Friday, December 30, 2005
Worst. Club. Ever.
I spent the last few days with my family in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. It is billed as the Gateway to the Smokey Mountains, but it's truly the Portal to Hell itself. The traffic in this Hillbilly tourist trap is so bad it takes about an hour to go five miles. Imagine Las Vegas as designed by Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel. Pigeon Forge, the horrid town on the way to Gatlinburg, is merely a five-mile stretch of miniature golf courses, knick-knack souvenir shops, go cart tracks, and pancake houses. The hillbillies love them some pancakes.

On the way to Tennessee we stopped to eat at a Cracker Barrel restaurant. It totally fucked my diet up. The food at the Barrel would make Lindsay Lohan put on the pounds. I had a choice between Uncle Fucker's Plowman's Platter or Auntie Cunt's Coronary Casserole. I don't even think I digested that food; I shat it out as soon as the plate was empty.

My cousins and I went to what was, without a doubt, the Worst. Club. Ever. It was called the Party Hut, and I should have known "Hut" is a buzz-word for all things sucky. Can you get an authentic Sicilian slice at Pizza Hut? No, you cannot. And you can't party properly at Party Hut, either. They had the gargantuan nutsack to charge us a cover to enter the dump, then made us wear bright pink wristbands. The place consisted of a circular bar and a tiny dance floor that featured a lone anorexic girl being gang-freaked by four farmers. The World Class DJ had exactly six songs in his collection and played them over and over and over and... you get the idea. The fourth time we heard "Yeah" by Usher, we were out the door. The fucking place actually sold t-shirts so you'll always remember the Party Hut experience. Oh, and the bar smelled like someone made a merkin out of limberger cheese and vomit.

I'm back in Louisville, but my internet access is still limited. Thanks for the comments on the last few posts. I don't have time to answer them like I usually do, but I appreciate them just the same. I'll be back in Vegas on Sunday. Tomorrow night my friends Ben and Amie are coming over from Lexington, and then on New Year's Eve more madness will ensue. Everyone have a great New Year's.


46 Comments:

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I've had the same experience at cracker barrel, it really is just food you rent.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Yes. And the worst part is I'm usually on a road trip, stuck in a car.

Smoochies. Happy New Year.

Blogger Lulu said...

I gotta say, I think I love the Cracker Barrel. And I just admitted that recently.

But, Oh My God...I think I havwe been to the Party Hut. But, it was a long time ago, and I can't remember. I do know that someone drug me into a similar place in TN. And I was pissed. But, it was a long time ago. I can't remember the name of the shithole.

Blogger The real me said...

Todd, the really pressing question is... is there a Party Slut?
Or perhaps a Pizza Slut...

Blogger Jillibean said...

Do the Cracker Barrel calories actually count if the food is in your body for just a bit, only to be expelled in its original form?

Mmmm, sounds happenin'. The ex always talked about Gatlingburg and Pigeon Forge ("They're fun!"), but I never bought it. Thank you, Todd, for showing me the true state of unrest in the Appalachian party scene.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I knew a party slut once! She'd get drunk and blow guys in the bathroom.

Blogger Jo said...

Dude, I LOVE Gatlinburg! Have you ever gotten your picture taken at that place where you dress up in olden-day clothes? It's SO cool! How about that big stone ball floating in water? How can you not love that? It's HUGE, and it FLOATS! And the Shopping! And the Fun! OH, OH... the DUCKS!! Did you see the ducks? They're adorable!

I can have fun ANYwhere ;-)

Blogger Princess Steph said...

worst. club name. ever.

sounds hellish, but im sure those pink wrist bands made it all worth it.

as for a cover, Pixel and I pull out the 'but we are girls' line and it works most of the time. you poor guys!

Blogger Rachel said...

LMAO, your description is so right on the money. When driving to the cabin we spent 2 hours going 6 miles, and I'm not even kidding (I wish I was). Nothing but damn Christmas lights for miles and miles.

Missing you something fierce though and sent you an email explaining some of the changes. Let me know when you get home.

Love and kisses!

Blogger Barry S. said...

I also admit I enjoy Cracker Barrel, usually semi-annually doses.

Hope you enjoy Louisville! I am a native Kentuckian, and I lived in both Lexington and Louisville for several years. I really liked it there.

Go to The Irish Rover! Good place!

Blogger AWE said...

Gatlinburg sucks. I live 1.5 hours from it in the Tri-Cities and I hate to go there. I know some of the back roads to get around the friggin mess in Pigeon Forge, most of the time I stay away. I have never heard of the Party Hut. I will see if they are listed at the local Tractor Supply store and how many stars they got.

As for the way you are describing the area, that is the exact reason when I travel I tell people that I am from Texas, we have the same accent.

Blogger Heather said...

I thought we were going to get nekkid during your visit?

Blogger Blonde said...

Ah yes, Aunt Cunty's Coronary Casserole is something you don't buy...you rent it.

Humor me...was Cotton Eyed Joe one of the 4 songs the Hell Hut played? Please say yes...please say yes...please say yes...

