are there probably already is one, but i'm too lazy to find out.

Blogger Egan said...

Get well soon and happy HNT.

omfg, I hate the Henderson DMV...omfg, do I ever hate that place with an undying passion.

I'm sorry for your experience, I can relate.

I, on the other hand, have lived in fabulous Las Vegas for 5 years and still have an Alaska ID for multiple reasons...most of those reasons pertaining to why the Henderson DMV can suck an ass.

Blogger Ruben said...

My mom is a major germaphobe so I will have her send you some of her stock pile of antibotics and other medications. lol

Blogger Brookelina said...

My picture is worse. Trust me.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I think there are four actual parking spaces at the Henderson DMV. They want to cover their asses in case every handicapped person in th county shows up at once.

other than flying here with a bowl of soup and a tight-fitting nurse's outfit, I can't think of anything. Thanks for the well-wishes, babe.

too bad photos in a row for me, and I mean really bad. I'd own that hall of fame.

I'm actually fully clothed because I'm freezing, but thanks.

someone who knows my pain. How did you manage to keep your Alaskan ID? My last Kentucky ID was the best picture ever taken of me. Seriously, I know I'm not much to look at, but this picture actually looked better than I do in person. It wasn't much, but it was something. When they told me I couldn't keep it I died a little inside.

send me a narcotic care package.

it MIGHT be worse as in it makes you look worse than you do in real life, but since I'm already dubious looking to begin with, I would say my photo is less attractive.

Blogger The real me said...

Taking crappy driver's license pictures is something they teach at DMV schools everywhere. Now that we are not allowed to smile for passport photos, the DMV people have offered to train the passport people.

Pretty soon, when police stop anyone for a moving violation, they will need a DNA sample to properly ID anyone because no one's picture will look anything like them!

Blogger wmy said...

I feel for ya...going to the Grand Rapids Michigan DMV is like descending to the 7th level of hell...really, they have horns and everything!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I loathe the DMV. I'm quite certain it's a portal to hell. The last time I went to the DMV I mistakenly made eye contact with an old lady, probably around seventy. She started cursing like she had turrets, fuck this, goddamn cock suckers that. She really freaked me out.

I just kept it! Why would I not?

Who told you that you had to get rid of yours?

Blogger aughra said...

My picture is from five years ago. I have red hair ad super short bangs and thicker eyebrows and a mole on my face. And weigh more.

Now, no mole, weigh less, blonde, totally different. Sometimes I still get carded.

Yourname, I'm high. Sorry I took up your comments with this rambling.

lol, aughra pwnz.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

What's great about my drivers license is that it expires in 2032 (I got it in 1989) and it has no photograph on it as we didn't need one back then. My passport photo on the other hand makes me look like an eastern european sex slave trader/mafia hit man/mental patient.

Blogger Nick said...

I have six drivers licenses in my wallet. Ask me why.

The answer is: I don't know.

I have every one since I started driving, I have lost my wallet on two occasions and had to get a new one and then, subsequently, found my wallet. So now I have six. Four of them are valid.

I wish I was high.

Blogger yournamehere said...

my own mother wouldn't recognize me from this photo.

wow, horns? They really go the extra mile.

a guy in front of me spoke a language only known by five other people on earth, four of whom are in his immediate family. The poor clerk was bamboozled.

those inept Nazis at the Henderson DMV took my old ID, saying it was illegal to have more than one. They did that to others, too; it's not like they singled me out.

oh, like my comments section is pristine and holy. Please feel free to comment while high anytime you please.

aughra is great. You should check out her site.

I would kill to look like an eastern european sex slave trader. I would be neck-deck in Las Vegas gals.

aughra needs to share her weed.

I don't think Kentucky takes your old ID away, either. Nevada apparently does, but has a "Shaken Exemption" of some sort.

Blogger Rachel said...

Bowl of soup and a nurses outfit coming up!


Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

They deliberately design DMV parking lots as poorly as possible.

I'm sorry you're sick.

Nick is an asshole.

I'm never giving mine up! NEVER, I say! lol, why didn't you just lie and tell them you lost it?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm still waiting.

you and nick and your wacky monkeyshines.

well, I didn't think they'd take it away or I would have lied.

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