Have fun with Tango and her man. Have a safe trip home!

Blogger Crystal said...

Have a Happy New Year! I'm just getting caught up on your blog, I hope the diet's going well. Stay away from that Cracker Barrel!

Blogger Brookelina said...

That'll teach you to go out partying in the deep south.

Blogger Egan said...

Happy New Year Todd!

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Happy New Year! I'm sitting at home being boring.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, I'll tumble 4 ya.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
it tastes good, as far as I can remember.

ubie,
it's like 1am eastern and I'm at my friend's house with internet access. Yeah! I went out the last few nights so I played it quiet tonight.

lipstick,
Cracker Barrel is the Food of the Gods. The morbidly obese Gods.

jilli,
yeah, they count. The foods that make me crap the fastest always pack on the most pounds.

andi,
a few years ago I went to a barn dance in rural Kentucky (don't ask) and was propositioned sexually by a teenage girl. And I don't mean eighteen or nineteen; the bad kind of teenage. Yes, I turned her down, thank you very much.

ubie,
if she's over twenty-one, send her my way.

jo,
I usually love tourist kitsch; not actually participating in it, but observing it. But I hate traffic more than anything on earth, and this was one of the busiest weeks.

princess,
If I worked door, I wouldn't charge you admission to a charity event. Yes, it's nice to help the hurricane victims, but the sexy girl with the fabulous breasts is getting in free. Does my constant flattery ever get on your nerves?

rachel,
thanks for the phone call. I'll call you when I get back home. And spend the next holiday season with me. All you have to lose is your liver.

barry,
I didn't make it to the Rover this time, but I've been on several occasions.

awe,
the Party Hut is the only "nightclub" in town. There's a brewpub in Pigeon Forge now, but who wants to go there when you're staying in Gatlinburg? If someone opened a decent drinking establishment in Gatlinburg they'd make a fortune.

heather,
if you would have called me or mentioned it on Christmas night I would have changed my entire schedule. Really. Drinking is nice but boobies are better.

blonde,
anything for you, babe; anything. Yes, of course Cotton Eyed Joe was one of the songs.

crystal,
I shan't eat at the Barrel again for some time.

brooke,
if you'd have been there, it would have been a party.

egan,
right back at ya!

evil,
dude, you're in love. Congrats!

Blogger yournamehere said...

dena,
you snuck that comment in on me, you sly minx.

Yes, but will you tumble for me while wearing something lacey and revealing?

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Hey, Happy New Year man!

So, is Cracker Barrel full of crackers? Sounds like it is.

We had a nightclub like that in my town a few years ago. Absolutely fucking horrendous it was too. I know what you mean about the cheese and vomit smell - nasty! I would also like to commend you on the use of mirkin, it is a wonderful and most under utilised word.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Merry New Year Todd! And no matter what you say, or what you think, I love you to pieces.

I hope your new year's was better than mine. Mine sucked royally. Also, I hate Vegas.

Blogger Nick said...

Happy New Year, you foul mouthed cumswallower.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

So ... umm .. next time you're in Gatlinburg, think you can grab me one of those Party Hut T's?

also, call me when you get home! I need a drink in the worst way!

Blogger katarina said...

You and Amie need to get your asses back to blogging.

I hope you had a great Holiday!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I'm wondering...with the name, the pink wrist band, the cheese smell and the farmers, are you sure it wasn't a gay bar?

I also admit to liking the Cracker barrel, but I'm a Kansas girl with junk in her trunk, so it's a given.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I wouldnt have it any other way todd.

and I loved my card, yours is waiting at home....

Blogger ago-go said...

i think i would've bought a party hut t-shirt...just to prove it wasn't a hallucination.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Happy New Year!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Hey, everyone, there's something wrong with the router on my computer, so it will be a few more days without internet access.

Son of a bitch.

Blogger Jo said...

Todd... that's not even fucking funny. You FIND a computer... NOW. I've been waiting, mostly patiently, for DAYS for you to come back. I'm seriously going to fly to Vegas and kick your ass.

Blogger wmy said...

My daddies a hillbilly...no seriously, born and raised in the hills of West Virginia!! He has been in Michigan for 38 years now...so most of the yokel has been sucked right out of him...most of it anyway! LOL

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

My life has been so empty without your vegASS. I mean, it's not like I don't have enough of my own ASS to keep myself company. What I meant to say was, damn your router!

Blogger Egan said...

Dude, sorry about Louisville's loss on Monday. Good luck with that damn router problem. We will be here waiting for you man.

Blogger Rachel said...

Hey hon, sorry I missed your call but glad you are home safe.

*hugs and kisses*

Blogger Calzone said...

I hear that a lot of people try on the pink sock in Tennesee

Blogger Übermilf said...

I wither...so very parched...must...have... Todd...

Getting... weaker...

Blogger Jo said...

Seriously Todd... I think you're the only boy on the planet who doesn't drive me absolutely fucking insane. I'm starting to get extremely snippy on OPB cuz I don't have your normalcy to balance me out. COME BACK!!!!

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